Dad died - am I being unreasonable?

[handsoffmycake]

I will try not to ramble on here. I am very confused about things so just writing it down may make some sense of it to me. I need some other input on it.

My Dad died earlier this month. It was very upsetting as quite sudden even though his health had not been great.

My Mum and Dad split when I was little and Dad always kept in touch, taking me out when younger and ringing every week. Dad was a quiet man and we didnt chat in depth about much, just chit chat almost. Though I loved him greatly and always wanted to ask more questions I always felt a little shy.

In the last 6 years I got married and had 2 children. Dad moved 300 miles away and we kept in touch via phone but only saw each other 3 times in 5 years. Relationship still the same. Dad never spoke much about his life in his new town but I knew he had made friends and was happy.

When I travelled down for funeral, in his flat he had a picture of a girl (well she is 24. I am 26.) on his dresser and I didnt know her. It was pride of place. My brother told me she was a close friend, that this girl and her Mum were good friends of Dad and he spent a lot of time with them. Apparently he had helped this girl as she has anerexia and they were inseperable. Dad never mentioned her to me.

At the funeral this girl was very upset and crying throughout and I felt a bit numb. I guess I was shocked that he had been so close to someone and not told me. Do you think this was to save my feelings as I was so far away and missed him?

I befriended her and her Mum on Facebook (yes evil facebook) as her Mum was very chatty with me and kind. The girl sent me a msg which upset me lots. I am not sure why but I feel so upset that she spent so much time with my Dad and I feel I have been downgraded in some way. Is this really unreasonable? I dont know.

I will paste msg here. Please tell me if I am being silly. My DH says she was insensitive towards the end of the msg and I should defriend her.

"Hope you are okay? was nice to meet you on monday even if it wasn't in the best situation. Your Dad spoke of you often and cared for you a lot. he was always showing me pictures of your children. he brought so much to my life, I can't begin to describe how much he has helped me. I've never known a man so thoughtful, caring, and understanding. Im glad that the last time we spent togeather was boxing day where we had our own little christmas togeather and he told me how much he loved me.

take care. any time you want to talk I am here.

Is it just jealousy on my part? I miss him so much.

i think you are being jealous yes, you are also grieving

I think what she wrote was lovely.

The bit about Boxing Day is a bit unnecessary, but she is grieving too.

It is entirely understandable that you feel jealous and pushed out by this.

Don't unfriend her yet. She's offering you a continued connection to your Dad. As your grief subsides you could come to really value your relationship with her.

The thing to concentrate on in her message is that your Dad, for all he was taciturn, was proud of you and your children and vocal about how much he loved you.

:( I'm so sorry for your loss

I'm so sorry for your loss hands.
Yes, I do think it is jealousy but I completely understand why.
You are grieving, and so is she, and that last sentence in her message sounds like her thoughts spilling out. Whatever she was to your dad, it seems that did care for her. But it sounds like he missed you being so far away and was proud of you.

Thanks for the replies. I feel awful that I feel this way. I am grieving and I think with time this relationship he had with her wont bother me. Its just it is so raw right now and I miss him. Thanks for being so kind everyone.

It is only natural to feel jealous, you didn't have the relationship that you wanted and it is too late now to get closer. I think that you can take comfort from the fact that he also loved you, but circumstances stopped him having the sort of relationship he would have liked with you.
You are grieving, she is grieving so I wouldn't cut contact. Love for one person doesn't take it from another. Sorry for your loss.

It is understandable that you are so upset, but she did not take the place of you in his heart.

I think she is just, clumsily, trying to tell you that she thought your dad was a wonderful man, and that she is glad he was in her life, and that despite the fact that you were far away he thought of you often.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Do you think she added the bit about boxing day to make you feel better too? That although you were far away your dad wasn't alone? Could she be extending some comfort to you at a time when you are both grieving? Yes, he was your dad but it also sounds as though he and she meant a lot to each other, that does not have to take anything away from your relationship with your dad.

I think you are feeling jealous but understandably so, your grief is still raw.

Nobody can take away the fact that he was your dad, cherish your own memories of him and only continue to speak with the girl he was friends with if and when you are able to cope with the fact that they shared memories too, imo this is too much too soon but you may draw comfort from it in the future.

Thanks again for replies.

I think she is a very nice girl and I am just a bit gutted that she had the time with him that I wanted. Its not her fault and I have been as friendly as possible with her as I know she must be feeling very similar to me.

I thought I was starting to feel I was coming to terms with Dads loss when suddenly I find he had spent all this time with someone else and I so wanted that time.
I really needed that time.

And now I know only time will soften these feelings.

Thanks so much for all of your comments. A great help to me.