A bit of a Jekyll and Hyde?

[HildaVonCrapp]

I live with a lovely man, he is generous and kind and genuinely can't do enough for me or my children (not his). He works hard but is never too tired to be all he can be when he comes home - such a sweet guy. He is 100% appreciated, everyone says please, thank you and offers to help/do things in return are always forthcoming. Needless to say I love him dearly.

However every so often we (all) experience a very different person (maybe once every 2 or 3 months) and I absolutely cannot get my head around it, neither can the children (all teenagers - 19, 17, 15, 13).

I will try and explain briefly. A bit of background. My life (social, family, work) is his life. The house we live in is mine (I lived on my own for 5 years before I met him) and I have gone out of my way to make him feel part of it, dedicating space to him and redecorating to incorporate his taste. I share everything with him without question and he wants to share it, yet his life is quite obviously his own. His family, his friends, his work. And actually that is fine but I just find it a little odd.

He showed me a text last weekend from a friend of his that would indicate they were very close and I mentioned it would be nice if he pay us a visit (he has never been to our house in the 3 years we have been together). DP's reaction was intense and he was very defensive of the friendship to the point of telling lies and all at huge volume. I sat with an open mouth tbh as I could not for the life of me think what I may have said to warrant such a tirade over an innocent suggestion. Every time I opened my mouth to speak he shouted across me. He then spent days in a sulk. He refused to talk, was sullen and gruff, walked out of the room mumbling at least once a day and not just with me but with kids too, which makes me rather bloody cross I have to say.

Now this is not the first instance of this. If I hit a nerve (ie dare to pry into the life he has that we are not welcome in) he reacts like this and there have been numerous episodes of the same with different triggers. I am not one to tread on eggshells and am a very upfront person so naturally find this difficult to deal with. Happy for him to have privacy, Christ we all need that, but think this goes beyond that. I deal with sulking by choosing to ignore it rather than pander to it, after all he is 41, adult enough to voice his anger/pissed offness or whatever it is.

I have tried over and over talking to him about this reaction but he looks at me blankly and says he doesn't know what I am talking about. Emailing/writing just gets ignored.

I am writing here now to see if any of you have a clue what I can do. It is affecting our sex life now - me I'm afraid. I find it hard to be close to someone physically when there is an emotional gap. I used to be able to get it back when the episode was over but it gets more and more difficult.

I know this probably doesn't sound like much but it is driving me round the bend :-( Please help?

Even though he says he is not gay be may be bi, anr he is not allowing that part of him to come out.
How would you react if he was bisexual?

Kayah, I am very liberal minded about most things. If he is bisexual then he is. I don't see evidence of it though and my gaydar is pretty reliable

He had a gay relationship in his late teens which has been openly discussed and he has fielded questions about sexuality from my children quite comfortably. He is unable to do that with something he has not processed/admitted/come to terms with if that makes sense?

That's good if he isopen about it etc.

I have never met anyone with such personality, the thing is he doesn't see it as a problem, he thinks he is entitled to privacy (well I would be like you very uncomfortable at my partner having secrets from me).

Does he know that this causes you distress?

Have you discussed it away fro margumet?
I mean, cup of tea, kitchen table, kids out of the house?
I would set it by telling him - I want to siscuss such and such subject with you on Saturday afternoon at say 4 pm - what do you think? Obviously don't allow to get dragged into discussing it then, but at an agreed time.

Kayah, I think he does realise there is a problem but doesn't have the tools with which to address it.

With regards to discussing away from argument, yes there are opportunities however I just have to take them as they present. Reaction at those times is mixed, often he hangs his head as if he is getting a bollocking (which he is not, I am trying to encourage discussion). Other times he will sit and look blankly and say he doesn't understand. Here he is telling the truth - he really doesn't understand the depths of us humans, having never explored it before. Or worse reaction is he becomes defensive especially if he thinks he is being accused of lying.

I think the core issue is his inability to confront his issues and be honest with himself. It is a brave person that digs deep after all and I think he is rather scared of what he might find. I understand that as have felt that way too albeit a long time ago.

He was a mummy's boy until his mother got God in a big way - he refers to that as the time when he lost her (this is all coming back to me). His ex wife was a control freak, she organised everything and he just went along with plans. He has no choice now but to take responsibility to a large degree for his own life, his actions, his business and really he is probably floundering a little. But he is an adult, it is sink or swim and we all have to learn at some point. I am more than happy to help someone especially him but he has to learn to know what he wants and to ask for it when he needs it. Harsh lessons coming up eh?

He gets very stressed by "I want to talk" and if I set a time and date he would have his knickers wound firmly round his neck and the discussion would be fruitless. He doesn't hear at the best of times but if he is wound up to start then I may as well be talking to a wall! I am biding my time for the right opportunity to come up and it will. I guess I am posting here to have my head sorted for when it happens

He knows this causes me distress however again he gets in a flap and panics and does and says silly things. On reflection he is learning but it is slow and painful and I suspect there is a limit to how far he can go.

lack of communication skills I would say

I think he woan't be able to do it himslef, he would need to allow help from outside to guide him
(and I guess that has to be someone professional)

Hilda - a strange thing strikes me when I read your messages - especially the later ones. Well, two things actually.

First, if I didn't know any better it sounds as if you are talking about a child, not a man. There seems to be an adult-child paradigm going on, and when that happens, both parties have a stake in it. This is not just about him, therefore, but about you.

Second, your responses are reasoned, considered and clear. It feels - somehow - regimented; about your managing things rather than two adults dealing with emotional unknowns.

You have managed to make it all about him, in other words. And in a way that is rational and persuasive. This is just a gentle nudge from me to say that there is a sense of detachment here that doesn't speak of what's really going on. And you're part of it somehow.

Basically, you want him to stop having tantrums. He is not prepared to do anything that involves helping him to stop having tantrums.
So you either accept the intermittent tantrums, or you chuck him out.
You can't make a person change when that person doesn't want to.

I agree re adult - child paradigm conflugen. What can I do other than disengage when it moves over into this mode? I am certainly managing it when it kicks off, what are the alternatives?

I no doubt am a part of it, just like his ex-wife was part of the same thing/behaviour patterns. But I am buggered if I know how or what else I can do.

Sounds to me like narcissicist type behaviour-inability to accept criticism, need tp bolster self-image, refusal to consider counselling, irrational rage etc etc I'm not sure that really helps you though as such people are very difficult to get through to. I spent years trying without any success . Good luck

Hilda - Therapy?

Despite your posts, I still think he's having same sex physical relations.
This may not, to him, mean that he's gay as such, which allows him to compartmentalise so effectively. Apart from those times when the guilt and pressure of having to keep a huge secret spill out.

I don't think he's being at all honest with himself, you or anyone else.

Have you suggested couples counselling?

. . . could he be bitter that his personal life is semi gone because he is totally involved in your life, your friends etc. ???

I've read all of this and right throughout it the word 'Gay' is ringing in my ears. I think you know this as well OP. I've known someone like this and that was the issue all along. He's acting out his idea of normal in everyday life and every so often he can't do it any more. You're married, essentially, to a stranger. Counselling will solve nothing - that can only come when he acknowledges that he is not living a life which is true to himself. This will sound harsh - but I'd advise you to think about getting out now whilst you're still easily young enough to rebuild because trust me, he ain't changing any time soon.