My husband does not apologise if he breaks my thing

[Hairyjumper]

I just realised something that is bugging me.

I know it's trivial compared to much of what others are going through.

If my husband (accidentally ) breaks something of mine , he neither tells me nor apologised.

Last week I heard him drop and smash a glass. it was one of two I bought in France ( I could only afford two!)

He did not mention it

Tonight a mug my sister gave me for Christmas is lying on the counter in pieces. My young son asked who broke it ( I had not seen it at this point) and my husband , with his back to us said "me".

I know if I ask him why he did not mention the breakages , or if I gently mention any sort of an apology he will get angry and accuse me of having a go at him.

I know it is really not a big deal but I would always apologise if I broke something belonging to someone else and teach my children to do the same

Wise people please tell me your thoughts

Im concerned that you feel unable to alk to him without him getting 'angry'...?!!!

how are you sure t is accidental?

What DDF said.

what do you collect?

I would imagine that as these are household items he would see them as equally belonging to him not just yours.

Mine breaks mugs all the time- never mentions it- puts them on window sill usually. It's not a problem- accidents happen.

Well, generally, civilised people do apologise for breaking something that belongs to someone else, so he's at the very least being rude and inconsiderate.
However, it's also a bit odd that your broken mug is 'lying on the counter in pieces'. The other thing a person generally does after breaking something is, erm, clear up the mess.

Do these breakages of things which you value, erm, just coincidentally, tend to happen shortly after you have disagreed with your H or denied him something?

HF, I hope so!

Change, . I agree most household items are just that, and not worth mentioning. But the ones I mentioned were not really ordinary household items , but things of sentimental value to me but not to him.

dropdead,and freudianslippery, yes the anger bit is not good. He would make out I was making a fuss about nothing or maybe say sarcastically " I had no idea you cared so much about a GLASS" or "do you enjoy making me feel bad about myself?"

SGB I don't think there is a connection really but will look out for it!

SEA I don't collect anything

HJ: does ordinary household stuff get broken a lot as well? Basically, is he just fucking clumsy and therefore so used to breaking stuff that he doesn't bother about it?

Again, if it's only items that are of sentimental value to you, then that would be a bit of an alarm bell.

agree with SGB.

thanks.
No he is not generally clumsy.

The last week has seen a very unusual number of sentimental breakages! (2)

It's not exactly a common occurrence

.Just seems very odd not to aplologise but I can't put my finger on why - obviously it's plain rude but it seems somehow more than just that. SOrt of nasty, goading.

" I broke some items I know are special to you but I will just ignore it and see if you pick me up on it'

I think he maybe wants me to ask him so he can be angry at me and claim I am having a go.

I know this all sounds odd, thanks for sticking this far..

It doesn't sound odd to me, all too familiar actually.

My ex would never apologise and would tell me I was obsessed with "things". Almost as if breaking my stuff, and then being not sorry and really casual about it was a way of letting me know how unimportant me and everything about me was. He was nasty in a lot of other ways too and I often felt like he didn't like ne at all. Think he wanted me to feel like that tbh.

Not with him anymore.

what's his behaviour like otherwise, HJ? Because 'nasty, goading' is not exactly normal or acceptable behaviour from someone who is supposed to love you, is it?
Can you think of anything that might have triggered such behaviour in him recently? (I am not saying this to excuse him, more to help you get a clearer picture of what's going on). Have you had a disagreement about something that was either unresolved or ended up with you getting what you wanted and him having to concede something?

What is he like in other ways?

I also agree with SGB, it does seem VERY odd that he only seems to be breaking YOUR things, and he then goes on to insult you because you ask him how your items have been broken.

Honestly, if I were you I would be looking up the warning signs of an abusive relationship. Abuse doesn't have to be physical, my ex was emotionally cruel to me and he too seemed to break things 'accidently' but it was only my things he destroyed.

Don't let anyone grind you down!

SGB the only thing going on is my wonderful mum was diagnosed with incurable brain cancer very recently so I have been very sad and not really "present".

SGB and FS, otherwise he has always been pretty grumpy and the relationship has its problems(and I htink mum's cancer may have a big impact on the future of me and `DH )
but I have always expected courtesy as an absolute given in ANY relationship with anyone if it is to continue.

MUG update!! Rather than asking why no apology was forthcoming I asked f there was any particular reason he was saving the broken fragments.

He said " So I can replace it" , in a somewhat grumpy fashion.

This sort of sums him up actually - kind but socially inept towards me sometimes

SPM I just saw your post and thank you

I'd also start putting away the stuff that is important to me .

Put out some things that aren't important, make out they are precious and see what happens.

I'd pull him up on it gently at first with an, "Oh, I really liked that vase. What a pity." and then if it keeps happening, I'd just icily say, "Please don't touch my things any more."

Don't get drawn into a drama. Because if he is doing it on purpose then it's very weird.

How ill mannered.

I couldn't care less if my husband broke something like an Ikea wineglas, but if,as you say, it was something special to you, I owuld expect some very sincere apologies.

I'm very sorry about your mum.

People are very very different re how they view objects - I'm not a sentimental person generally, but I can be about things - mugs, ornaments etc. I know DH thinks this is all a bit precious, but he accepts it and treats those things with a degree of care. To him things are just things. The fact your DH knew those things were sentimental to you and didn't apologise is shit, really.

Does he come from a family where breaking things was met with hysterical fury by his parents? If so, maybe he's still got a bit of a hang up about it? I know that my mother and my aunt get hysterical about breaking things, my mother hides it and doesn't tell me if she breaks anything of mine (which is a mite irritating if I'm looking for it ) and my aunt apologises desperately with tears in her eyes as if breaking a cup is on a par with accidentally dropping the baby on its head. I think that is because they came from a v. poor household where it was a really big deal if you broke a bowl as they couldn't afford to replace it and that coupled with habitual violence, meant breaking things was a terrifying ordeal which they have never quite got over.

Could your DH be suffering the same hang ups? Maybe breaking things conjures up really bad feelings of fear in him?

HerBex, thanks, but his family are not like that at all.
To all, I don't think he is doing it on purpose. Just rude and somehow aggressive not to offer a simple apology, just as we expect our children to if they break something.

I would have not made the slightest fuss , accidents do happen

oh well he's just a rude bastard then...

I would just point out that you can't expect your DC's to apologise for stuff, if the adults don't. They learn from what we do, not from what we say...

But she said an expensive 1 of a kind glass that he did not buy.

I'm pretty sure I have the same issue as you. I wonder if this has been cleared up. I've been married for 13 years and he has been breaking all kinds of things. It's really annoying and the catch is if I say anything to him about it, he acts condescending or oblivious. Nothing sincere comes out his mouth.
Expample: Have you seen my flower pot?No
I know it was right here.
May be you put it in the back.
No, i know where it was. ( Then I go to throw something away and it's right there.)
Smdh
He makes it seem like it's my fault, or will even try to pass the blame to his own children. It has to be a deep seeded lack of home traing and social skills. I hide my things and lock them up if there really important or sentimental.