Advise on age difference and babies

[BabyBorn]

Ive lurked on this site for as long as i can remember, have posted before under a different user name, about something unrelated to this topic.

Im nearly 26 and DH is 45, i have a daughter from a previous relationship, and she is now 6. Dh have been together for 4 years, married for 2.

At the start of our relationship (roughly a year into it) he pratically begged me to come off the pill to start trying for a baby, i decided i wanted to try too, but after 2 months i didnt fall pregnant, got a bit scared (have had ectopic and silent misscarriage in the past) and went back on the pill.

Now three years on i feel desperate for us to try for a baby, but he doesnt seem to be intrested. I dont really want to leave it any longer, and dont want to ideally be starting it all again when i am in my 30's.

Ive discussed it with him, and how i would really like to try for one more, and have asked if we could start in a years time. He says he isnt sure if its what he wants, doesnt know if he could cope with a baby, and doesnt want to go through that "baby stuff again" (he has a 17 year old, and DH EXW left when his son was a tiny baby, so its not as if he had to put up with "all that baby stuff" IYSWIM.

I feel like hes tourturing me by saying he wants me to wait for a year before he decides whether he does want another or whether he could cope with it or not. He has also said, if he couldnt cope then it could make us fall out big time, and that he didnt want anything to happen to us. I told him he should have thought about that before marrying somebody that was 19 years younger than himself.

I feel torn, of course i dont want us to split up, but if he doesnt want a baby, then im not sure i would want to stay and waste my life with the what if's and at least i would get the chance to have another even if it was that we split and i met someone else in the future. At least i would have that chance to have another baby. I know that sounds pathetic, but im writing this quickly and its hard to explain.

On the other hand, i dont want to stay with him and resent the fact that he doesnt/ might not want another child and that i end up hating him for it, and we split up anyway.

He is self employed, and i work 30 hours a week. He is however seeking full time employment at the minute, and the nature of his franchise means that he could still carry on being self employed as well as work full time.

Im really struggling with this.I cant stop thinking about it. I am desperate for another baby. I just want to cry most of the time when we discuss it.

I have recently had my mirena coil out, due to major side effects. We have discussed we have to be careful etc. He still very much wants to have sex, but i feel he might get scared at he possibility of me becoming pregnant(im not having any more artifical hormones in my body, they do not agree with me)and our sex life will be affected and relationship will be under further strain.

Any suggestions on what i should do, as i may have left alot to be discussed out.

Bump.

Thanks for the bump Echt! Please someone help!

Hi BB,

I am the same age as you with a husband 19 years older also.

We have a three week old daughter, who we conceived accidentally. It took us 4 years to agree on having children because he felt he was too old. TBH he wasn't quite in agreement until I told him I was pregnant...

He is now ecstatic at being a new dad.

If this is something you don't feel that you can compromise on, then you need to tell your husband that. Although I know that is easier said than done!

The bottom line is that he is not getting any younger, so if you are going to do it, there is no point hanging about.

Good luck!!

you need to ask him exactly why he's had a change of heart - it's a bit weird.

I have a 19 year gap too!

I can only relate my own experience. There was a large age gap between my parents. My dad didn't want another child as he has two older ones from his first marriage. My mother bullied nagged and insisted - amd here I am. (they tried for 5 years btw)

Although he loves me, I know his other daughter is and always will be first in his heart. I have always felt like a spare part in the family, a cuckoo in the nest. Also, my Dad was so old he never did Dad things with me at all. I feel I never had a Dad really, but a distnat and amiable Grandad. The other issue is I have no close of a similar age because of the weird generation gap. My cousins are in their 60s and 70s. My Ma has no family.

So think carefully before persuading him otherwise. Sure, my parents are emotionally clueless so no doubt with a bit more insight the same mistakes wouldn't happen.

21 years between my parents,my dad was in his mid 40s when his first child was born,they had 3 more in 4 years.He was the best dad ever,way better than my friends fathers. Spent all kinds of time with us,we were the center of his universe. Was old enough to have gotten all the wild stuff out his system and concentrated on us.

Thanks for all your interesting imput.

mjovertherainbow- I had already tried "well if you dont want anymore then no sex for you then" but ive made joking idle threats of that nature before about other things, but it never lasts long!Both quite highly sex driven.

I spoke to him again last night, i explained EXACTLY how i felt, and how i felt it could work out if we did try, the way in which we run our lives, what would be affected and what wouldnt be affective. The fact that i still want to work (i am very lucky with my job) He just sits there and listens, but he hasnt said much else about it. Although, to be fair, hes a very much reserved guy, doesnt like to be part of any confrontation, and doesnt communicate well (typical blokey style)

I dont think hes too old, and i believe he could cope, i just dont think he wants to.

I am so so lucky that i have kind parents who adore my daugheter and my mum books all her holidays from work on the half terms so she can have my daughter. My mum lives 200 miles away, so doesnt get to see her very often. In these half term times we have had a few holidays abroad just me and DH over the years, but ive always felt guilty and tearful when leaving my daughter with my mum, although i do give her the choice to whether she wants to come away with us or go to her nannys. She always chooses Nanny. However, we do go away as a family once year too,so she never misses out on going abroad with us once a year. DH has said if we had another baby, we wouldnt beable to go away on our own again, which i said i thought was really selfish as weve been away alone many times. Im also very aware that my mum would like to have her say and will want both of the children on half terms, and she wouldnt leave any grand children out. So to be honest i think hes making feeble excuses and clutching at straws.

I cant speak to anyone in RL about this, i have mentioned it to my mum and she knows most of it, she agrees that i do need to find out from him if he does want any more children sooner rather than later.

All of your replies have been really helpful.Thank you so much.

No idea how this will pan out. Will keep you updated.

mjovertherainbow- That is brilliant news that it worked out for you and your DH now wants another!

Thats exactly what i said,that if i feel so strongly about this now, then my feelings may never go away and didnt really want to pressure him if he didnt want anymore, but he had to be honest and actually tell me if he wanted another baby or not. Hes said he cant tell me the answer right now. Isnt it easier for a man to decide if he wants more children or not??

Im not using contraception either, but thats because i had awful side effects on the mirena coil, and doctor did suggest DH either got the snip or we used condoms. Putting me on any hormones isnt an option.I do not want to fall pregnant striaght away, we have a holiday booked in May and we are thinking about going away with my parents in July, so i would have liked to have started to try after this.I also wanted to make a few adjustments to the house and prepare myself and organise things before we started trying.

How old are you Mjovertherainbow if you dont mind me asking?

The loving you enough to put his own fears aside is exactly how i would have liked DH to do. I dont doubt he loves me, but maybe not enough? I really dont know anymnore.

DH's dad died before he was born, but his step dad was alot older. Not sure on his feelings regarding his up bringing to how he was brought up by his step dad to what he may think or feel about him being a dad again. Im not sure this is a question he could answer if i asked him.

I agree there is never a good time, i just wanted to make sure the timing was as good as possible, but you can never know how long it might take (i have only got one tube left as i had an ectopic pregnancy which resulted in tubal rupture)

You sound extremeley strong willed! I feel in the marriage i am the one with the most confidence and strong willingness, however i think i am being really good about this, rather than feeling like the nagging bitch from hell that is trying to force him into it, or threaten to leave him. Im worried i might get that way though if it isnt decided in the next few months.

I am so glad things worked out so well for you!