Backstory here:
H makes a good salary, great against national average, not amazing against salaries where we live and in the industry he's in. But a good salary.
We have three DCs, 2 school age and 1 pre-school. The youngest is disabled and I am caring for him full-time.
DH is a bit... 'unconcerned' about money. He always had plenty as a single guy, then he moved in with me and DS1 and paid the rent but still had plenty (I was earning too and we'd been doing fine beforehand so his salary was 'extra' money). He bought a property at the height of the market on some bad advice (buy to let sort of thing); we had a terrible time last year including H thinking he might have to go bankrupt (a property gamble), which meant we had to reassess our finances totally and some stuff came out which shocked me a bit. He gave me access to his accounts and I found out some stuff which alarmed me.
Like a bill for a storage locker, regular outgoing - total of SEVEN GRAND to store three whiteboards and some boxes of his long-ago ex's stuff (she went back to her home country and he 'forgot' about the locker etc).
His card was cloned and he didn't claim back all the fraudulent transactions because he 'didn't look back far enough'. This was years ago, discovered it while going through old statements chasing some savings.
The rent from the tenants in his property covered the outgoings, he was always very clear on that (and said it was the one good thing about rubbish interest rates), he always cited that as a reason not to sell the property (we can't buy a place for ourselves until we get rid of it, we'd make a small loss if we sold now), but I recently did some sums on a whim and no. Their rent covers the mortgage not the service charges or other fees; there's actually a £700pcm shortfall.
I'm a SAHM now through choice (mostly to do with DC3's issues), and just lost my last source of independent income. We're okay - sort of stuck here as we can't afford to move, can't consider fee-paying school for the DCs to avoid the terrible comp, but okay. But I hadn't realised how much of DH's salary was getting frittered away.
He won't do anything about organising money for me, either. At the moment I buy most stuff on his credit card, that includes food, stuff for the kids, stuff for the house and stuff just for me. I want 'my' money to be more clearly deliniated as I feel weird/guilty about buying stuff for myself on H's credit card and he does make comments about it and I find myself justifying everything. We don't have/want a joint account in case the financial issue from last year returns to bite us.
We talked and talked about what a reasonable amount for me to have 'just for me' was a month and came up with a figure he grudgingly agreed to (less than I spend on me a month currently), but he won't set up a standing order or anything.
ANYWAY. My lies.
When we were going through our finances thinking H might have to go bankrupt, I did not remind him about £15k I have in NI bonds in my name. I told him about them at the time (a gift from my granddad before he passed away), and have mentioned them since but not recently and not since the financial problems. I didn't want to give the money to H and have it vanish into his bankruptcy, which seems reasonable enough to me, but I didn't tell him about it at all.
And this week, a friend of mine I gave £3k to some years ago (long story but it represented an investment in her business which then folded, she's always felt awful about it), contacted me after her father passed away saying she wanted to repay me out of the estate. I didn't tell H about that either though I did tell him her father had died.
This is awful, isn't it.
I brought up the shortfall between what his property is costing and what he's getting back from the tenants today and he as good as put his hands over his ears and said la la la. He doesn't want to sell, fine, but he won't consider doing anything which could increase the rent either.
His salary doesn't stretch so far now there are five of us to one income and I feel guilty and conflicted and upset that I've lost my financial independence and angry and all sorts.
But I am lying to DH and I don't know what to do about that? Lying about money is one of the big warning signs of doom, isn't it?