Abuse....

[deepheat]

Sorry. I know that there are a few threads on this subject, and if you feel that I'm adding to them unecessarily then please just don't post, but I just wanted to offer a thought or two.

I'm a bloke. I have been in a relationship when I was hit by my partner (not DW). It was abuse and so, I suppose, that made her an abuser. But she was a lot more than that as well. She was someone who had suffered a very close family bereavement and couldn't deal with it. She was a loving, intelligent person. None of this justified her hitting me, but it did provide context.

I do find some of the knee-jerk reactions to these things slightly worrying. There seems to be a train of thought that abuse = abuser = end the relationship now. This works very well online, where we don't have to face up to the inevitable complications, subtexts and grey areas that real life presents us with. The flip-side is that people posting these messages are often in a vulnerable state and can be more receptive to such black and white judgements. To label someone as an 'abuser' without the acknowledgement that there will be other facets to their character, personality and history is reductive and sometimes can create a monster that is no reflection of the person in the real world.

Don't get me wrong. I have read accounts of horible abuse on here and I am absolutely of the mind that some things can not be worked through and some situations must be escaped from at the earliest possible opportunity.
I agree with the sentiments that someone expressed in a thread a little while ago (think it was called "Listen up" or something).

I suppose that I just think that in the majority of cases, the best advice that can be given online is to suggest someone gets hold of proper, professional advice or at the very least some support in the real world.

Not suggesting that there aren't people here who offer excellent advice and support adn I have no doubt that many people are also grateful for the help and support they have received from MNers. But just wanted to put my perspective.

I agree. Knee jerk reactions are too easy on an internet board

deepheat - I posted here and got advice re. my abusive H.

I needed the black and whiteness because I was finding 100's of reasons to blame myself/my dc for H's anger and aggression.

When you are living in an abusive relationship, your sense of normality is shattered. You have no idea what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't.

I will forever be thankful to Anyfucker, Lewisfan, SGB, Attillathemeercat (spelling apologies) and others for what they posted.

I was in a state of shock for a while, once I realised what had been happening. I genuinely had never thought of H as being abusive. I thought that all the reasons he listed frequently for his unhappiness meant that I could not expect him to deal with things differently. I felt that it was up to me to do all the changing in order to restore calm to our house.
I realise this sounds like the thoughts of a stupid person - trust me, I'm not stupid. But because I was suffering from depression my judgement was severely impaired.

As it happened, I didn't leave H. We both started therapy separately instead.
It will be 2 years this summer since that thread and we are in a much much better place now.

I know that sometimes the advice is harsh, but there are very few places in RL where such clarity is offered.

Hey newname. Fair comment, and its really good to hear the positive impact of the advice and help you had here. Not trying to diminish either what you went through or the help you were given - hopefully I haven't given that impression but if I have I'm sorry.

I think people say to leave, for the person to be able to remove themselves from immediate harm,THEN get the proper professional advice and support in RL.

Without serious intervention and change in the life of the abuser, and someone taking out their own failure to cope in a violent form IS an abuser, there is nothing else to tell the other person, the victim, other than to get out for their own safety.

As has been discussed thoroughly recently, violence against another being is not right. There are no reasons, only excuses. When a former victim snaps and retaliates, we all know again that this is not right, however it is more understandable. There is no panic greater than being cornered by a violent person that won't back down. That panic leads victims to lash out. It doesn't make them an abuser.

If you as a partner choose to put up with these excuses as to why you are being hit by your DP, and if you feel that the package is worth being hit every so often, there is literally nothing anyone can do. Only when the violence gets so extreme as to warrant medical attention can someone remove you to the hospital. Even then Police can't prevent you from returning. It has to be your decision.

It is NOT a failure of yours, for example, to say that your DP hitting you is an unacceptable way for you to live and to decide that you do NOT want to put up with it any more. The person who has failed is not YOU, it's her.

All we can do here is to tell you that there IS no excuse for violence towards you, and that your DP is behaving badly, needs help and that you ought to take all necessary steps to get yourself help to get through this.

Routine hitting, punching or inflicting harm is abuse, it is wrong and you don't need to put up with it.

