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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My "h" walked out last night

23 replies

NotNeeemo · 22/01/2011 22:17

He suffers from depression but has decided to stop taking medicine, the last week he has been horrible to be around.

He often gets angry with one family member(usually me) this time it's my son he is 18 and can't seem to do anything right he a good boy has great job looks after himself but H gets angry with him for slightest thing:(

Not sure why amI posting just feel very upset and unhappy(sad)

OP posts:

Original poster

NotNeeemo · 22/01/2011 22:26

Sorry grammar and spelling terrible:(

OP posts:

SlightlyJaded · 22/01/2011 23:21

Has he done this before?

Stopped taking meds? Walked out?

Did something trigger it?

Sorry to hear what you are going through OP, sounds tough

atswimtwolengths · 22/01/2011 23:33

Your son deserves to be able to live in peace in his own home.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but it is better your husband has gone than he stays to harass you and your son.

You will feel relief very soon, believe me.

walkinZombie · 22/01/2011 23:35

Im very sorry to hear this
must be hard ur being very strong.

has he done this before|?

MadAboutQuavers · 22/01/2011 23:45

What atswim said

If he's stopped taking his meds he could get a lot more abusive and bullying, take it from one who knows

At least you'll get some relief from the constant dread and strain

Do you want him back? Think very carefully before you answer...

babybear1983 · 23/01/2011 00:15

Can I ask why did he stop taking his meds?

Original poster

NotNeeemo · 23/01/2011 07:17

He felt he no longer needed them he just stopped taking them.

He turns into a different person very angry and paranoid, I know that my son can be deliberately awkward towards him but feel that H should just ignore him not get drawn into childish games:(.

He has gone off in moody tantrums before but this time he said he his not coming back not sure he means it though think he will come back on Monday and act like everything is ok.

Sorry if I am not making sense but it's all making me feel tired and upset:(

Thanks for all the replies.

OP posts:

ginmakesitallok · 23/01/2011 07:20

Just ot add that your son is 18 - he is not a child and he has to learn the consequences of "being deliberately awkward" - He has to understnad that your H is ill.

purplepidjin · 23/01/2011 07:24

Unfortunately, he won't accept help until he's ready. Perhaps he has gone off because part of him "knows" he shouldn't be like this with you?

I think all you can do is be supportive. DP and I are working on strategies for him to follow when I go into meltdown (mine are hysterical crying for no apparent reason) which include just allowing me to get it out of my system. Which may be what he's doing - but he's taken himself away, feeling it to be the best option for all of you.

I would imagine he'll come waltzing in in a few days like nothing ever happened. Can you contact him by text, or through another family member or friend to reassure yourself?

thumbdabwitch · 23/01/2011 07:29

I had a friend like this - he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and put on lithium but after a while he felt better so decided he didn't need the lithium any more and stopped it...
failing completely to realise/understand that the lithium was doing its job by making him feel better. So he got worse again, and it resulted in the end of his marriage. He started taking the meds again but he doesn't like having to take them so will periodically go off them.
It's not a good pattern - he needs to accept that he needs to be on them full time to stay well, and I guess your H does too.

Not sure how you get that through to them though!

Original poster

NotNeeemo · 23/01/2011 07:59

It's a very difficult illness to live with and I have explained to my son that he needs to stop winding H up because he is not well, to be fair they both have silly banter between them but now H not finding it funny he is getting very angry with my son to the point that we are all walking on eggshells because we don't know what mood he is in.

He will not reply to texts or calls he has said that he will not be back and does not want to see our other children, although he only taken a few things with him.

It's a big mess
Thanks for replies

OP posts:

thumbdabwitch · 23/01/2011 08:44

Are you at all concerned for his safety? If you are, you could report him as a missing person if you think that's appropriate.

askingquestions · 23/01/2011 09:00

I have name-changed for this thread.

My sister has been ill for almost 15 years (most of her adult life) she periodically stops taking her meds and I know her DH is at his wits end with her doing this.

It seems to be a symptom of her condition, as the meds kick in, she thinks she is 'cured', so stops them.

