I don't think I'd be here if I had somewhere else to go.

[MummyBee19]

I have been with DP for 3 1/2 years and we have a lovely DD. It has always been hard as between us because I'm very socialble and he's just not, so we butt heads often. We have always got through it though as I would have rather missed my friends then lose him.

But I recently lost my job and now I feel that its not just that he isn't as social as me, but that he has no idea what I have given for us and doesn't accept the person I am. I have used all of my last payslip to pay bills but he kept 'his share' of his payslip (half) of his payslip as he usually would. I now have no money, and am so angry. It is our DD's birthday in a few weeks and I can't get her anything. He says he will buy her what he was planning to buy her, and that's it.

What really gets me is that for the first 2 1/2 years of our relationship I was the only one that worked and brought in money and as far as I was concerned this was are money not just mine. I fell he has more want for his bank balance to be high then for my daughter to get what she needs. When he comes in from work I just want to leave but have no where to go. I have slept on the sofa for the last two nights and don't know what to do.

Am I just being petty or does this gut feeling that I have that tells me its not right that he wouldn't give everything for his little girl stant up?

Can you suggest a joint account?
How much is the present he's buying her and how much is the one you want? Perhaps he's just trying to be careful
re the socialising, can't you see your friends while ge stays in? Me and dhhave no babysitters so he goes out once a week with his mates and I go out once a week with mine

We have a joint account but that's so he can put the money he gives for bills in(half his wages that's all). He also gets the child benefit and keeps that for him. I would say he was being careful but moans when he has to buy milk with his money so I'm starting to fell he thinks that's his money for him only.

On the socialising, I'm not alound to go out on my own, he doesn't go out and the last time I did go I out I text him telling him I would be late so he broke some of my things.

I just don't know if there's anyway to bring things back together so we are a team again, everything just seems to move us further apart.

I by no means have the best marriage in the world but.....he moans when has to buy milk? You are not allowed to go out on your own? He breaks things when you get home late? What are you doing with him? Is this the life you have imagined you will have?

Oh shit. You know that he is controlling you don't you. this is abuse.

Read this: Signs you are with a Loser

I know its not right, but I don't really have anything or anyone else. If it impacted on my DD I would leave by whatever means, but I want to make it work I just don't know where to start.

IT IS IMPACTING ON YOUR DD!

She will; grow up thinking this is right and will seek out the exact same life when her time comes to find a partner.

You have to show her that strong women don't put up with this.

Sit him down and talk to him, tell him that this life is not right that he has to put the money in the pot as you have done, and that if he doesn't he'll be seeing an awful lot less of you and will be seeing DD on appointed weekends.

Get the benefits all into your name. Go to the CAB and see what help you can get.

But would living in a council house with a mum that can't support her and maybe never seeing her dad better.

I know things need to change and I know I have to talk to him sand make him listen but I don't think I'd be being honest with myself to say I can get up and leave because it would feel like taking a step back in life.

And where would it all leave him if I up'd and left. How would he cope, I'm not sure I could hurt someone like that.

you wont be able to make him listen.

someone who is controlling like that is never going to lsiten. he will just get worse and twist it to make it your fault.

how old is your DD?

call womens aid tomorrow and have a chat with them

Mummy b - when you talk about things DOES he listen? You can't actually force someone to listen if they don't want to.
It sounds as though he's a bit short on commitment to you?
Why would you not be able to support your DD if you were on you're own?
Even if you get another, part-time job of 16 hours you would get tax credit and be able to support her.
I agree that him stopping you going out is controlling. And keeping you short of money. Is he controlling in other ways?

How old are you MummyBee?

You have plenty of time to get out, sort yourself out and get yourself to a place that you are happy with.
If he doesn't want to see her that is HIS problem and it'll reflect on him rather than you.

Perhaps you may find a great man that IS a good father figure to your DD, and she will learn how important being happy and being free is.

This guy is not pulling his weight financially, he is controlling you in real terms and by restricting your access to money. He is slowly strangling your social life and chipping away at your independence.

Bet that this is not all he does either is it?

I was also going to ask how old you are as well.

He is not interested in change; change has to be a two ways thing. He's not interested and he will twist your words to make it appear to be your fault. You cannot change things on your own either. I would be calling Womens Aid in your particular circumstances.

Also read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. You'll find him in those pages.

How would he cope if you left - probably just fine actually. You are not responsible for him!!!. These men could easily find another poor sap to sponge off and control her just as you are being controlled now. He is controlling you both financially and emotionally. And he's breaking your stuff if you dare to defy him as punishment.

This is no relationship either for you or your daughter to be a part of. It is affecting her as well as she is learning from both of you how relationships are conducted.

Bet too your family don't like him either and he has isolated you from your friends. Abuse (and controlling behaviours are absuive) are insidious in their onset and he has undoubtedly upped his control of you since you both met. These men all work to a predictable script.

Its okay to say you've made a mistake with a man and these abusive men too are very plausible to those in the outside world. However, it is only behind closed doors that their true nature emerges. You're seeing his true nature at first hand. You do not need to compound your error though by remaining with him; you will come to bitterly regret staying with him.

This sounds so familiar. Go to the Womens Aid site and read about financial control.

What you said about getting a present for your daughter and him getting the gift he is going to give and that's it...It doesn't sound as if you are both a couple/joint parents if you get separate gifts for your child and that he wants kudos for his present/contribution.

Unless he has other redeeming features and you can work on the controlling aspects then I would bail now. Sorry, but I spent 13 years with this shit and it didn't get any better.

Good luck!

See if you recognise any of this

Why is he getting the child benefit?

Is he getting the child tax credits to?

You are not his prisoner- he has no right to 'not allow you to go out'

Please contact womens aid if you haven't already done so.

please read the links OP. the despair you are feeling is bcs he has reduced your life right down so he is the only one in it. I say 'in it' but he's not actually in is he. him keeping tabs on you wherever you go, not 'allowing' you to go out (is he your dad?) - all point to you a being frighteningly controlled by him.

many people have got out of relationships like this OP (i'm one of them) though to begin with you can't see how you could possibly get out bcs they have brainwashed you to believe you couldn't live/function without them and there is nowhere in the world you could go. the opposite is the truth. please look at the links, contact womens aid and look at their site. there are many women in your position - when you are free it will seem like it was all a bad dream and you wonder how you got so caught in it. it is often an issue to do with our kids that wakes us up to realising that things just aren't right.

don't feel you have to protect him OP, you don't. he is quite capable of looking after himself. you may feel sorry for him but you don't need to - your 'pity' for him is one of the things he uses to keep you in his control.

Child benefit is supposed to be spent on the child. It's not a reward for a parent for bringing a new citizen into the world and being so amazingly gracious as to continue looking after her. It's because raising the next generation of productive citizens costs money. The only reason for one partner having the child benefit, and tax credits, and anything else that comes in or back from the State with the world "child" in it (there's a clue there!), is because that partner is the one who spends out on the child. In this case, that's you, especially as you currently don't have another source of income.

So, he's a mean bugger with a "what's yours is mine, what's mine's my own attitude. Time for sharp words about his assumptions and how life in a partnership ought to be, and if sharp words don't get him to shape up, start considering other options.

Left off a " there. Cross with self.