EA are they ever okay?

[tiredmumof3]

Until I started reading stuff on here I didn't even know EAs existed. To me an affair was a physical thing, not a flirty friendship.
But can they ever be ok? I have gone from being so unhappy with my DH for almost 10 years (and yes we have tried talking over and over again) bottom line is he wishes he had never got married and had a family but is ok with his life. Works a lot and really has been pretty thoughtless towards me for many years. Xmas was a crisis point, I said I would leave, he agreed to marriage counselling. Then changed his mind a few days later :(
NY I started flirting with a FB friend, it was reciprocated and now we text a few times every day. There is an attraction but it will never be acted on. For the first time in 10 years I feel attractive, admired and happy.
In the last 2 weeks DH has behaved totally differently towards me, can't do enough for me and is acting like I'm the most fantastic wife ever. I've had the courage to stand up for myself against his usual cutting remarks and he seems to be actually appreciating me.
Am I doing something so wrong? I do worry that DH will find out but if nobody knows and nobody gets hurt is it really such an awful thing to do?
Standing by to be flames for this but hoping for a bit of sympathy.

*Emotionally

"Years ago my DH told me if I divorced him he would emigrate and never see DC again. I will not allow that to happen. They have a right to have a father in their lives".

Well do you think the children would a father who thinks that much of his children; using their mother as a tool to threaten no access if she had the gall to leave him?. This is from a man who never wanted marriage or a family life in the first place. It was a threat and an ultiamtely empty one designed to hurt you primarily.

The above says an awful lot about him as a person as well as a father. A selfish and manipulative threat also designed too to keep you in your place. It worked hasn't it?.

Look, what we are saying to you is own your choices. You have them. Everyone does.

Doing something deceitful takes people's choices away from them. If you are that same poster, I'm pretty sure you said last time that you didn't think you could give the OM up, but of course you can. If this started on NYE, it's been barely 3 weeks!

If you really cannot be grown up enough to own your own choices, at least stop and think what you are doing to another woman. Doesn't that make you feel shitty and horrible? How did you feel when you found that text, bearing in mind it doesn't sound as though you even love your husband? How might that poor woman feel if she finds one of yours on her H's phone?

This isn't a game. It's real-life horrible mess, pain and betrayal. Shattered lives and broken families. Your marriage sounds like it needs to end, but that might not be the same for the OM.

If you split up and he chooses not to maintain contact with his own DC that is his decision. You should not allow his blackmail to keep you in an unhappy relationship and result in you choosing to behave badly.

You sound as though you are passively accepting your marriage will go on despite being miserable and unwell. Why can't you act to make your life better? We only get one chance.

You are now having another man, this time your H, abusing you yet you stay also for fear of him not seeing them if you divorce him. This man is hurting them by hurting you can you not see that?. He cares not a jot about his children or you; this threat was designed to cause you maximum hurt and pain because you do not want to see your own children suffer.

As for the facebook other man, well he's doing his bit to hurt as well because the EA will eventually run its course and people (i.e not just you) will end up getting hurt.

I would suggest counselling for your own self to unravel the damaging relationship patterns you learnt as a child.

I am very sorry you were not believed as a child by your own Mother; she let you down abjectedly as well.

Thank you for all the advice. I need to do some real soul searching on this. And to the person who asked - yes it's been like this for 3 weeks but we were friends (no flirting) for almost 18 months before. He means a lot to me as a friend.

I can see now the damage I may be doing to my DC by continuing in my marriage. How hard to walk away though!

And Attila - my mum knew, she put a lock on the inside of my bedroom door so I could lock it at night and he couldn't get in - I was 15 :(

I'm really sorry you were sexually abused, but you really need to unravel your thinking on this.

Your H is an abusive bully. Your marriage needs to end and it will be his decision whether or not to emigrate. That's not something you can prevent or should try to. If he's as abusive as you say, that might be the best result all round frankly, although I suspect it was just an idle threat...

Very few men are like your stepfather, so if you divorced, it wouldn't mean a life of celibacy at all. You would just have to take the normal precautions that all single mums make when deciding whether to introduce a new partner to her children.

It doesn't matter that your H changed his mind about counselling. Couples counselling shouldn't ever be considered for abusive relationships anyway. Go on your own.

Please also see that the crumbs of kindness you are getting from the OM is at the expense of the wife that he is abusing, by being emotionally unfaithful. Please stop colluding in another woman's pain. You can stop this, if you really wanted to. There really are no excuses for what you're doing, so stop making them.

