Is it worth sticking around for something that you know is second best?

[crescendo]

I'm just wondering where to go from here...

Dh and I have been married for a long time. Have 2 dcs.

The last 5-10 years I have been pleading with dh to make some changes to our lives. Both of us work full time (I am the breadwinner). I work standard hours, HR works fixed shifts which means the only time we have together is Sunday afternoon (when he normally announces he is tired and goes to bed). He gets 1.5 days off during the week when the kids are at school and the nanny looks after them.

I told dh we didn't see each other enough. He sympathises with me but doesn't come up with solutions. It's clear it doesn't impact him as much as me. He will make an effort for a few weeks then it goes back to normal. Our sex life is dwindling, and I feel miserable.

There is nothing specifically wrong - he's a good dad, maybe lazy and untidy - but this lack of any effort for our relationship is starting to wear me down. I hear my friends tales of their weekend and it's all things they get up to as a family and I spend the weekend with the kids on my own, every weekend.

He says 'what is he supposed to do' as the job Market is bad and he can't find something else but deep down I know he will not leave that job as he loves what he does. But ultimately it is killing our marriage and a big part of me wants to leave now and find someone who actually wants to spend some time with me.

He works shifts not HR

He used to have a regular job but changed to this one around 10 years ago to this one that requires long hours and weekends.

Stop looking at what friends are doing and drawing comparisons and try to appreciate the things in your marriage that work.

Encourage him to do more with you in the aspects of your marriage where you are happy and improve your own marriage from within. Far easier than starting all over again.

Women seem too critical of thier own relationships and always want to dwell on the aspects that don't work. Its a guaranteed way to wreck a marriage.

We don't have a marriage though. I don't think 4-6 hours a week could qualify! I cannot focus on making things better for us. I can make things better for me by going out more, seeing my friends more but ultimately, he has to make changes for things to improve for us and he isn't willing to make any!

He needs to be made aware of this. Chances are that he probably does not know.

I look around at work at married guys who are still there with me at 9pm in the evening and I think most of us are clueless as to the impact it is having on our marriages because women fail to communicate.

Guys need things in bold clear statements. We lack female empathy and really cannot guess how you are feeling. Be clear and tell him what you just told us.

Sadly I have told him. Persistently. He makes an effort for a few weeks then goes back to the way he was before. I feel he's patronising me in a way - it's like he subconsciously believes if he makes an effort for a few weeks, I'll forget about it iyswim.

I gave him an ultimatum about 5 years ago when I said our marriage was over. He completely panicked and became incredibly upset. He apologised profusely, promised to make an effort and did for about 6 months. He was miserable though and when he reverted back to his normal patterns he was much happier.

I think I want him to admit he is only happy in our marriage as long as he is doing exactly as he pleases. He can't admit that. He feels he makes as many compromises as I do, which is blatantly untrue.

There's not one person we know, even his friends, who believe I can tolerate our life the way it is yet this seems to piss dh off (this opinion), rather than spur him to change!

Time to move on. Unfortunately us men usually wimp out and it is women who initiate the majority of divorces.

You both need space to be who you want to be.

Thanks absent. I think I am coming round to that opinion though it saddens me greatly.

Guys need things in bold clear statements. We lack female empathy and really cannot guess how you are feeling.

Christ on a bloody bike!