Abusive alcoholic MIL,

[CrawlingInMySkin]

Hi my MIL is very abusive, we have tried to get her too see someone because she displays every symtom of narrcisstic personality disorder, but last year we cut contact because her need to be the centre of attention escalated from verbal abuse to physical. She attacked me in front of my children.

After that she also tried to get me charged with assault because she actually believed she was perfectly ok to strangle me, and as it was my word against hers it luckily went no further. DP who was witness to all this has been very supportive and refused contact. Now I am pg she is going to try to come back into our lives because there is a big event she is being excluded from that offers her a chance to be centre of attention. She ruined my other two pgs, by barging in on my first birth dragging BIL in (which DP sorted) turning up after the birth drunk, and constantly arguing and crying about how she was being excluded. I tried my best to include her I even let her come in the delivery room as soon as I was covered up after giving birth.

DC2 she yet again argued all the way through that she wanted to look after my DS when I went in (over my cold dead body was I letting a alcholic take care of my DS) we lied in the end said I had a 2 hour labor and we didn't have time to call her. Dp had to actually lie to her while I was giving birth because she was phoning every night to make sure she knew when I went into labor. After words she started screaming and shouting in the hospital because my 8 YO sister arrived for visiting times with my mum before her and I let them both in and my sister should not have gone in before her (WTF?) DP said she wasn't coming in if she wouldn't behave.

Then I had to plead and beg her to leave after she had been there a hour because I was tired and wanted to sleep (still having afterpains) I ended up standing up and saying if you do not leave I will ask for you to be removed.

Well now I am pg again I am scared about what she is going to do, our lives have been so much better without her, and we are alot ahppier. I know DP will not let her become part of our lives again but I dont want the arguments to start, and for her to cause me stress on this pg too. I am also Bipolar and off medication so stress could trigger a episode that may harm my baby does anyone have any suggestions on minimizing stress? support? or just someone who has been in a similar place.

does she know that you are pregnant?
if you can I would try to exclude her as much as possible.
to avoid stress around delivery, put in your birthplan that she is not welcome to visit you in hospital.

She doesn't know and we have no contact with her but BIL will tell her and I dont think it is fair to put him in the position of lying for us.

I hope to have a home birth and DP has said I am not to speak to her at all.

Can you lie to BIL about the dates? Make the due date 4 or even 6 weeks later, so that she isn't harassing you around the birth date?

It's not nice to lie, but these are exceptional circumstances.

threefeethighandrising yes I think that would help because I have a feeling the further along I am the more she will start kicking off asking for contact with the DC. Thanks both, I am also going to keep quiet till I am 5 months pg so she has less time to cause trouble.

Is BIL aware of all this that went on previously? If so then he really should understand why you need him to keep this quiet. You are not asking him to lie, just not tell her IYSWIM.

He is aware but I am uncertain he would keep it quiet, he is off the attitude that a women being abusive is not the same as a man being abusive. He is also currntly of the opinion that she is our mother afterall. His wife is changing that attitude and slowly he is seeing that he has been trained to believe that his mothers feelings are more important than other peoples. He may keep quiet but I dont know if his mother found out he knew she would never speak to him again and I am uncertain he would take that risk.

I agree with the PP - push your due date back by a month when you tell BIL, then he's got no need to lie.

Has your DP decided to have no contact with her at all? If so I see no reason why your pregnancy should change this decision. She can't see you if you don't want her to.

No we have no contact at all now, but she knows our phone number, where we live and where dp works and neither me or DP think she will just let this go. He thinks she will probably try phoning first and then turn up at his work screaming, shouting and crying. She will try to get back in contact and I am worried about how many arguments, or phone putting down, we will have.

I have thought if we didn't speak to BIL we could change our number and she wouldn't find out. I just know she will scream and shout and do everything in her power to hurt us over this she refused her children to see their dad because he left her after having had enough of her behaviour and when SIL and her husband (who is very similar to MIL and we also dont speak to) and BIL and his wife got married MIL screamed and shouted and refused to attend if FIL went 13 years after they split up so poor FIL was left out because other than DP no one else stands up to her.

We had arguments from the moment I was pg about us inviting FIL when we got married (even though we had nothing planned) because my DP told her straight she would not dictate who could attend our wedding when we decided to get married she has done everything in her power to hurt FIL even after all this time.

Your DP sounds really strong - it can't be easy to stand up to, and cut out of his life, a parent. I think you just need to carry on as you have been. If she starts phoning, shouting and screaming continue to ignore her. Easier said than done, I know, but if you give in once you'll have to start all over again.

Is there any chance you can move a long way away from her?

Thanks plumm my DP is great and I am very proud of him he has found it hard. I think you are right I need to stop stressing and let DP deal with any fallouts.

We cant move, because DPs job is very specialised.