Help huge relationship crisis/end

[OhWesternWind]

I don't know if dp has come to the end with me. We have been together 17 years and have two wonderful children age 8 and 5, who would be absolutely devastated if we split up. Dd was only telling me on Sunday about a boy in her class whose parents are separating and I told her no of course that wouldn't happen to me and daddy.

Anyway, although things haven't been great for a while, I hadn't realised that dp thought they were so bad until late last night when he was mooning about looking fed up and I asked him what was up, and he ended up saying that our relationship was horrible, he doesn't love me or fancy me and we are only together because of the children.

I was absolutely reeling from this and I still feel sick and ill. I hardly slept last night at all.

I don't want to be a single parent, I still love dp and I think that we can work things out if we both want to and really try. But I don't think he wants to, although he has said he will try relate.

I feel so alone and sad and literally ill, I can't see how things are going to work out. I don't want to lose dp and our lovely home and have the children living apart from their dad, it will kill them and me (not literally of course but you know what I mean).

Please help.

but kepler people do seem to say things in such circs which are not true. My friend for eg, ex said he had 'never' fancied her. This was demonstrably untrue as we could all recall quite graphically times when he clearly was fancying her...

But this is the least of op's worries, and it is not going to be very helpful for her to try to to deal with analysing the horrible things he said as well as the horrible situation unfurling around her. I have also heard others being told they 'were never loved' which frankly seems a big pile of crap, they seemed pretty happy at the wedding etc. I do think a lot of ex post facto justification goes on in these types of situations. i.e. I feel crap, not sure I love you now, ergo I never loved you.

He may have meant it, he may not. If he definitely meant it then it would appear the relationship has come to an end. But I would bet that even he doesn't know at this time if he meant it or not...

The issue is that the relationship is in crisis and I don't think such situations get any better by ignoring them and hoping they will blow over. I agree that you can't flog a dead horse but I also think it is worth making some initial attempts to see if there is anything worth saving by trying to talk to each other.

Yes, this was what I meant downthread about a perceived loss of feelings being less threatening and real when an affair is ongoing, than if love had departed through natural causes. The "loss" of feelings for a primary partner is very often entirely manufactured because of the affair and it is therefore not "real".

I also agree that when people enact behaviours that they know to be wrong, there is a need to rationalise it and excuse it, hence the arrant nonsense that departing spouses often spout in post-affair rationalisations. One poster called this "revisionist bollocks" and I agree with her. This process of re-writing history is, however very painful for someone whose memories were vastly different and it adds to their pain and confusion.

However, in this particular relationship, I don't think it's helpful to advise the OP to make any more single-handed efforts to resolve this, beyond creating a workable and civil co-parenting relationship. In this case, it is better for her to take control and give herself the permission to give up on a lost cause.

He's having an affair. Don't know how to sugar coat it. But he is. The phone thing is a classic give away. As is him taking more care of his appearence.
Good luck x

^He has also done other stuff like stealing money from school, trying to hang himself, chatting to dubious escort-type women on line, running off for four days to ostensibly find his birth mother and leaving the children distraught etc.

... How can I cope by myself?^

I am sure you will cope perfectly fine by yourself!

OWW - I could have written your post with a few changes in detail 5 years ago or even 10 years ago tbh

I took him back when he did this the first time

I am now not with him and life is FANTASTIC.

Yes we have had tough times whilst parting but being apart has made me realise what I really value.

He was a useles useless husband. I am far better off and can see that all my attempts to hang onto him for the same reasons as you (I did love him despite everything/the kids feelings/financial security compared to coping alone/my impression of being a failure if I divorced) were pointless and actually counter productive.

My best advice is to get yourself good legal advice and petition on grounds of his unreasonable behaviour. Sorry... but this will lead you to a happier life than trying to change him. You sound lovely. He sounds undeserving of you.

Incidentally my 'now teenagers' said they wished that I had divorced years ago. I was staying mainly for them!

^He has also done other stuff like stealing money from school, trying to hang himself, chatting to dubious escort-type women on line, running off for four days to ostensibly find his birth mother and leaving the children distraught etc.

