Things gone wrong...again :(

[onelastchance]

As some of you know dh and i have had lots of problems.

Over the last few months and having seen a new counsellor, both together and separately, things had improved so much so that i was confident of our future.

However yesterday, I thought he lied about something - he's admanant he didn't, evidence suggests he did. I was very upset nad told him why. His lying was one of the issues which caued past problems. he still insists he wan't lying. he was fairly calm abaout explaing himslef yesterday morning but when i still didn't believe him aby the afernoon, he got nasty, blaming me for his tiredness (I'd been ill so he's been awake with ds since 5am) and later shouting and being generally nasty and syaing "i was picking holes in conversations" and "upsetting myself" not him upsetting me.

So sad it's all gone wrong again :( What should i do when he gets home?

OLC, I'm really sorry you didn't get a reply :(

This all sounds very upsetting. How did your evening go?

Our relationship really suffered due to dp lying, to be honest it has taken years to trust him again, I still don't trust him 100% and every now and then I end up accussing him of lying and it all ends in a big arugment. don't have any adivce, just wanted you to know your not the only one.

Eveing was going ok, until i started going on about it agin after we'd made up. Then he got angry and stomped off upstairs - he did later come to try to make up. I refused and refused and he came back a couple of times. Eventually we did make up but i've told him my confidence has been badly dented.
He started talking about booking out hiliday and now i'm not sure about that.

It's such a shame as about a months ago i told him i was more confident as thing had generally been going well. Now i'm not sure again?

I know it's possible he wasn't lying but i'll never know. It he wasn't i suppose his frustration about me not believing him is undrstandable and to e fair to him he kep fairly calm, when i was continually going on about it or not speaking to him, but then i said i wasn't eating the roast dinner he'd made, he snapped.

he siad he's been trying to keep explaining calmly but that just triggered his anger and he then started verbally attacking me as a defense

Hmmm. It's difficult! I guess he did feel hurt when you rejected the meal he'd made. Otoh, he shouldn't have been blaming you for his tiredness (you can't help being ill) and for 'upsetting yourself'. Sounds like there's still a lot of resentment undermining your life together.

Look, I don't know what he lied about but the main point is that, since he knows it nearly split you up before and you need him to help you rebuild your trust ... he has to be prepared to prove he's telling the truth! Yes, this does feel as though you don't trust him. The simple reason for that is: you don't, not fully and not yet. This must have come out in your counselling.

It's exactly like the aftermath of an affair. People who've never strayed don't need to tell their partner every last detail about where they are, who with, etc ... but people who have cheated do have to. If you want someone to change their opinion of you, you've got to work for it and there's no way around that.

Would it be a good idea to back to your counsellor together? I'm sorry it's all turning into such a slog for you :(

yes,maybe a good idea to see the counsellor again. We stopped seeing as as things has improved so much but she said to call her if things went backwards.

The lies were one of the things that nearly split us up and he was being quite tolerant and gentle in his responses ffrom first thing in the morning til the eve when i rejected his dinner - guess i wanted to hurt him back :(

Sounds silly but some new duvet covers arrived today as we'd been planning to re do our bedroom - but now that i'm uncertain again, not sure if i want to now . Also not sure about holiday - what should i say

anyone there?

I dunno, OLC, what you're saying sounds like someone who's trying to withdraw from the relationship. How are you feeling about things overall?

I'm tied up in knots with something atm, but am checking your thread :)

I think you should try to stay focused on the suspected lie and NOT let it escalate into not eating dinners, not decorating, booking holidays etc.. If you are committed to making it work (and it sounds like you are) then keep it up!
AS other poster said, he must know that it's now down to him to prove he is trustworthy, and with previous in this area he can't really complain about that. Perhaps this needs discussing and agreeing again?
As for this incident, if you can never know I think you should try and put it out of your mind and certainly not keep bringing it up with him. Whilst he has to prove himself as trustworthy, if he can't give that proof because it's not a provable thing I think you'll just have to let this one go if you want the marriage to continue making progress.

thanks pickgo - think you;re right. I kept going on about it again this eve - he's now stomped off upstair again :(