feeling so resentful, what should I do?

[dragonfly00]

I think this might be a bit of a rant, sorry but just need to get this of my chest and get some constructive advice. My dp of 17 years is driving me insane. We both work full time and I am the main bread winner, I also do the school run ( I work from home), do the majority of the shopping, cooking and cleaning. Over the years I could cope with this when our relationship was good but over this past year things have gone from bad to worse and I am feeling very resentful and angry. I have this nagging feeling something is not right ( not sure what) I can't see how someone can work 6 days a week and never have any money, every time I ask he where all his money is going he says he is still paying off the tax man, I just don't see why has has such a "big tax bill" when he never seemed to have earnt it the first place, it just does not make sense. Any way things came to head yesterday, we out shopping with our DS and he wanted to "borrow" some money for a pair of jeans and I refused, he went mental, called me control freak, selfish bitch. I just feel so hurt, I have spent a fortune on him over the years, paid for his holidays, luxuries(because after all I earn more) but I think he is acting like spoilt brat, it like I am his mother. After cooking the Sunday roast and putting DS to bed I thought I would try and talk to him the upshot is we had a huge row and when I woke up this morning he was gone. I have a horrible feeling to drove off to his work shop pissed up in the early hours. He does have problem with alcohol ( probably where all the money is going.) I just don't know what to do, I have no one to talk to, I think I staying with him and putting up with this shit because I am so scared to be alone. I feel old and washed up and don't think I will ever be able to find someone else ( I am 45). Some positive thoughts please, I have probably not explained myself very well and there is a lot more to this but this rant would go on forever!!!

I am a bit unsure how after 17 years you dont know each others finances. And also that you dont know where his money is going. On line gambling maybe?

Do you see his bank statements?

I think, if you can, you need to both sit down and work out how much money you have, and find out where his is going before you can move on anywhere with this.

We have always maitained separate finances ( he always been bad with money)and I have always paid more because I earn more but for the past year he has virtually paid nothing and each time I try to discuss he gets angry and says things like " I have far more important people to pay than you". He has started working Saturdays leaving me to do all the chores but I never see the benefits od his "extra" work. And no I have not seen his bank statements,

I can totally understand why you are feeling resentful, and I dont think he is being either honest or fair with you.

I am worried about the fact he is clearly not telling you the whole truth. maybe he is in a really tricky situation and too ashamed to tell you what it is? He is obviously stressed by it and therefore taking it out on you.

Snoop??

I know he is in a difficult place financially he always is, the trouble is he goes to work 6 days a week and never has a money, so what is the point. This also gives him an exuse to do nothing around the house and "EXPECT" me to pay for everything. It is just driving mad. As I said before I could cope if our relationship was good but I have this horrible feeling something is terribly wrong not just the money thing. He left the house in the early hours of Sunday, no idea where he went? and now acting as if nothing happened

The fact that he is so defensive when you raise the issue of money, suggests to me that there is something not right here, and he is guilty about something. Is he self employed and is having to pay tax back.

Have you considered there may be another woman around, or gambling or booze.

The situation is untenable and small wonder it is driving you mad. Who pays the mortgage and the bills. I think you need to be assertive and get this sorted even if it does cause a big row (which it probably will) you need to challenge him and not give up until you know what is happening.

Easier said than done I know - but it will be worth it in the end.

What you have been together for 17 years and have seperate accounts. I find this weird.

Me and my wife have joint accounts, I earn alot more money than her and I would never think to seperate the money in this way. We are a team and so everything we own is both ours.

May be you should put all money together, both access each others accounts and find out where all his money is going and what you both can do to help.

Mrspoc's probably right.

Ideally, you should have a joint account. You should both have your salaries etc. paid into this. Your bills/mortgage/tax payments/holiday money/savings should come out of this joint account - regardless of how much you have each put in.

The remainder (if there is anything) could then be split equally and paid into your separate accounts for each of you to spend as you see fit. So, if he's spent his, he can't afford a pair of jeans.

Of course, your main problem may still be that he turns abusive when you suggest this fair and reasonable solution.