All of us go on to suffer close bereavement at one point or more in our lives, it doesn't give us permission to beat someone.

Please have a look on out DV links and see if you can talk to a few people, to work out what YOU want to do, and how YOU can get help in coping with this situation.

Does she still hit you?

No need to apologise .
I understand the 'grey' areas that you are describing. My H, like your ex, has lots of areas where he needed help.

The thing is his behaviour was abusive, even if he was a good person deep down.

This is the clarity I needed. All I was seeing were the reasons for H's unhappiness. I needed to step back and say, well, I understand that he has problems, but I still do not deserve to be treated like this.
Simple eh?

Hey Littlemiss. The DV stuff was some time ago and I'm no longer with that girl (but still in touch). Maybe didn't make that clear enough in the initial post. Have been with DW for 12 yrs now and am very lucky that all has been well for that time. Thanks for your concern though.

I see what you mean, but often when people post about something on here it isn't just an isolated incident, but part of a long-running pattern of abusive and unpleasant behaviour, or maybe the incident where it's finally crossed over into physical violence. It seems reasonable to consider leaving in that situation.

If it really is a completely one-off, out-of-character action by someone who is grieving, for example, and not thinking right, then I agree it's maybe something you should try to work through.

Glad to hear it.

Hitting IS abuse, but it's never just physical violence. The EA side can be actually even more crippling to a person than the PA in many ways.

As Newname says, no-one deserves to be treated like that.

I think what annoys me most on here is not so much the knee-jerk reactions as the clear annoyance when a poster fails to comply.

I've seen posters say things like "well clearly you're not interested in our advice as you have failed to take it on board and are still with him" (or words to that effect), when actually it's rarely that black and white.

I have a friend who is in an emotionally abusive relationship. She is a deeply unhappy person but she has issues of her own and the reaility is that she just doesn't feel she can leave because she has no support and would lose the house etc. Have heard so many people say that they have no sympathy for her because she chooses to stay, so yet again the abused is made to feel they are to blame...

When I was seventeen I was in what you might call an abusive relationship. He was actually a lovely guy. We started out fine, then he became more and more possessive, I wasn't allowed to have friends, wasn't allowed to talk to other people, if I did he would ring me up crying about how much I'd hurt him, we had row after row after row about it. Then one day he took exception to me talking to a male friend and he grabbed me and hit me. It only happened once. After that the relationship was over because he'd crossed the line so I ended it (I hit him back first though, as a reflex reaction iyswim).

But the context is that when he was seven his parents dropped him at school and never came back, and he was subsequently adopted by one of the teachers at the school. He'd never had a gf before me, and so his sense of abandonment as a child was so great that this led to him being extremely insecure, and him being so afraid that he would lose me that he just held on to me too tightly, if that makes sense. It certainly doesn't justify the way he treated me, but it does go some way towards explaining why he was the way he was.

I was lucky. I am a strong person and was able to walk away. Also we weren't living together or anything so it was easier. But so often people that are abused are broken down emotionally first, and so they have no self esteem and feel that they genuinely have nowhere to go.

I suffered a broken nose, ribs etc i never felt abused maybe it was because i was determined to not become a victim or maybe it was because i was i love and in denial. I genuinely don't know. But i think any unbiased, out side perspective would have helped massively.

Im not sure that came across as i would have liked it to. I don't think although not great that every act of violence is abuse. I often find it hard to understand having been there my self why physical violence is often thought of as so much worse that verbal abuse? I'm fairly sure the verbal had far more affect on my self esteem that the physical. Or maybe im ust hardened to it.

verbal/emotional abuse is very difficult to pin down, especially on forums such as these. I think those that have never experienced it often end up posting something along the lines of 'that wouldn't bother me, I can't see why you are getting so worked up etc'.

This is very hard to read, if you do have experience of verbal/emotional abuse because it brings back lots of memories (to me at least) - especially of all the times I felt backed into a corner and had to 'prove' to H that I was not wrong etc.
So many times I was told I was exaggerating or that I was over-sensitive, no sense of humour, that nobody would be able to deal with me any differently because I was useless/selfish etc.