... How can I cope by myself?^

Coping by yourself will be a walk in park compared to dealing with the above!

Thank you all for your messages and support. One thing I have realised during this time is what good friends I actually have even though I thought I didn't! In rl as well as online all the support has really helped.

Anyway, he came round after work yesterday and I saw him outside the house and asked him one last time to sit down and talk. But he refused to even talk. I told him he was a useless father, son, partner and brother and that he should be ashamed of his selfish behaviour. He went in the house and straightaway told the children he was leaving. Ds age 5 was not bothered at all, even when I sat him down later to check he understood (he did). Dd age 8 cried a bit but then said "I feel sad but happy too". What a memorial to him as a father. Useless so and so. Dd said "All daddy did was sit and play on his phone, he never talked to me or was interested in what I was doing". So I don't think they will actually miss all that much from him. I have told them he still loves them in his own way but dd says she doesn't want to speak to him and will call him by his Christian name instead of Daddy.

So there we are, a new single parent family but we have each other and whatever happens we will be fine

I sound brave there but really I am cacking it

What do I need to do now practically? Can anyone give advice or should I start a new thread as I guess it is a different support I'm after now?

Thanks again everyone for your help, it really has meant a lot and I am sure I will be back over the coming days/weeks many many more times. Feeling come and go, don't they?

Your children's response was absolutely heartbreaking. You will be fine, though. Now we just need to give you some good practical advice about what to do next...

OhWW

This really will turn out well. It may take months but your life is on the up I promise.

I would rather my DC had a caring father in their life and I had a husband because being a lone parent is tough but you didn't have that anyway - you had a liability. You have improved your lot already.

You will now have a rollercoaster ride when at times you question that, at times you'll miss him and feel love and at other times you'll grieve for the years you wasted with him. You need to pass through these emotions and you will.

Practically you can petition for unreasonable behaviour and get a divorce within a few months. I would suggest consulting a solicitor and seeing if your ex would come to an agreement about financial matters. The CMEC site is quite good to help you consider your options

You know what, you will be ok. You won't believe that now, but I promise you in six months time things will look better than they do now (I speak from experience...I am now realising my life will be better because I won't be married to a man capable of behaving the way my husband did).

I am so glad you have good friends. My friends have dragged me through this, and picked up the pieces when I fell apart. Accept all offers of food, childcare, practical help now, because people really do want to help. If they say "how can I help?", tell them. I had one friend who kept asking what she could do. She lives in Seattle and was bored because she was stuck at home with small children but when I told her I was worried about money she took it upon herself to do a whole lot of research into better deals on gas, broadband etc and emailed all the results to me, which was really lovely.

Practically, I would make an appointment with a solicitor. Most will give you an initial consultation free. Try and go along with the basic financial facts - household income, size of mortgage, debts, assets etc. I didn't but wished I had.

Try and give some thought to how often/when you would like him to see the children. My solicitor was quite firm about not wanting to get involved in discussions about the children - obviously she would have helped if things had gone wrong there but she was very keen to stress that the best outcome for everyone was if we worked out an access schedule between ourselves. I think that was excellent advice, as we managed to do that very early on. In fact, despite my husband's massive fuckwittery in all other areas, I can't complain too much about that side of things, he has been pretty good.

Divorce is just a paperwork exercise. That sounds awful, but it's just about filling in forms, and the other stuff - access to children, finances - is much more important. I don't think you can get a divorce until you've sorted them out, but you can sort them out without worrying about the divorce at this point if you see what I mean.

Just take some time to be sad as well. You don't have to be super woman, your marriage has just ended. It's ok to cry and wail and throw things.

Thank you all. We are not married even though we were together 17 years, just not something that seemed important. I'm not sure how this will affect what he has to pay for the children or anything. Do I still need to see a solicitor?

