Friend marrying selfish and disrespectful boyfriend

[outofpractice]

I have a very old friend who has just got engaged to her boyfriend who is selfish and disrespectful towards her. In the last few years her whole life has revolved around him, she has avoided promotion at work, lost her confidence and independence, and she openly says that she is looking forward to "retiring" when she marries. He split up with her last year (and had a fling with someone else) and she came round and cried and said she really missed him but also that she would never meet someone who earned as much as him. I said that perhaps it was for the best, as I did not feel that he looked after her welfare as much as he should, and she was very angry, although I was polite and said I was pleased when they got back together again. She has been nagging him to propose for years since they moved in together and it has become a standing joke amongst their friends, and even in the engagement announcement, he was joking about how he had been nagged into proposing against his will, which I think reflects how disrespectful he is. I have sent a polite congratulation, but I am worried that she is going to give up her profession, get pregnant, and then get divorced by him in the future, or made into a doormat. On the other hand, I know her doctors have been advising her on a fertility problem, so maybe she should marry as soon as she can. I have been avoiding her recently because she only ever wants to talk about him and about how much money they have been spending, but now I am feeling guilty because she is a friend and she is marrying someone who takes her for granted and does not look after her self-respect.

outofpractice, there really isn't anything you can do or say I'm afraid. people choose their partners for all sorts of reasons, and whatever she is looking for in a partner (which may not be at all what you would be looking for, or even what you think is right for her), only she can say if this guy has it. All you can do is be a friend to her, hope it all works out, and be there if it falls apart. Frustrating and sad, but true I think....
anything else will backfire on you/strain or kill the friendship

Message withdrawn

I am in a similar situation to you. A close friend is engaged to a guy who, in my opinion, is abusive to her. When they got engaged 18 months ago I gave a polite congratulation but really didn't think the wedding would ever happen. I chose not to say anything to her because I just know she won't listen and is going to do her own thing no matter what. One friend has chosen to tell her that his behaviour is wrong, she didn't take any advice given and as a result their friendship has deteriorated.

The wedding is now 3 weeks off and I'm pleased I chose not to say anything.

Should they end up in the divorce courts, though, I really don't think I can fully be there for my friend. It is sad but all the crap I've seen her put up with has made me lose a lot of respect for her and I know I will find it hard to be sympathetic. I truly hope that their marraige settles him and they find happiness and stability together.

Unfortunately, people have to be allowed to make their own mistakes.

How many of us have married people against the advice of our parents? If you think you love someone (who knows perhaps she really does), then you don't thank anyone who interferes.

I would keep a low profile outofpractice. If you really think the marriage is wrong, then don't attend the wedding. And if you friend gets near the wedding, then changes her mind, please give her all the support and courage she will need to cancel it, I understand it's a really hard thing to do.

Caring about people is really tough isn't it?

Outofpractice all the girls here have given you some really good advice.
hope it all helps

I feel the same as Meid, that if and when he starts having affairs, not sharing money with her, neglecting the kids, or divorcing her in the future, I would not have much sympathy, because she is making this choice now. I also have been spending less and less time with her anyway, because she has lost her own liveliness and individuality and turned into a satellite of him. I really miss the way she was, but don't really like her as she is now. She hardly keeps in touch with me, and never bothers asking how ds is, but when I saw how few people she had copied the email to, I felt really bad, that she had fewer friends than me, and it would be wrong not to go to the wedding and just dump her as a friend because of him. I think I should try and encourage her to get as much jewellery as she can from him, so that if things go wrong and she has no money of her own, at least she will have that to pawn - although of course I won't explain the reason to her!

outofpractice, I agree, there's nothing you can do about it and she won't thank you for your opinion anyway (especially if she hasn't asked for it) so there's no point in saying anything.
I've tended to lose touch with friends like this just because I am incapable of keeping my mouth shut and pretending to like complete tossers of boyfriends/husbands and so the friendship is often doomed anyway. I can think of 2 friends like this and I've lost touch with both of them: one was married to an abusive, violent nasty piece of work and I just didn't want to listen to it anymore, especially since she had no intention of leaving him and the other was having an affair with a married man. He had 2 children (his wife didn't know about this, a five year affair) and I just didn't want to be party to the deceit any more (despite not knowing him or his wife) or to hear about how wonderful he was, so I stopped seeing said friend. So if you can cope with a superficial friendship and with hearing all about how wonderful this man is, then stay friends but if you can't, time to slow it all down I think.

love is blind!!

my ex is not perfect, it ook me years to realise this, but damn, my friend were they when i needed them! they told me for years he wasnt right for me, did i listen, no, because i loved him. i didnt bring all the things that happened on myself, i just thought we could make thinsg work. to say you wouldnt have sympathy for what happens if she married, well i'm glad your not my friend (sorry!!). we all make choices, some good some bad, i neglected my friends for my ex, hardly ever saw them, but they still cared about me and rallied round when i finally walked out 11months ago and had to move far away as the situation had gotton out of hand. keep in touch with your friend, just avoid her soon-to-be hubby and dont discuss him with her unless she wants to, bite your tongue, its your friendship she will need if things do go bad. i've sworn that i will never lose my friends over a man.

Very interested in what you say, www and misdee. I am more like www generally, but in this case, she is such an old friend that I can't bring myself to stop inviting her to things and keeping in touch. But, the friendship changes from liking being with her, to just tolerating her, feeling that she is "not herself" because she is so besotted with him, has lost her old confidence, and that can be just patronising towards her, especially if she really is looking for purely superficial "friends" in her life. I have another friend whose partner was abusive but it was totally different, because she was telling me she loved him and wanted to stay with him but also going through counselling with him and had limits in her mind of how much she would take from him. It was easy to "be there" for her and support whatever choices she made because she was so much more self-aware and I was actually able to see that there were aspects of him that were great because she was rational. Only time will tell. Who knows, perhaps now she has finally got the proposal she was obsessing about, she will be more confident and assertive with him?