She has alienated most of the rest of the family (me included) with her actions, all we can do is sit on the touchline and wait for the next 'crisis' to happen. (and it does..there's a distinct pattern)

What I'm trying to say to the OP is perhaps you need to be as selfish as the illness makes your OH?

And do you get any support for you and your son? 18yr olds do snipe at parents, they do say daft things....but most have a parent who will either verbally cuff them around the ear or give as good back.

I'm probably not making much sense here, but I couldn't read your post and run.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 23/01/2011 09:04

I am so sorry Nemo...you must be feeling awful right now. Do you have anyone who will be able to come and be with you?

A sister, or friend?

Original poster

NotNeeemo · 23/01/2011 09:12

He thinks he is fine and can't see that he really isn't, am not worried about his safety,as he has done this before and I used to phone and text constantly and he liked the fact that I was running after him.

The DC's think he is on a night out and has stayed with a friend overnight, it's a very difficult situation to be in and I don't think it's fair of him to stop taking meds and then make us all feel uncomfortable in our home.

Sorry to go on but it is a difficult situation and one that keeps on going round in circles and I see no end to it:(

OP posts:

Original poster

NotNeeemo · 23/01/2011 09:15

Am not going to tell anybody at the moment because as I said it has happened before and I will feel embarrassed because he will come back and pretend all is fine.

OP posts:

WimpleOfTheBallet · 23/01/2011 09:45

I don't think it's fair for him to keep coming back and leaving...it's making you unhappy.

Can you ssee your GP for advice?

MadAboutQuavers · 23/01/2011 12:23

This is a horrible situation you're in Neemo.

I'm afraid there's little that you, or anyone else can do if he decides to stop taking his meds. Unless he's sectioned, he doesn't have to keep taking them on anyone's say-so. I'm sure you already know this Neemo.

You really only have two choices.

Put up with the continued abusive behaviour and the walking on egg-shells. If he keeps having periods where he's not taking meds, the effect of this can be cumulative, and his condition can worsen to the point where he develops full blown psychosis or schizophrenic symptoms. Trying to get him back on meds at that point will be nearly impossible without medical intervention.

You can leave him. Refuse to let him back in the house, and tell him he needs help but is no longer your responsibility.

Number 2 might seem harsh, but it may be the only way he will see that he cannot allow himself to deteriorate like this, just because he thinks you and your DS will always be there as an emotional punch-bag, ready to soak up his own fears and frustrations.

I hope for your sake that you're not around to be victim to the fallout from living with someone who subjects you to number 1 scenario.

Don't contact him anymore. Leave him alone. He will undoubtedly come back when his current mood wears off, or when he feels lonely or scared enough to come back. At this point you then have a decision to make as to whether you allow him back or not.

You are enabling him to treat you this way though, and even through his illness he will know this - that there are no consequences for his actions regardless of what he does to you.

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 23/01/2011 14:10

FWIW I agree with MadAboutQuavers second suggestion. As long as you continue to enable him to behave the way he currently he there it no reason for him to change. However, if you stop enabling him then it might just provide him with the kick up the arse he needs to take responsibility for himself and his actions.

Original poster

NotNeeemo · 23/01/2011 19:49

It's so hard to not enable the behaviour,I work from home and need to be happy and worry free his moods can make this very difficult.

Thanks for replies

OP posts:

Slambang · 23/01/2011 20:01

I've been there too with my dh. For us what worked was my ultimatum to dh and booking him a GP appoinment. 'Either you go to the appointment and tell the GP what's going on or our marriage cannot continue like this.' Thank god it worked and he opened up to the gp.

When dh was depressed, he too was especially irritated by ds1. It was almost like an alpha male competitive thing - completely pathetic really. Dh got furious when ds answered back or didn't do what he was told instantly. The ads have helped enormously, saved our marriage and got dh and ds1 back to a close, loving relationship. If you can persuade your dh to take the ads again you might be able to sort things. Good luck.

thumbdabwitch · 25/01/2011 15:26

Neeemo - is he back yet? What happened?

MadAboutQuavers · 25/01/2011 23:44

Hoping you're ok, Neemo

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