How To Help This Friend?

[midori1999]

One of my friends suffers with pretty serious depression. She lost her son, who was aged 10 after a long battle with Leukemia a few years ago too, which obviously hasn't made things any easier for her. I have only known her for about 18 months and we became quite close/friendly after I lost my twin baby daughters.

I know (it's no secret where we live) that she tried to hang herself several years ago. She has a history of quite serious self harm and is in and out of hospital. She sees a pshyciatrist regularly when she is not in hospital. She talks to me, although not in a huge amount of detail about these things.

She is having a really hard time at the moment. She was in hospital for a few days a couple of weeks ago and we text a couple of times and when she was home I dropped a few magazines, some chocolates and nice ice cream round. He DH answered the door and I asked him to please let her know I was thinkin gof her and I knew the bits an dpieces weren't much, but just so she knows I care. She text me and appreciated the thought. She has since been in hospital again, but is home again now (I think). Her DH is having to take time off work and although their DS (who gets on the same school bus as my DS) has been off school a lot lately, my friend's DH dropped him yesterday and today. I didn't want to pry, but just told her DH that if they wanted me to run their DS to/from the school bus it was no problem for me. He replied 'thanks for the offer, but it gives me a reason to get dressed'. IIt must be very hard for him too, not least as I suppose in all of it he gets forgotten as everyone worried so much about his wife.

I am just at a loss to know what I can do to help, if anything. I was going to just text my friend and say something along the lines of 'thinking of you, here if you want to chat' but it seems so inadequate. I don't think she feels capable of egtting dresse dor out the house when she feels like this, so although I'd like to invite her to go for lunch or something I don't want her to feel like I am underestimating how dreadful she must feel.

Any thoughts?

How sad.

I don't think it matters how small your gesture, just keep on making them. One of these days she will take you up on it. It's got to be the worst thing in the world to lose your child, and you know exactly how that devastates you. I am so sorry for your loss too, it makes your gestures all the more caring and lovely.

I think many of us are at a loss of what to do in the face of intense grief/depression but people who have survived this say that they welcome the chance to talk and want to be involved in life, if able. I would just keep on texting/calling, maybe write a note.

You sound like a good friend.

I agree that there is maybe not much you can do but just even those texts may be helping a little.

Horrible feeling so helpless.

Keep doing what you are doing - you sound very caring.
Maybe offer to have their DS over to your house after school for a bit to give him a break from his home environment
Ask the DH if he is managing ok with everything in the house, laundry, cooking etc. and offer your services if needed
Tell your friend that you are there for her, whatever she needs, she only has to ask.

And so :( about your DDs.

Thankyou very much. You're right, I do feel helpless and it's awful.

Great idea about the housework/cooking. I have sent a text saying to let me know if she's up to visitors and I can pop round and grab some laundry if she's up to stuffing it in a black bag and meeting me at the door with it or I can cook some meals they can just stick in the oven.

I'm not sure she'd ask, so I think I'll make some meals up anyway that they can juist stick straight in the oven and give them to her DH at the bus stop.

I am not sure her DS would come round here. He's autistic (my son has Downs, hence on the same school bus) and doesn't always cope with changes well. She does have an older DS who is 17 who I think could watch the younger DS for a while if she needed him to.

Just to update, my friend has text me back and sadly she was taken into hospital again on Monday morning having taken an overdose on Sunday night. I wish so much I could take her pain away.

I am going to visit her in hospital and will drop some things off to her DH tomorrow.

poor friend - so :( for her and her family, and you. I think if you can support her DH now he will be so grateful for the thoughtfulness and care.

How awful, this is so sad. :(

I don't know if this is feasible but would you GP be able to give you some general advice in the abstract about what you oculd do to help? I wonder if the Samaritans would be able to advise you also?

Bless you for being such a great friend, Midori. :)

Oh I'm so sorry for your friend,I think you would be out of your depth trying to help her, but I'm sure her dp could do with support. Try asking him if he needs someone to talk to/help.

It's obviously awful for her, but he must be feeling overwhelmed.

Thankyou.

blackletterday II realise she needs professional help (which she is now getting) but when I say 'help her' I mean more in the way of being there for her as a friend or a listening ear or to do practical things to help her out. I think she feels she has a lot of fair weather friends and very alone at times.

She's text back again and says she doesn't want anything brought in as she's not eating anyway. I think I'll grab some new PJ's and nice shower gel/nice face cream etc to take over for her instead. I know it's not much, but at least it's something.

She says lasagne is a favourite at home so I will drop one in tomorrow afternoon. My own DH loves lasagne, so I'll make two and we can have one too, which will please him! I thought I could grab a few groceries and 'ready to cook' type meals to drop in too.

Thanks again.

midori - you are a great friend and I wish you were my RL friend, should I ever be in need like your friend is at the moment.

Do you know if there are any "treats" that she likes, that might tempt her, even though she doesn't feel like eating? Can you sneak one of those in as well - she might succumb and tuck in.

Just keep on doing what you're doing. You sound like a great friend and she's lucky to have you.

Also, remember to look after yourself. Remind yourself that you can't change her, you can just carry on showing love, sensitivity and compassion etc. Try not to start taking her burdens on yourself - too often, caring friends can become overwhelmed themselves in situations like this. Your family will need you as well.

If you really are dead set on trying to help her more, ask her about what treatment and advice she is getting from the professionals involved in her care and ask if there is any way you can fit in and play a part in that.

Re cooking meals. This is fantastic for her and her DH but one suggestion: why not arrange to pop round with some ingredients so that you could cook a meal with her in her house (obviously only you/her DH can judge whether that would be appropriate). It might be that some meaningful occupation like that could be therapeutic for her.

Finally, you don't mention whether you have a DH/DP. If you do, pelase keep on talking to him about how your friend is doing, what you're doing to help and how it is making you feel. You're giving a lot of yourself in terms of time and emotion, and you need to make sure you have someone looking out for you.

Good luck. You sound lovely.