I do not want him to have a lot of access to the children at the moment as dd has said she doesn't want to see him. Also he has nowhere to live (he is in his mum's spare room at the moment) and generally he is not a good father. He just pretends because he wants to give a good impression. I don't think he is capable of looking after them properly as he is just not interested. When he has looked after them in the school holidays they are pretty much left to their own devices whilst he goes on his phone and computer, then shouted at when they don't jump when he says. He is very stern and strict with them especially dd. He has hit dd several times hard enough to leave a red mark. The last time he did this was over Christmas and I told him then he had to get help with anger management but he did not and I don't think he has any intention of doing this. But he does not have control over his temper especially with dd, because she will stand up to him and answer back when he starts his nonsense with her. He does not know how to just have simple fun and chat with them. Everything ends in an argument and tears. Even when he is trying to play with them he will start something like tickling them really hard so it is more like poking them. He really is a crap dad.

How can I have been so deluded and hidden my head in the sand for so long??? I thought I was doing the best thing to stay with him but even reading my own posts I am thinking "What a silly cow". What have I done to the poor children? I am so confused. My feelings keep changing constantly, I still feel really tearful and upset but also angry and so so disappointed that this is what life has come to.

In that case I'd go through the CSA - register your claim now because they will only enforce payment from when the claim is registered

The only exception to this plan is if you have a man who will make a voluntary contribution and stick to a private agreement - if this is the case you might be better with a private arrangement

Google CMEC and the options are all there

Yes I would see a solicitor or someone as CAB as soon as you can, it feels hard to do so early in the day but as you werent married sadly your rights are compromised.

Breaking up a relationship is hugely painful even when its the right course of action. My xh left last Christmas after 17 years together and I knew it was the right thing for me too but that hasnt changed the huge emotional rollercoaster I have been riding. What it does do though is give you strength and courage when you are struggling because you know the relationship was over and so the pain need to be endured.

Just to say now I am happier than in a long time even though this time last year I wouldnt have believed anyone telling me I would be.

I am just trying to take stock of what needs sorting out. It is still such an enormous shock to have this happened so quickly - over the weekend there I was still thinking we were doing okay as a family.

I feel such a fool, really stupid for being taken in and wasting so long on him.

I think that at the moment things will be okay financially as I have spoken to dp's mum and also to dp and said he needs to carry on contributing to the mortgage, bills, shopping etc as he did previously. He has agreed to this. Obviously this can't continue long-term but I can't face sorting out the house to put it on the market just at the moment, although I know that the time will come inevitably as I can't afford to buy out dp and take on the mortgage all by myself. That will be a big upset to the children as they were both born in that house and haven't known anywhere else. A big upset to me too as it is my home and the place I'd planned on being in for decades. I had all plans for the garden and work to do on the house!

I feel like such a fool. I have nearly cried at work which is a bit embarrassing as I have a lot of meetings on today and tomorrow. Still it is better keeping busy I suppose. The evenings are the time I dread. I don't like being by myself. What a wuss I am!

Only wanted to say - please, please don't feel a fool. It's natural, but you aren't, he is.

You are the fabulous mother of 3 fabulous kids. If anyone else put you down and called you an idiot or a fool, I hope you'd give them short shrift. You are going through a horrible time. Be nice to yourself. I think you're fab!

Hello again - I am having bit of a wobbly day today. The weekend wasn't too bad probably because my mum came to stay (lives 3 hours drive away, no other family local) but she has gone home now and when I go back home tonight it will just be me and the children.

I feel so so lonely. I feel very vulnerable and low at the moment. It is very strange to think of it just being me by myself, not part of Meanddp any more if you know what I mean.

He has taken me off his friends on Facebook which I know is just a tiny thing but has upset me a bit.

Although I have friends and people I can talk to I just feel so very lonely. I just feel like crying all the time and have a horrible sick feeling in my stomach. The last time I felt like this was after my dad died and for a few seconds each morning when I woke up I would feel okay and then the horrible truth would come crashing back down on me.

What can I do?

I've just waded me way through your whole thread and think you're amazing. I haven't been in a situation exactly the same as yours but I've had some horrible times in my life know things are difficult now but they won't always be like this and your life will get much better from now on.

Hi, i have just started a thread about my DH. He is also a teacher and has very recently told me that he no longer loves me and that he wants out. We have two small children that he dotes on though and so he wants me to go to Relate with him to get advice on how to leave me! I know how you feel. I am in the 'shock phase' and can barely believe it. Our stories read so similar. Hugs to you, this is a terrible time, i know!