By the way, don't worry about being alone...you are running a business and a home on your own already. A mere man is not a major necessity! No offence Mrspoc!

Does any mail from the bank or the Inland Revenue come to your house?

What sort of job does he do? Does he get paid for every job he does (like a taxi driver say) or can he work for days without getting a penny?

Interesting thread.

If you were a sahm or part time worker then many whom replied would be saying that money should be shared.

You say that you are the main bread winner implying that you financially support him but then won't buy him jeans?

I think that if after 17 years you don't know about each others finances and share money it is very odd.

It's odd that OP doesn't know where OH's money goes. You got to have earnings/profits to pay tax, so those profits must be going somewhere.

Re Joint account - Been with my Mrs 13 years and never had a joint account. She's been a SAHM for 7 years. She actively does not want a joint account. I transfer money to her every month and whenever she wants it (it's OUR money) and she spends it on what she wants. She likes the fact that I am not looking over her shoulder - and so do I. I don't think there is anything weird about not having a joint account.

But, changeisagoodthing, if she's paying for all of the bills, why should she have to buy him a pair of jeans, too? There is a limit!

Changeisagoodthing - it's not at all the same as a SAHM. She says he works 6 days a week! But then claims he has "more important people to pay" and asks OP to buy him a pair of jeans!

It's complete madness. OP, I am amazed that some are suggesting you should now share your money. Although I think it's strange that your finances are still so separate after all this time, it's probably for the best right now. He is obviously not to be trusted with finances. Do NOT give him access to your money.

I agree his behaviour is very bizarre, but more importantly, you have a feeling something is "terribly wrong". If you really look at that feeling, what is it telling you? What do you fear is going on?

He sounds very disrespectful and I don't think he is going to be straight with you even if you ask. It's probably time to think about getting out of this relationship.

Could you do some snooping to get some answers for yourself?

"I know he is in a difficult place financially he always is, the trouble is he goes to work 6 days a week and never has a money, so what is the point."

I know the feeling! I'm in a similar situation and it does make you wonder! I want to ask what your OH does for a living. My OH is a self-employed cabinet maker, he works stupidly long hours, gets very stressed but earns less than if he worked stacking shelves for a living. I am currently on mat leave but was earning much more than him plus doing all of the housework, childcare etc... It does make you lose respect/become resentful and relationships can't work without it. Hence ours is at rock bottom.

I read somewhere that marriages are less likely to work if the woman earns more than the man. I can see why - men often can't bear this to be the case, they would love nothing more than to be providing for the family so they can feel worthless or lose confidence if they can't. This in turn has a huge knock-on effect as no woman can find a man attractive if he is devoid of confidence. So the relationship starts to break down.

You asked for some positive thoughts but I'm sorry I'm struggling to muster any. I think it is really important that you find out what is going on with his finances. I just would not hack being in the dark about it! If he is self-employed, is there anyway you can say you both need to sit down and work out where the business is going wrong? You could start by saying that you know he works really long hours and that you think he is not getting sufficient financial reward for his efforts. Then try to open up a discussion about his incomings and outgoings etc. Personally I would say that he needs to start making more of a contribution to your family finances and if he can't then perhaps he should be looking for another job. But then, in my case, I usually manage to stir up an argument with that comment as his business is his baby and I think that he will probably never bale out of his sinking ship.

Good luck. You deserve better

Ohbollards, my dp does a very similar job he is a self employed antique restorer, I really think you know where I am coming from. It is ridiculous working 6 days and seemingly nothing to show for it, I have suggested that perhaps it is time to throw in the towel get a job that pays a regular wage and do his current role as a hobby for extra money, he of course went absolutely mental.The thing is I really don't mind supporting him financially if I felt he was "doing his bit" over the years I paid for it all but this current situation is just crap. Sorry about your situation by the way I did read your post the other day. To other people who have suggested having a joint account quite frankly that would be financial suicide, I don't want to lose my home and have kids to feed.

Um, not quite seeing what's in it for you.