Am i destined to spend my life single and alone because i hate sex?

[Worries]

Ive had no horrific experiences re sex, i just hate it, i always have, i have no libido/desire whatsoever, and everytime i have had sex it makes me feel gross, invaded, and dirty - i hate it! But i do feel attraction to men, i love their company, i love hugs, kisses, cuddles, affection etc just no sex, i cant imagine in a million years that i will ever find/meet a man that would have a relationship with no sex, does that mean i have to accept a life on my own

Hi Worries,

I don't think you have to have had any objectively 'horrific' experiences to end up hating sex. I had no libido for years (my best years, arguably), but in retrospect I realise that was nothing to do with sex per se and everything to do with the relationships I was in.

Those relationships being with men I didn't actually fancy all that much, who didn't respect me or cherish me, or who were emotionally abusive.

Does this fit with your past experiences? If so it could explain a lot. I'm not trying to negate your current feelings but don't want you to spring to the conclusion of 'no sex, ever' without examining alternative reasons/possibilities.

There is an asexual community - try googling. They must have dating services. But be very sure you are really asexual before labelling yourself so. Have you considered psychosexual counselling?

Asexuality is not that uncommon, this is probably a good place to start.
It's up to you to consider which way you want to go: do you want to seek help from a therapist to enable yourself to feel some kind of sexual desire, or do you want to find a likeminded (ie equally asexual) partner/social circle.
It's not wrong to be asexual, and it wouldn't be wrong to identify with the asexual community for a while even if you later change your mind or experience (perhaps due to hormonal changes) a sudden awakening of a libido.
SOmething that seems true to me is that human libido kind of comes and goes for some people, and that feeling one way doesn't mean you will always feel the same.
HOwever dating will be difficult for you as most people tend to expect that dating someone will, at some point fairly early on, involve a sexual encounter. All you can do is be truthful with potential dates; some will back off, some will be happy to be 'just friends' and date/have sex with others (it would be unfair of you to expect a monogamous asexual relationship with someone who does have an active libido) - some will be unpleasant individuals who will try to pressure you for sex. At least when you understand your own viewpoint it makes it easier to stand firm against such idiots and dump them.
Best of luck.

Hello, thankyou for all the advice, i have considered counselling, but i really dont think it would change anything. Yes Mummery it does sound very much like some relationships i have had funnily enough! I accept that i cant shut the door on my sexuality or (lack of it)forever in case i do change my mind, but for now i need to accept the person i am, and accept that i'll spend my life alone, or hope that maybe someone can accept me and love me this way one day. Thankyou Titusoates, id love to think that, i do try to keep an open mind, i dont feel theres anything 'wrong' with me, i am what i am, i just dont to spend my life alone just because i dont like sex

Hi OP. I would do as Eric suggests and google re the asexual community. There are many people out there like yourself .. you just got to find them. Its good too that you dont cut off the possibility of there being that someone special out there for you that might just 'float your boat' and change your mind.

Good Luck with looking.

Thanks anothermum

I'd hazard a guess that you don't like sex because you didn't really like the men who were offering it.

Be interesting to know how many relationships you have had and how old you are now.

I think you should consider psychosexual counselling even if ti simply confirms what you feel now.

Lots of young people find the idea of sex repulsive- until they meet the right person. maybe you are simply "stuck" at a period of development and this has been caused by not being in the right kind of relationship emotionally.

On a really basic level, talking would help you know why you dislike penises so much and the experience of penetration.

Thanks cabbageroses, the more i think about it the more i think maybe i could go and talk to someone, maybe it would help?.... Briefly, my first sexual encounter was with a man a few years older then me, i was 16 at the time, and i was very attracted to him, after abit of a drunken night with some friends i met up with him (we had been friends for a couple of years) and we had sex, it was my first time, he'd got locked out of his house somehow so we did it in his car on his drive it was january so it was freezing and half way through i suddenly sobered up and thought this is not how my 1st time should have been, and i told him to stop, he did, and then afterwards told EVERYONE that he'd sha*ed me and i was sht i stayed away from him from then on and it was eventually forgotton. The father of my children i loved, i still do, but he was an emotional bully, he still is, only time he showed any love or affection was when he wanted sex so after 10 years i ended it. I was with another guy for a year, and he beat me up while we were on holiday, he was a paranoid, controlling, psycho! So i suppose i could say ive not had much luck with me and relationships, perhaps that has something to do with it?! i dont know. Im 31 and im on my own with my lovely children, and after so much disaster a large part of me is happy on my own because i feel safer and no-one can let me down, but, i am lonely too, dont want to imagine the rest of my life alone...

Worries, do you have friends? I wonder if what you are missing is a social life and adult company? There is a difference between being single and being lonely, and there is no need to feel you have to miss out on social intereaction just because you are not, at present, interested in sex.
Most human beings need some form of physical affection in some quantity ie someone to give you a hug or a pat on the back now and again and this doesn't have to form part of a romantic/sexual relationship.

I think given your previous experiences it's entirely understandable that you don't feel especially sexual. It seems that thanks to your ex-H there has become a subconscious link that sex = something done to you in return for love/affection. That's not how it should be.

It's interesting that you enjoy kissing, cuddling, affection but not sex. Is it just penetrative sex that you don't enjoy, or is it all sexual behaviour? Do you become aroused, or masturbate? (You don't have to answer these questions, I'm just thinking out loud!)

It may well be that given the right man (or woman) and the right situation sex is something that you could learn to enjoy and want to instigate, but you would need a kind and patient partner. Psychosexual counselling could enable you to explore these issues further.

Don't know how old you are but maybe you could get along with a guy in his 40s.

By that time most men themarriedonesespecially-- don't seem to want to make the effort required.

Just a though which occurred.

Sorry about the messy reply. Must either learn how to do this properly or keep it simple.

Randy- what a really odd reply! My DH is 56 and is still very much "bothered" and bothers me no end!

OP- after reading your recent post I'd say it's all in your head- you have had rotten lucjk with men and if iwere you i wouldn ot want a penis withing amile of me.

Please go and find a sexual psychotherapist- your GP may be able to offer help as to who to choose, or go to www;bacp.co.uk