Practicalities of leaving a 10 year marriage

[Rorogeorge]

I need some advice about what to do.
I want to know how I go about sorting everything, from dog to house.

Do I leave with the kids or stay here and ask him to go?
What if he won't go?
I am happy to go but not sure I can afford it and don't want my children to suffer.

Any advice would be gratefully received.

Hey Roro, just being reading you on the other thread...this sounds to me like a great decision on your part... well done!

Every relationship is different. I'd ring the number put on the other thread. I guess it depends on how he will react. It would be best if you stayed and he went but this may not be possible if he is violent.

His mum sounds like a good bet too...she clearly knows her own son.

Hope you get a good plan in place asap
xx

Such a lot depends on your housing situation.

Do you rent or mortgage. Whose name(s) is on the agreement/deeds ?

Do you work ? Can you support yourself in the short term if he plays silly buggers with finances ? If not, see the CAB wrt any financial help you will get as a single parent.

Start wriing a list of what you need to think about. keep it all well hidden and start compiling all your finacial obligations both shared and individual. Take copies of everything-statements, policies etc

This is evidence-gathering at the moment and there are people who can help with that. Women's aid is a good startting poin, hey are there for all women in poor relationships, not just those whoneed to flee to refuges.

Don't show your hand yet. You will get blocked by him. He will undermine you or when he realises you are serious he will turn on the charm offensive which will be very dangerous for you as I assume you have given in several times before (that is very, very common, btw)

Take your time, confide in trusted friends/family and plan very carefully. remember you can't do this on your own...

Sorry about all the typos, my keyboard is fecked.

I'm beginning to think you making it up about your t button, AF and that you are just a lousy speller

nah, am perfect speller

We have a mortgage in both our names. I work part time and he is self employed and pays into our joint account every month for bills etc. All the utilities are in my name.
We own a small piece of agricultural land which I would like half of but it is in his name I think.
I'm feeling quite scared. But you are right.

These things are always complicated but not insurmountable or no-one woud ever get divorced.

Speak to the oficials that can help you. It may be worth contacting a solicitor too, but make sure he doesn't know that (yet) unil you are feeling more sure of your situation.

I will come together. It won't feel like it at the moment, but it will.

Absolutely. Its all about knowing your ground first.
Other than us and his mum (who couldn't be expected to keep a secret from her son), who else in RL can give you emotional support? Anyone you can confide in before you tell him?

it will come together

sorry

Spoken to women's refuge and they made me see I can sort it with counselling because I'm not doing anything wrong, only he is! I always thought in some way I must be partly responsible, but actually not. I am looking at what I need to do. have decided I would be happier renting somewhere rather than staying here with all these memories.

I meant Can't sort with counselling..

I am really, really glad you are seeking RL advice and support.

You are being extremely brave in facing up to this, and nit running away to bury your head in the sand.

This is the hardest path (in the short term) you are taking, but in the long term the better one. For you, and for your children.

Keep posting and keep planning. Let us know how you are doing. Make sure you hide your internet history.

Thank you AF. I spoke to the tax credits people and I will actually just about be able to support myself and my boys without him if necessary.
Women's refuge advised me to call the police if it happens again. Can't believe I didn't even think I could do that. I'm going to bide my time and get it sorted out.

Yes, call the police immediately if you feel threatened, even verbally.

So glad to see you have taken matters into your own hands...get a bit of power back!!

How's things now? How has he been?

Roro, I had been following your posts on 'Pancakes' thread and just wanted to tell you that I think you are very brave and an amazing mum to put yourself though what will almost certainly be a hard few months, because you know it is without doubt, the best thing for you and your boys.

Hats off to you Roro, and good luck