Help me find some perspective.

[ItsAllGoingToBeFine]

This is my first post in relationships so be gentle with me - I'm going to try and be factual, but basically I'm feeling very hard done by at the moment and it would really help if you guys could give some perspective and help me feel more positive about things.

I feel like I have somehow become solely responsible for all of the childcare and housework.

DD is 8 months old and I am still technically on maternity leave, although I will not be returning to work.

On a typical day I will get up, change the babies nappy, put nappies in wash. Assemble yesterday's nappies and laundry and put away. At this point DP will come into the kitchen, grab a coffee, then go off to surf the internet. I will get breakfast for me and baby, clean up after baby, empty the dishwasher. By now is usually close to ten so DP heads off to work at 5.

I manage very little housework during the day, a couple of loads of laundry and other than that I find keeping DD happy to be a pretty full time job.

DP goes out to a martial arts class for a couple of hours 3 x a week, and I go running for about 30 mins 3 x per week (while DP looks after DD). DP also runs the dishwasher and puts some bread on in breadmaker in the eve.

Weekends are much the same as weekdays really - I struggle to get the housework done as DP is a bit funny if I try and palm DD off on him so I can get housework done. DP also goes off for an afternoon each weekend.

The house is a shithole and I never seem to get enough baby free time to tackle it.

Is this fair? Am I being totally unreasonable? Please help me to feel more positive about things, and to stop me feeling angry and resentful all of the time.

Apologies for the marathon post!

This sounds very unfair!!

Have you tried talking to DP about getting balance in house care and parenting? What has he said about it?

Did you talk about any of this before having the baby or have you fallen into a way of being?

You need to read Wifework by Susan Maushart (SP?) to understand how two apparently equal partners fall into this trap so easily.

It is not fair and YANBU but sorting it out fairly is a life's work. You will have to put up with more resistance than DP being a bit funny if you want him to share the load of running HIS house and looking after HIS child.

Good luck!

Why are you not returning to work?
Does your DD sleep or amuse herself at any time during the day?
Why not spend your weekend together, why spend the weekend doing housework? isn't there lots of other things you could be doing as a family?

MigratingCoconuts It wasn't discussed prior the baby, I just kind of assumed it would all fall nicely in place . If I try and discuss it nowI just end up feeling guilty for impinging on his free time - to be fair he is self-employed and things have been very, very tough for him for a while.

nogreatexpectations I'm not returning to my current work as it is completely incompatible (in my view) with having a child. In the longer term if at all financially possible I'd like to stay at home and bring up my child until she is school age.

My DD will amuse herself for short periods, but I really need to watch her like a hawk. I could buy a playpen and cage her, but that is not something I want to do. RE sleeping - she does nap during the day, but I need to nap with her or she will only go 20mins before waking up still tired and grumpy. So I sleep with her so she is happy (and so I get to catch up on my sleep a bit too!)

I spend the weekend doing housework as DP is there to watch DD. In the past I tried enforcing a trip out with DD at the weeke d thing but he never showed a lot of interest, didn't enjoy it, and it kind of fell by the wayside. I think he'd rather do things on his own

Reading through the above it does seem I could solve some of the issue by e.g. sleep training DD - but this is not something I want to do.

I don't mind doing the housework per se, but it is hard doing that and keeping DD safe and amused. As I will be staying home I know that it is fair that I should do the housework, and I anticipate that it will become easier as DD gets older.

I just wish DP could be a little bit considerate and aware of what is going on around him e.g. instead of standing and chatting while I sort out laundry he could help?

Tbh, if you stay at home you will become responsible for the vast majority of the housework and childcare. That's part of it. He should be helping you more, but he's not going to if he can get away with it. I do think he spends a lot of time out of the house - 3 evenings a week plus both weekend afternoons is too much. When do you spend time as a family?

Does he like having a child? It sounds like he is trying to avoid as much domesticity as possible.

the part about being funny if you try and 'palm off'' your child on him doesnt sound right, I'd take him to task on that.

'a bit funny'?
About looking after his own child.
Jesus, another selfish tosser.

I think he doesn't really know what to do with her, which is moderately understandable. I don't think he finds spending time with either of us particularly interesting

To his credit though, he is watching her now while I MN

I think maybe I just resent the fact that having a baby hasn't changed his life in the slightest.

Meh.

Thanks all, glad to know I'm not imagining things - that gives me a bit more confidence to try and address the issue.

I'm a bit worried about the fact that you plan to give up work for several years and yet aren't married to your DP. You know that if you separate he will only have to give you 15% of his income for child support, and as he is self-employed that might vary a lot. Do you both own the house you live in?

liquiditytrap I think it is unlikely we wil separate, we have been together since I was 17 (I'm now 32!)

However, I have independent means and a family to fall back on if necessary. Plus, if push came to shove, there is no reason that I couldn't work.

I took a deep breath and tried to talk to DP this morning. Didn't go to well - he sulked for a bit, then came back and told me why he couldn't help out more (because it's all my mess).

However, DD slept much better las night, so I am feeling a bit better this morning. I shall keep gently pushing DP and see where that gets me.

Hi ItsAll, It will gets easier as your DD get older but in the meantime you need to find a way to manage your time. I know this sounds a bit harsh but the reality is that if you stay home to look after children, this involves quite a lot of domestic labour too! It's anavoidable, the more you are in doors, the more housework seems to be generated.

Does your DD wake a lot and still feed at night? Always a good place to start, if you can address the night time waking you will feel more lively in the day. I don't like these cruel sleep training programmes either but it is still achievable without lots of tears.

When you have the sleep sorted, set yourself three tasks over and above what you manage at the moment. Stairgates etc sorted it should be possible to carry DD round the house and watch her and talk to her while you do things. (I hate those play prisons too)

DH-set him daily tasks, something easy to follow, time appropriate and routine such as always put washing away and unload dishwasher. Same thing everyday (like training a dog) Insist he spend time with DD and also find time for you-everyday. When my DC were very young I told DH what he would be responsible for and I left him to it. The oven, bins, dishwasher, windows, car, lawns etc. The oven was left for 18months but he eventually caught on and got on with it.

Finally if you can't get your DH to do anything, do a time and motion study! show him how many more hrs of work you are doing because 10-5 for self employment is part time