Sorry for my flippant responses on a very serious thread.

An EA is never the answer.Recovering from the fallout of my DH's last year-posted then but name changed as realize now gave too much info and as only told a couple of trusted RL mates at time of discovery prefer others and family not to know.Things a lot better now but has been an horrendous experience for us both.DH now can't believe how he got involved and became more detached from me and RL.What seems like an innocent and fun egoboost now will only lead to tears and heartache.Don't kid yourself if not physical no harm's being done.Believe me finding your trusted OH has exchanged hundreds of secret messages(and met in person regularly as work allowed to happen)makes you feel like your heart has been ripped out and stamped on.Get some counselling and focus on your RL relationship and please think about what it will do to his wife because I can almost guarentee SHE WILL FIND OUT and it aint pretty all round.

But so what if your partner finds out? You have been unhappy for ages and someone else is paying you attention. Now your partner, who has been an arse, realises that there would be other people who would be interested, and is actually bothering to make an effort.

Sorry - but why do you feel guilty? I don't really get it. Because you are enjoying attention from someone who is being nice to you. That is a good thing.

EAs aren't a great idea. And maybe you are getting something from it, but think just for a bit about the wife of the OM. Hardly seems fair for her really.

It's not a good thing Tadpoles because this is the poster from the other thread and the OM is married. Why on earth are you advocating game-playing, when it is evident from what the poster is saying that her relationship is abusive? Do you honestly think that the OP's best move is to have an affair, instead of getting out of an abusive relationship? And why wouldn't the poster feel guilty, if not towards her H, but to the OM's wife?

If we're thinking about this from the OP's perspective only, having an affair is probably having the disastrous effect of anaesthetising her to her abusive marriage, making it easier to cope with. It might actually be preventing her from getting out.

Well I tried to take the advice on here but failed miserably. OM bombarded me with emails, gained my total trust, made me feel like I was wanted for the first time in so long.
Then dumped me without any warning.
I now am completely devastated. My relationship with DH has progressively got worse over the last few weeks, it's like living with a stranger. And the person who urged me to trust him and disclose my whole life to him turned out to be a complete t*er.
Sure there will be some who think I deserved this but I am in so much pain I don't know how to even function anymore :(

oh dear OP. I really feel for you. I had an EA and also ended painfully. I also whole-heartedly agree that counseling can be a good thing. It really is helping me sort through loads of complicated stuff.

I also can't see how separation can't be an option. It is always an option. Your past and your past decisions don't mean you can't have a happy future.

If you feel strongly that you can't separate physically, you could agree to co-parent and co-habitate for a while, but make it clear that you are a free woman. (I don't for one second thing your h would agree to this, but maybe it's a way for you see a middle ground).

You. absolutely. deserve. happiness. This h doesn't sound like a good guy or good parent.

Even though EAs are bad in theory and practice, they can have positive outcomes iyswim. If it helps you see that you are a good person worthy of love, attractive and funny and all those things you h has told you that you aren't, well then it could motivate you to see a real future with a real person who isn't your H. But leave him first. Separate properly.

Elephantsaregreen. Unfortunately I now feel even worse about myself. I feel the lowest I have ever felt and have no idea how I will get through this. To have 2 men basically say I'm worthless? Maybe I am :(

You are NOT worthless. Maybe OM was stringing you along but that doesn't mean that there aren't plenty of good men out there who you deserve to be with.

I know this is a hard hard thing to go through but you are not worthless. Every single person who does no harm is full of worth.

You are a mother which means you have other people who need you. They need you to be whole and happy.

I am in individual counseling and my dp and I are in couples counseling. It's too early to tell what the outcome will be and it's hard work but it's worth it.

If your h won't work on things that means he doesn't value your happiness.

you are not going crazy for feeling bullied by him.

Sorry tiredmum that you are feeling so low. But this EA could be seen as a catalyst if you use the experience positively.

You were feeling unloved and trapped and worthless. Then another man flattered you and made you feel attractive and happy for a moment. This shows how good life could be if you make the effort to get out of your marriage and free yourself to be loved by someone kind and caring.

The first step towards that is to realise that you don't have to stay in the conditioned role that your mother taught you in childhood, with an abusive man who doesnt love you.

Do it for your DC. Break the cycle and understand yourself. At least start with some counselling for you alone. And make a tiny plan like opening savings account in your name and putting some money away.

A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. Or something!