how do I tell him its over?

[LmO]

I've been married for over 5 years and have 2 children, my H is sometimes agressive and verbally abusive and a very heavy drinker. 3 months ago I confronted him and told him if he didn't sort himself out I would leave. So I am ready to end our relationship. I need some advice...
Do I meet him face to face somewhere neutral and tell him its over & he has to move out?
Or
Do I leave temporarily and phone him and tell him - sounds cowardly but I feel like running away.
Any other ideas?
I haven't much courgage.
I have somewhere to stay temporarily until either he moves out or we divorce.

Sit down with him for a couple of hours and ask him to tell you how he thinks the marriage is going and what the future holds.

If he expresses ant doubts or worries then pick up on these and explain that it is the same for you too and that for that reason you think the marriage can no longer go on.

Let him down gently by letting him thin that he had some control over the decision. Put questions to him about living arrangements and leave him to suggest solutions. Clearly put to him any problems you foresee with shared living arrangements and wait for him to volunteer to move out.

If that fails then sit him down with a solicitor and try to mediate the issues you cannot agree on.

After that it is full on legal proceedings with occupation order, residency for the daughters and supervised contact wih the children.

Thank you for your comments, I'm sure I sound like a wimp but he can be extremely difficult and loses him temper quickly and violently. I have been reminding him over the last 3 months of what I see as the issues between us, i realise I have changed and that he hasn't but we are parents and I do not see his behaviour as appropriate, too much drinking and shouting at the kids and me. I will think about what you have posted AF. Thanks for listening.

Hmm, AbsentFather's suggestion is an excellent way of handling a break-up where both parties are rational, but I wonder whether it'll work where one party is temperamental and prone to violence. May I suggest perhaps that you do this but, as you originally said, somewhere neutral - somewhere with potential witnesses in case he's tempted to turn nasty? Or have a parent or friend on call to step in? Women's Aid for example will tell you that the most dangerous time is when a woman tries to leave. I don't mean you should be afraid of doing what you have to do, but just take a few precautions, you know, should the worst come to the worst.

I left many years ago before we were married and I had to sneak off when he wasn't home cause every time i tried to leave he just stood in my way. Bit worried about it but my BF suggested I ask my dad to come with me and he could wait for me, he said he would as long as we both understand, any agression and hte police get called. My dad is nearly 70.
Really stressed about it, pranked my car this morning, fell over earlier and now discovered someone has paid with my credit card - can it get any worse?
Anyway my DH will not let me leave easily I know he will accuse me of taking his children away and IS likely to get violent, he gets the anger out 1st and thinks about stuff later. When I confronted him a few months back he was very violent and I spent the night on the phone to a helpline - I should have called the police then

You sound very much like me (although only 1 DD & not married) - is there a night that u know ur DH will be out? I literally left with the help of my mum in the middle of the night with my DD and as much stuff as I could fit in our cars, then the next morning j told my DP on the phone that I had gone so I was not there.

Also another option - you can call the police now. If you let them know that you're leaving & think he may be violent they can cone & be there while u explain it to him & sort out all your things to leave. That way they're there to stop things happening not just react 'if' they do.

Hood luck. Please let us know Joe it goes xxx

I would call the local police station and tell them that you need help. Ask them if someone can be there when you tell him, apologise for not having reported other DV in the past, but explain you were afraid of him. Ask what they can do re a 'restraining order' (or whatever they're calling them at the minute that stops him being able to come near the house/you) and ask if they can help you get in touch with the right person for supervised contact with the children.

Thank you 2 dogs and Chipping for your advice, my dad said i should call them too. So I will. Just been on the phone to DV helpline too. Panicked cuz I am a step closer to actually doing it, leaving.

you told him you would leave - so you dont owe him explanation.
try and leave when he out and leave a short note
"three months ago i said i would leave if you didnt sort yourself out. you havent. i have left. you can contact me via xxxxxxperson/solicitor to arrange contact with the DC"