Heeeeeeeeellllllp

[bananahammoc]

My husband left after two affairs (see doormat link). I have detached but still feel like Im getting beaten emotionally. Asking to see DCs every night, he cannot cope. I tell him its his choice. He pays me regularly but wants to pay less as cannot afford to live. Has told me another man cannot see them until they are 16. At my wits end and feel like I just cannot take anymore. Is this just the beginning when you get divorced? xxxx

Well good riddance to him. I know you don't feel great yet, but you will one day.

He cannot dictate when you introduce another man to the children. He has to pay a percentage of his salary for the kids and the CSA website has a calculator to help you work out the amount.

Kids don't come on a pay per view so he cannot dictate terms. If I were you I would get something drawn up legally about contact as you need to be able to start rebuilding your life without him there all the time. The children will adjust better if you are happier too.

How old are the children?

Get his contact with the dc formalised.

You can insist he sees them away from your house, so you don't have to anything more than fleeting contact with him

If you feel his insistence on seeing them every night is unsettling and intrusive, then you are within your righs to forbid it, as resident parent (I would agree...he does not live with them any more)

He is talking bollocks about you not inroducing any new relationships you may have. Pot fucking kettle ? You can act as you please, he gave up his say in that when he fucked around.

If he wants to be nasty, and continue to put you through the emotional wringer, I am afraid it should just be confirming to you even more what a selfish fucker he is, and how you are better off without him

Be strong bananahammoc, you can do this.

Remind yourself of everything you have told us. Get the visitation structured.

He can't push you about, he doesn't get to dictate terms, he lost that right with the 1st affair. He absolutely sealed his own fate with the second.

Honestly, this man has no credibility at all.

With morals as low as his, if he weren't their father, there is no way you'd let him near your DC, remind yourself of this.

What a tool.

Thank you ladies, you're support is invaluable. I suppose I am to blame to some extent as I have asked him to keep OW away from girls but still I feel he is using this as a tool to stop me moving on. I have no desire to introduce anyone to DC and I might add I am certainly not in right place to even introduce myself ha (although i hope in future I am).

His reason for seeing girls every night is that "he left me not them". It still hurts and it doesnt matter what I say, he repeats this daily.

He is picking up DC from school today and I have said I will collect them from his at 7.30 (due to school) but still not good enough, he wants to drop them home and get them settled for bed. The man is really unbelievable and uses them to emotionally blackmail me as in..."im their dad, i love them and they will not respect you for keeping them from me".

Sorry ladies I know the answer to this, I can see it. Think I just needed to vent it. Sometimes I feel like Im going crazy that this man has turned into such an unreasonable idiot. I need to get tough

PS See what happens when Solost disappears ha.

perfumed life: thank you, children are 4 and 7

Im seeing solicitor on 15/2 - unfortunately not strong enough to fight him but I hope they will be

Thanks again

God, what a cheek. So he thinks he left you, not the kids, but he left the marital home. He has no business coming and going in your home, and it is not good for the kids, they will end up confused. Or worse, blaming you for telling him to leave the house each night.

Start practising standing up to him, tell him no, it doesn't suit you for him to come in and do the bed routine. He left to suit himself, to be with ow, now it's your turn to run your life the way you want to.

The kids are young enough to get on with this, don't torture yourself they will be damaged. The one thing they need is for the atmosphere at home to be good, and him coming in will only poison it.

Yes I know PL, he has left me, not kids apparently ha. He would have kids with him 7 days a week he says
although Im sure he wasnt thinking that when he was busy with OW.

He throws things at me to wind me up but Im sure its purely because he has lost control of me.

I dont let him bring girls back but he shouts about it. Im not the weak wife at home who loved him anymore although it does wear me out all this arguing.

Says he is throwing money at me, oh god hark at me ranting sorry, just getting it off my chest. Ill be strong again later, its just weird how some days you can feel so low and others you feel positive. Usually when the dicks have left you alone xxxxx

Rant all you like

We are always here

Preserve your strength as much as you can until you see the solicitor. Probably worth contacting the office and saying that the matter is urgent so please could you be advised of any cancellations.

He does have a right to see his children. it sounds like this right is best formalised. He does not have a right to come into your home without your permission (am assuming he doesn't own the property/it isn't in his name). He does not have a right to tell you when you can introduce other men to your children (the irony there is staggering and must be making you rage).

Re access and maintenance. Sounds like he is using these as sticks to beat you with. Don't get dragged into a conversation/argument. Explain that this will be dealt with through your solicitor. Hopefully the formality of this might have some effect on him.

Really sorry for you.

Aw bless you bananahammoc. Rant on, god knows you deserve to.

Banana (were you solost? or are you missing her?)

Just laugh at him a lot - it helps

Tell him when he chose to fuck around he chose to leave 'the family set up' he had. This means he now gets access visits with his children, not 'live in' rights.

He has no right to be in your space putting the girls to bed - he drops them at the door, end of.

If he wants to put them to bed he does it at his house.

Don't stress yourself out about the seeing the OW, it wont make any difference. You are their Mum, they love you, Dad's fuck buddy girlfriend wont change that.

BH isn't solost

Funny ladies, sometimes I think I am Solost,thats why Im missing her because I could always relate to your advice to her.

CISCF, loving the name ha I do laugh at him but for some reason he always gets a rise out of me. Ive ignored him and ignored him and he even sent a texted message at 1.45am on Monday morning, ranting that Im ignoring him. I still ignored him but of course i couldnt sleep then, he gets me so annoyed that he cant see how unreasonable he is being, but then why do I even care.

I do not think there is a more arrogant man on this earth but seriously [takes intake of breath and knows how pathetic this will sound] he was the sweetest husband and best father you could wish for. How does someone change so much, probably the fact OW is 15 years younger than me

AF Where is Solost, I do hope she is OK and happy.

Sorry ladies for all the self pitying, I know I need to grow a pair but please tell me it gets easier and they are the ones that suffer eventually. Yes I do want him to suffer greatly!!! xxxx

DH - yes house is in both names unfortunately and he wont sign it over, again I think this is a control thing. Dont think I can afford to pay him off either :(

xx

op

i have some rl exp of what you are going thru.

BOUNDARIES

it is the only way.

he left the family home, he doesn't get to put the kids to bed, at yours. he does that at 'his' place.

I know its sad when they play you, you hurt becuase you remember the person they were.

You have to separate the past person frmt he present one. It's not the same person and they don't value you so do not place one jot of value on ANYTHING he wants/says/needs/tries.

It will be your mantra. Do not allow his 'needs or wants' to be of concern to you.

Put your children's happiness first. Yes they get to see him, go and stay with him. The new woman in his life doesn't have to be in yours, well it's best to just wave the kids off with a smile.

I don't know where solost is

let's hope she is just taking an MN break and all is well with her

it isn't self pity, BH

it is grief and justified anger

you can't just switch it off, but it will fade eventually