Don't know how to help my SIL !!

[hilltop666]

Basically my BIL is a horrible person and an even more horrible husband, hes my DH's brother and they couldn't more more different.I'm really worried about his wife who is a wonderful person and a good friend of mine,he treats her like shit but only behind closed doors and everyone else thinks hes great, basically heres the story:

-they have 3 children and he does as little as possible for them
-he constantly calls her fat (shes a size 10) she's been going to weight watchers for a yr and a half (since she had her last child) and she is actually afraid to eat sometimes
-he makes her think she is stupid, and discounts everything she says
-shes not allowed to speak to him in front of other people, excluding me and my DH
-he over-rules her when she corrects the kids- hence they have no respect for her and the older 2 have started hitting and kicking her
-the youngest one's temper is shocking and i think its a result of the fighting she has experienced in her short life

• he gives her no money and she doesn't work so lives off tax credits and child allowance and can hardly afford to buy herself clothes while he stashes his money away from her

-they only married her cos they had a kid together and he wanted to keep up appearances and she paid for most of wedding and even bought her own engagement ring cos he wouldn't buy her one!

Things just keep getting worse, she confides in me and i just want to scream "leave him" but i know she never will as she too proud and still loves him and forgets all about the bad stuff when he does something 'nice' like putting his kids to bed. I don't think she realises how bad things are as this is her only relationship but i can just see her personality changing from wk to wk and im really worried about her- my DH knows wat he is like but feels its not his place to interfere and his brother is the golden child in the family and i think deep down he thinks his parents would take his brothers side if there was a fall out between them over it.

I just don't know wat to do as i see my friend getting more and more beat down and 3 beautiful children turning into absolute shits (i know its not their fault)

Just needed a rant!!!

Your poor SIL. Her life sounds awful.
Whatever you do, it can only be her decision to change her life.
If you get the opportunity to talk to her in private you could suggest she gets some support eg gp, WA, DV helpline, CAB to explore her options. Or/and you could suggest some reading eg the Li(u?)ndy Bancroft book. Or posting on here.
Hopefully your kindness and support will remind her that she deserves to be treated decently and question what's going on in her marriage.

I wish I could say some thing that would help!
My best friend was in an emotionally abusive relationship for years, thankfully they didn't have children. I kept telling her to leave and she would for a day or two but would then always go back. I felt so helpless but then one day it just seemed like a light bulb switched on in her head and she left him, that was 4 years ago and she hasn't looked back. Having talked to her after this she told me that nothing anyone did or said made any difference, sadly it may be that you can't help her if she doesn't want the help/doesn't realise how much she needs help. What an awful situation, especially with children involved.
Sorry I wasn't any help!

Yeah i think i know deep down that nothing i ever say will prompt her into doing anything and it needs to be her own decision- but i know she will never do anything, i dread to think wat state she will be in 10 yrs time! its also an awkward situation as she lives next door to our MIL - so if she ever kicked him out (even for a while to wise him up) he'd be living next door to her and that would be so messed up for her and the kids!