Ex having nervous breakdown - how to support DCs

[secretskillrelationships]

Typed a very long initial post but the bottom line is what do I tell the DCs and how do I support them while their dad takes his opting out of life to a whole new level.

I know that sounds harsh, but there is a long back story for those who don't know me. After a lot of work, I've now got to a place where I am fairly neutral towards my ex but he is handling the fact that I am finally moving on with my life extremely badly.

Got a call from ex's friend this morning and it sounds like he's having a complete meltdown. He was diagnosed with depression this morning but friend thinks he can't wait for AD to kick in.

Have put my life on hold (again) to ensure I am available if he is not well enough to have DCs as usual this week but what should I tell them? They are 13, 11 and 6. How do I put my irritation to one side in order to support them as much as possible?

sounds familiar! leave his friend to take care of him...

my DC have seen the beahviour around exP#s "depression adn anxiety" and describe it as him being "distressed" -they understand it happens to him...

has he had one of these breakdowns before?

if is new thing - just tell them daddy is sick and leave it at that - unless they seen any behaviour which needs explaining.

if it needs explaining you can give simple explanation of mental illness being in your head rather than physical - depends what they ask.

jsut tell them "dad is sick" and answer their questions as they come.

ADs take a few weeks to kick in - best keep out of his way...or only supervised contact if he/they want to meet

Thanks for the response, cestlavielife.

Nothing as extreme as this before. When he wanted to leave his job he did something similar but I felt it was an 'honourable' way out for him rather than having to take full responsibility for the decision himself iykwim. He was diagnosed with depression at the time but was still able to do everything he wanted to do (and unable to do things he didn't want to) so I question the diagnosis.

I guess the secondary question is how I do what I know I need to do when really I am very irritated with him - when does it stop being all about him, his needs etc etc. I'm also having to reorganise my plans for the foreseeable future when I am supervising builders, working, supporting DCs and trying to move!

Guess I'll just have to get on with it as always.

I think you have to be resolute.
Try and distance this from yourself and your DC tbh.

Cruel I know, but I have a feeling that a lot of his 'Breakdown' is to more to do with your moving on with your life, than his Serotonin levels.

Let the friend handle it.

Not the same as a Dad, I know, but my sister told her DCs pretty much what cestlavie suggested. Their main concern was whether it was catching!

She said it made me very tired, sad and grumpy. They didn't visit me much because it wouldn't be any fun for them and, no, they couldn't cheer me up because that's just the way the illness is. (They sent me cheer-up cards, bless 'em.)

Tell them that daddy is behaving the way he is because he is sick, that they did not make their dad sad or depressed, and that it is not their responsibility to look after him but that he has adults and doctors to help him so they should not worry.

LittleMissHissyFit - my thoughts exactly!

Thanks all for the advice. Unfortunately, the friend is more a work friend, not particularly local, very busy and likely to bail, I think. Ex rang the GP who seems to be at a loss to know how to help him?! Has suggested Valium on top of Prozac. Seems to think he'll just have to hold on until the ADs kick in in about a month's time.

I think all the advice is great but how do I convince them. They already feel abandoned by him for moving out (in spite of me doing my utmost to assure them that it is nothing to do with them). His behaviour in general has made it a more challenging time for the DCs (and me) than was strictly necessary even before this.

you could take them to the GP and ask GP to explain a little about depression to them? they might listen to it coming from a doctor?

tho i suspect LittleMissHissyFit has hit teh nail on the head...however there is bound to be some element of genuine "depression"