Looks like the end of the road for my mum and stepdad ...

[theboobmeister]

They are in their late 50s ... he's had lots of problems with depression in recent years, and seems to have come to a resolution of his problems by blaming literally everything on her. Of course it isn't her fault - my lovely, kind, unselfish mum. After 35 years together, it really does look like the end of the road

Anyone else been here?

Sorry, after a few glasses of wine that wasn't entirely clear. I mean, looks like they are going to get divorced. Wondering if anyone else has had their parents get divorced at this stage in life.

Do you think it is the depression talking? Sorry if that's a stupid question...

Yes, almost certainly the depression talking, but he refuses point blank to acknowledge it. He/they did go through treatment/counselling etc a few years ago so guess he has decided that it didn't work and that blaming my mum is just a lot easier..

Your poor mum.

That is very weak of him, but I don't want to judge...maybe he'll realise he's made an awful mistake one day and leaving your mum hasn't solved his problems.

Thanks WherecanIhide.

My mum and stepfather split up after 20 years together. I'm so sorry; I know it is a very hard time for everyone. I was in my early thirties and the only support for both of them. I don't know what your position is, but I'd recommend making sure that you have some support for YOU during this time.

Thanks ... it is strange, makes you suddenly feel very old as the 'grown-ups' all fall to pieces around you!

I am very worried about what will become of them both ... must be hard re-building at that age? Any thoughts/experiences??

Sorry - haven't been on for a few days.

All you can really do is be there as a loving support for them. They have to work through it in the way that makes sense to them. My mother took a lot longer to get to a point where she could say she was moving forward - I'm talking three/four years. My stepfather seemed to recover much more quickly. However, he has just put all his feelings in a box and closed the lid, whereas my mother has worked through her emotions. I think that at this point, she is a lot happier than he.

All I would say is that you should remember that you cannot make either of them happy - there is no magic phrase you can utter that will make it all ok, and it's not your job to try to find one. What they will both appreciate is you being there to listen and show that you love them.

My mother felt great when she first left - delighted to have her own space and be independent again. That said, she also has felt loneliness and in weaker moments wanted to go back to how it was, to be in a familiar situation. Better the devil you know, I guess.

And I reiterate - make sure that you have somewhere to turn for support, whether that's a friend or a counsellor through your GP or whatever. If you don't need it, that's great, but make sure you have something in place for if you should need it, because you may well have feelings about what is happening that you need to talk about too.