A future with no spark?

[ohbollards]

In a nutshell, I don't think I love dp anymore. I don't want him to touch or kiss me anymore, I can't bear the thought of sex with him but he doesn't try it on with me anyway. We have slept in separate rooms since before DD arrived (she is now 7 months - she still feeds in the night but even before I had her, I slept better without him snoring next to me). I do like him as a friend and we occasionally have a laugh together but I am just so sad at the thought of going through the rest of my life like this - with no sex, not even wanting to hold his hand etc. I feel like everyone else's relationships are better than ours. We're not married because when he asked me (just after I fell pregnant with our first child) I felt it was not the right moment to ask me and didn't want to get married while pregnant. It's just never been the right moment since and actually, I just don't think I want to commit to him. But we have 2 children which is a pretty huge commitment and although I'm sure that I would be alright single, I just don't know whether I could do that to the children. I just feel like I made a mistake years ago and it's too late to do anything about it now that we have children - who of course are the number 1 priority.

I don't really respect him as much as I should either. He doesn't earn much but works hard - I have much higher earning potential (I think we have always had a bit of an issue as I am educated to post-grad level but he has an HND - no shame in that but I think we'd both like him to be smarter than me). He has done nothing wrong. He's a good dad. He's about as rubbish as most men around the house - he does the washing up a bit and sometimes does a quick whip round tidying toys etc.

I feel like I don't have anything specific to complain about but I am just extremely sad that I am now stuck in a stale relationship. I think we will, embarrasingly, always be in separate bedrooms and can't imagine us having sex again. I'm 35 - surely too young to totally dismiss that part of my life? How important do you think the physical side of a relationship is? Do you think that if he really still found me attractive he would try a bit harder to woo me into bed with him or offer a few romantic gestures?

I can't tell him that I don't think I love him anymore...he probably senses the cold shoulder though. What should I do?

You can't stay in a partnership that is a 'huge mistake' for the sake of the children. It will backfire and the children will be miserable growing up in a family where the parents are unhappy. So if you want to go (and it very much sounds like you do) then you should go.
The Dcs don't have to lose their DF, you can arrange things between you so that he still sees a lot of them.
If you want it to work then an honest heart to heart is the starting place. Relate?
Sparks can be reignited but you BOTH need to work at it.

ohbollards I so understand, I'm in the same situation. I find it so hard to justify wrecking the happiness of everyone in my family to make myself happy. Especially as DH is very good husband and father - I just don't fancy him in the slightest and can't bear him touching me. I really have no advice whatsoever, I'm sorry.

Thanks for replying pickgo. The reality that that might be the best thing to do is knocking me sideways. .

Maybe it would be worth trying Relate...would we have to pay?

Exactly TeeBee - I don't know if I can justify wrecking the happiness of everyone. Weirdly, I really don't think DP is unhappy with the status quo so it would only be to make myself happy and I worry that if it messed my kids up then I would end up even more unhappy.

TeeBee - Is your DH reasonably happy?

We are both happy enough on one level - we get along and are good parents, but both of us know things are not right. But I think he would want to keep trying to a certain point - i'm just not sure how much can ever be achieved considering the way I feel (or don't feel) about him - but does that warrant spoiling the happiness of my beautiful boys - who we both live our lives for.

Relate do charge but reduce charges for lower incomes.
What puzzles me about both your posts is that how can you think your DCs will grow up ok with an unhappy mother all through their childhood? It's just so unrealistic. Dcs have an acute radar for when you are not being straight with them. They WILL know...and it will undermine their confidence in themselves and their perception, they might blame themselves and they will learn that that is what adult relationships are like and quite possibly repeat it themselves as adults.
So taking action to end an unhappy situation is not 'just' for you but for you all anyway.
In anycase, don't you think it would get a lot worse if you decided to martyr yourselves? There might be some long-term consequences for your mental health?

Thanks Pickgo, my parents divorced when I was a child and it had a MASSIVE negative impact on me and my life, and I think that's what's holding me back. I can't believe for one moment that traumatising my children the way I was could ever be the better option.

I have thought about it like that pickgo but then I just wonder whether I'm just being unreasonable and whether it's actually normal to have a relationship like ours. Should I just be lowering my expectations maybe?

Oh, Bollards, please don't stay in this relationship.

You don't love him. You don't want him. You deserve so much more.

It is not a womans lot to stay with a man simply because he has fathered her children. You deserve to feel desired and to feel desire. You are a woman, not a nun!

Leave. That way you free him up to find a woman that desires him - which is something he also deserves.

Good luck.

Also, I know you are worried about the effect splitting up would have on your kids.

But do you want your kids to learn that living in a loveless relationship is the way that life should be lived?

Separating is never going to be easy on kids, but you can handle it so that it doesn't have to be a massive trauma.
If you're both at the stage where you recognise the relationship is no longer fulfilling then that shared recognition should help to avoid the rancour of a lot of separations.
ohb I don't think it's normal in the sense you mean, ie acceptable... life's too short to insist on staying together when it is/is going to make everyone in the family unhappy.
That is, I don't think it's unreasonable to seek happiness in life. God if it was I think I'd give up now!
IMHO, staying together long-term when you know there are serious problems is asking for even more woe. If, say 12 months down the line, your partner had an affair how would you feel?

TeeBee, there are lots of people who are traumatised by bad family experiences where the parents have stayed together.

I say that as someone who was indoctrinated in childhood as to the evil of divorce. And then, one day, I looked up, looked around, and realised that dysfunctional families are dysfunctional families, whether the parents divorce or not.

I do understand how awful the divorce must have been, but would it have been awful anyway, in a different way? (I don't know, I am just asking.) And it seems to me that you are paying a very high price to try and buy back, for your children, what you didn't have. But perhaps they won't have it, either?

I really don't know about the situation of either of you, TeeBee, or OhBollards, but I do think it's worth thinking hard about how much you are willing to forego to try and make a "perfect" childhood for your children. That's not a bad aim in itself, and it may work out, and may be worth it. But life is both long (when you are unhappy) and surprisingly brief (when you reflect back on the years that have gone), so do consider that.

I'm not saying it's not worth trying to work things out. Life with children is hard, and it can come right as things get easier. In fact, it is surely usually worth giving it your best effort. But probably also worth thinking very hard about much time you spend making that effort.