I have just been sucked dry (again!) by narcissistic ex

[kingazanzi]

I have been bleed dry again simply by not watching my back (how exhausting) I have feed him his supply without me knowingly doing so.

I can never get rid of him, can I? we have a child (11)who he obsesses about and MUST see him everyday (to control me I suspect.) Our paths are always crossing. I ALWAYS have to be armed and controlled. I have to be on my guard. But I am a NORMAL human being and I cannot always be on my guard. It's tiring, demoralising and frankly insane. It's been a few years since I let go of all feelings for him...I feel nothing, but ashamed to say I still feel controlled.

I have my own rented home, a job, family and friends and then I have him...constantly around causing grief in drips and drab.

I don't even know what I'm asking, just felt like posting as he has now stolen my SIM card whilst my back was turned (see, I have to be on guard ALL the time...way to live, eh?. He exchanged my SIM for another one. Just for the hell of it. Invasion of privacy of the highest order. Denies it and says i'm crazy. Hmm

Friend has just told me 'well you allowed him in your home, what do you expect? dude will never change, you know this, everyone kn ows this'. She's very right. I got to comfortable with his Mr nice guy act and wanting to play V game with his child. I always think...a couple of hours wont hurt...then this. It is my fault I know, I just forget as I have moved on.
I think I actually hate him.
Thanks for reading.

solicitor - court appt visiting times

you dont' have to have contact with this man and ou are perpetuating your own drama

Yup, court order in place ASAP, ban this man from your house. He has no right to enter your home and no right to any contact with you. Contact Women's Aid, get a solicitor involved and get set times for contact between him and DS, if he breaches these arranged times, put the phone down on him, ignore texts and emails and if he appears on the doorstep don't let him in.
THere is no point expecting reasonable behaviour from an unreasonable person, so you need to take strong legal measures against such a person: no negotiation, no argument, just cut him right off.

What they ^ said... Nothing more. Nothing less.

Just like the others have said, you are allowing him to be controlling. Stop it. It's your home, keep him out of it. If he wants to see his child, he can do so at his own home at court-appointed times.

Stop doing this to yourself. Because you are doing it to yourself. You have the power to change the situation.

Excellent advice. Please heed it.

Agree with all said above. Get court order in place.

Custardo - you're very right. I think that's why it's a bitter pill to swallow - I am perpetuating this continuous drama. I need to work on this. Fast.

SGB - I have tried to avoid this but can see if I want continuous peace for me and my child, I need to do this.

I'm always trying to avoid drama but the more I try to avoid, the more the elephant gets larger in the room.

He begs, pleads, cries, harass, that for a quiet life I give in. Kicking myself because I managed to do all SGB suggested for over a year and got sucked in again around Xmas time.
I set the rules and stuck to them even with his harassment, I never budged. Have taken myself back to square one for no reason other than stupidity.

Poor you. But you don't have to be subjected to his regime and schedule of visits.

Agree.

While you allow this man daily access to your home, nothing will change.

McHobbes - so very true. That's why it's even harder...I ALLOWED IT. How could I have been so pro active for over a year and allowed myself to go through it again? all my hard work just to fall right back in the ditch.

I know what I need to do and it starts now. As soon as I get up, the ball is rolling.

Thanks again everyone.

I do understand that it's harder for you who must have loved this total knobend once, than it is for strangers to go 'Tell him to go and fuck himself with a shitty stick, I would...' He has done a lot of work on you. Abusers do this. When you've been thoroughly done over by one you end up believing that they have superpowers and nothing will stop them plagueing you.
It's not true. They are just inadequate, unpleasant people who can be kicked in the nuts by a copper and hauled off to the cells if they won't fuck off and leave you alone.
Keep on posting for good advice and moral support. You believed he had turned into a reasonable human being because you wanted to believe that; you loved him once and he provided half the genes for your DC. Unfortunately, as you now know, he is not going to be a reasonable human being ever so treat him like a moth infestation or something, call in the professionals to get rid as much as possible.
Best of luck.

Hear, hear!

although I agree with what everyone has said, I would also add that you set up a TREMENDOUS amount of grief if you are nasty to them. nastiness is their fine point, they excel in it and their capacity for it is bottomless, literally endless. so don't get the ball rolling by being nasty. do all the above, definitely; but do it in the most reasonable way. iron fist in kid glove stuff. NEVER let him catch you getting flustered or showing any emotion at all (particularly not nastiness).

i totally understand how you have let him slither back into your life and (shudder) home. you know you done wrong, don't beat yourself up, just slip the boundaries back in place absolutely immediately. lie in an entirely reasonable, believable way. make any excuse, sound reasonable and normal. don't answer when he says you're mad, pretend you didn't hear. never let him in your home again. move if you can? at least you have some support by the sound of it - most people only see the charm of an abuser, rarely the abuse.

yes, he is using your child to get back in your orbit. he'll use anything - anything at all - to get his fix. you know that hun.

Oh there's no point in being outwardly aggressive to such a person, but a completely blank wall is what the OP needs to give him, backed up with police powers if necessary.

Don't despise yourself. As a reasonable human being yourself you naturally find it hard to understand how someone can even think the way your ex does. You love your child so you quite accept that his dad can't bear to be without him, and you wouldn't be so brutal as to deprive him of precious contact. You do, in short, as you would be done by.

Unfortunately your ex takes unfair advantage of your decency. You gave him another chance and he blew it. You're not being a bitch cow from hell by now withdrawing privileges that he abuses. If you let him in your house he steals from you. So: now he doesn't come in your house. Simple and fair. It is time, as everyone has said so far, to reclaim the power as you have every right to do, to protect yourself and yes, your DC too. Never nastily, as humanheart rightly says. Never vindictively. But coolly, firmly and reasonably, to the extent necessary.

Hi

Just a quick update. Spoke to my phone provider (not able to do so yesterday as their CS line had closed) and actually my SIM had not been stolen and nothing wrong with it. It's my actual handset. I feel really stupid BUT these are the kind of things he used to do and I just reacted because I cannot trust him as he will always be who he is.
The situation has shown me that I cannot be around someone I do not trust and I will be following SGB's advice. I just want to get back to how I was leaving when I had all that in place.

I can't name every single individual but thank you so much to all of you taking the time to give me sound advice. It means a lot. Mumsnet was my first port of call because I know you ladies are so helpful.

As soon as I get into work tomorrow, I will get in touch with solicitor to get the ball rolling.

Again, thank you so much.

sorry meant living instead of leaving. I'm a crap speller.

Have a good restful Sunday off.

It might help you to read some good books to support you in your quest to rid yourself of toxic controlling men, the most famous I think is "Women who Love too Much" by Robin Norwood.

Also lots of good supportive stuff on the internet like Lovefraud.

Be very wary and watchfull of how he interacts with your son who is now at a vulnerable age, and the teenage ones on the way!

All the best!

I have managed to successfully distance myself from my narcissistic ExP, but it's taken a lot of hard work and research into how they 'tick'.

I now approach things from a very assertive, business-like stance and refuse to be sucked into his obsession and manipulation.

The advice you've been given above is great and you can take positive steps to reclaim your life.

Try reading some stuff by Lundy Bancroft about abusive men.

Good luck with contacting your solicitor. Please remember that you need to be assertive with solicitors as well as they don't always do as you ask and will sometimes try and impose their will onto you. Keep it in mind what you need out of the court order and remember it's not all about him (the abuser). You have rights too.