My Grandmother

[QuoththeRaven]

Just a rant I suppose, although any advice would be really great.

I hate my Grandmother, I can't stand being in the same room as her. She used to look after me a lot when i was little when my parents were working, but once i hit the teens i didn't go to her so much. I remember her with fondness, yet looking at her now she has turned into pure nastyness.

My Ds's first christmas will always be remembered as the year her and her friend sat sipping sherry making disgusting racist comments. Thats all we can remember of the day, it was so shocking.

She is very very christian. When DS was born we got 7 bibles/baby prayer books. DS got another last christmas, with a note attached saying "Because I Love you I thought you should know the REAL meaning of christmas" Now I respect her faith, but me and DH are not christian and she knows this. We dont really want DS to be told one way is truth etc until he learns to really think for himself, in other words we aren't raising him in any faith.

We went to visit my parents last weekend and i noticed 2 more bibles (for toddlers) sitting in his toybox. My parents know our views on this and my mum tried to hide them before i saw them. Its not the books that are the issue, i told him the nativity story at christmas, its the fact that all she gets in christian related stuff for DS and she really does know our views on anything (it would be the same if she was buddhist)and then my mother tries to hide it. I think she os trying to save him from hell, which we are condeming him to. (Me and DH are already going to hell apparently and we're taking DS with us)

She does things to get at me, and rejoices if i rise and talk back or stand up for myself as she feels vindicated and she's always in the right.

I want to just cut myself off completely from her, but that isn't entirely possible. Despite her faults my mum loves her and to keep the peace i stay civil to my GM but its getting to the stage i think she would really damage my DS by being around him. Ive been in therapy due to some of the things my GM has done in the past and its obvious im still not over them. Im due DC2 in 2 weeks and shes adament she comes to the hospital to see her (we've been told its a girl) but i just feel terrible letting someone like her near another one of my children.

Any advice? especially since cutting her out of my life is completely out of the question?

sorry its so long, i haven't included half of the stuff im worked up about because i didn't want it to be too long

How old is your grandmother and what is her state of health, mental and physical. Assume she is maternal g/mother as your mom still loves her. You say you remember her with fondness but has now turned into pure nastyness. Is this maybe to do with her age or health. Old people can become very cantankerous and self centred.

Does she live near and do you have to have so much contact with her. I wouldn't worry about her adversely affecting your children, you and their father will be the most important people in their life and I would just forget the christian thing.

Are you on good terms with your mom - can she throw any light on what is happening with your g/mother and why she has become so difficult.

You say cutting her out of your life is cmpletely out of the question - fewer visits and only staying a while. Trying to just lether nastyness blow over you. Sorry sounds a bit glib but difficult when u are not fully in picture.

It's not just an old age thing, is it? If you've sought therapy over your GM's influence on you, she must have been a nasty piece of work. I'm not surprised you want to minimise her impact on your own children.

My view on aged relatives is different from those in their prime - not out of generosity, but simply because they're going to die soon! You might want to rethink whether you want the old witch (or even her daughter, your mum) in your lives long-term but, for now, I have some ideas you could play with. Here they are:

1. Defuse her. Thank her massively for all her gospel, ask her for an apposite bible quote around topics in conversation, admire her good works, etc etc.

1. Sprinkle the conversation with handy quotes of your own, such as "I always try to turn the other cheek", "It's as easy for a rich man to enter heaven as a camel to pass through the eye of a needle", "God loves all his children", "Consider the lilies of the field" and so on. It's amazing how many god-lovers manage to use their faith as a weapon of control: it can be fun to lavish them with the many edicts for tolerance & kindness in the bible

1. Fog her. Just say things like "You have a point there", "That might be true", etc. Helps with detachment.

1. Blank her. I don't mean send her to Coventry, just answer her with meaningless comments like "Hmm", "Really?" and "Ahh!"

I'm sure you can think of a few other things to try, too

Great advice from ItsGraceAgain.

Dh's grandmother was exactly like yours op. I took all I could take then gave her it all back one day. She had a grudging respect for me after it I have to say. [bgrin]

I don't really see why you can't cut her out of your life. I realise she will be at your mothers on occasion when you are there. But these are your kids, and your responsibility, she has had her chance. IF she starts harping on about God, stop her dead. Tell her you don't want your kids subjected to her personal mantra. Smile all the while.

As for the hospital, she can be adamant all she likes, you simply tell the midwife not to let her in. And don't be afraid of ruffling her feathers. She is picking on you because she can. Racist people have no place in your life, family or not.