I am in pieces..I need to get a grip..

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Hi. I am sat here crying and not sure where to go from here. Just had another very loud and nasty row with OH over something ridiculously pathetic. I cannot cope with this anymore. I am not well, I need to have some major surgery in the next few months. I probably should have had it before now, but to be honest have been putting it off because a) I am scared b) I didn't know how I would cope with work/kids/home/family whilst I got over it and c) I couldn't face it. Unfortunately this has now come back on me and it has got to the stage that I am in pain 90% of the time. I need to take lots of painkillers and when they wear off, it hurts.. I am up and down all night not feeling well and every morning of every day is started by an hour of so of pain and feeling sick and shaking until I can get the painkillers to work enough, to be able to function to get DC off to school and myself off to work.

This week I had to have a not very nice treatement (to temporarily keep me going until the op), and have felt even worse all week as the side effect of that. I am now so low and so miserable that I said to OH maybe I needed to get some antidepressents or something to help me cope for the next few months.. he said "No, it's just because I am not well and it will get better when I am". When I have to go for treatments/appointments I go on my own because he is working. He does pick up DC for me from childminder as I am not able to get back home in time and helps that way, but I feel so lonely when I am there as other people there always seem to have family with them. I had to have a medical test a couple of weeks back and as usual drove myself there (over an hour) and after the test I felt so sick and dizzy, I ended up sitting for an hour in the hospital before I could even attempt to drive home. I phoned DH to say I would be even later and why, and he said "Oh, ok, well I'll see you when you are ready... don't worry I have the kids" - he didn't even offer to come and get me. I know that would have been impractical (car stuck an hour away) but I just wanted the offer.

I am so tired and run down, my moods are all over the place, I am sure I am not much fun to be with and I know that I need to just shut up and get on with it but I don't know how much more I can take.. when the pain is really bad, I just want to die. I feel like a freak, I feel so useless and ugly and pathetic. He says himself that he can't deal with emotions and I am a bag of emotions right now. It's silly, I am so afraid of this op because I might die and I don't want to leave DC, but at the same time when the pain is so bad I am curled up crying and shaking I just want to die and I don't care if I leave DC.. that is me such a bad, bad mother. I am such a failure.. other people get ill and they cope with it... why am I not coping..... I am such a failure...

My Mum was always ill (she is dead now) and I was never allowed to be, I was ignored when I was ill, so perhaps I am expecting attention now? The doctors tell me that I am at the extreme with my condition, my GP said he has never seen anyone tolerate it as long as I have without getting the surgery, so I think on one hand that maybe I have a right to be upset, but on the other hand I really just need to shut up and get a grip and get on with it.

My Dad is coming over today, he doesn't understand - and doesn't do illness. He invited himself.. I think he is lonely.. so I don't want to tell him not to come. DH said if I am going to be like I am today then he would phone my Dad and tell him not to come over. That would punish my Dad because I am not coping. I have told him not to and to stop trying to use my Dad to hurt me.

DH said he is not happy in this marriage and we need to talk, I said can we leave it until a few months, until I have got through the surgery.. I can't cope with anymore right now. I hate this but I can't cope, I am such a failure, I should be ok to cope. I have coped with this for 10 years, but as it has got worse and worse I can't cope. I hate myself, I need to shut up and cope with this. There are jobs to do, the house needs cleaning before Dad gets here... I need to get up and do something. I seem to sit here crying and for some reason that I don't get I keep saying to myself "I want my Mum, I want my Mum" - DEAD for goodness sake.. how she help - why am I doing that, she was always up and down herself when she was here anyway and hated me a lot of the time, but occasionally she was nice to me and right now I want her or my Gran (also Dead) to cuddle me and get my head straight..when I was at the hospital last time I went in the chapel there and just cried and cried because I miss my Gran so much - how pathetic is that I am a grown woman and I am sobbing over someone who has been gone nearly 20 years...

Sorry this is long and I am waffling. I don't know what I expect anyone to say. I am just so miserable but I have no choice but to go forward and get through this, the other option is that I will die. I am to blame, I should have made a fuss years ago and got the surgery then, but I didn't. I was taught to shut up and get on with things, not to make a fuss. If I had kept quiet I would be dead by now, maybe that would have been better because then I wouldn't have been such an inconvenience to everyone being the way I am, they deserve better than this.

Pain can do absolutely AWFUL things to your mind. I speak from limited but horrid experience.

I think if you can possibly try to get through the next few months with your OH and once the physical problem is sorted, talk again - you might well have an entirely different perspective.

I am so, so sorry you are going through this - I have to go in a min and sorry I'm not more help, but I recognised the desperation in your post and wanted to reassure you that a lot of it may be coming from being in agony.

Thinking of you xx

What is your condition, OP?

:( I'm not very good with words but if you feel you need to go on Anti-d's then please go to the doctors before things get worse

It's not silly at all to cry after loved ones no matter how many years have passed. My nan died 14 yrs ago and I still cry for her.

((hugs)) from me too. Please go to your gp

I am reading this thinking - it's the pain, it's your condition. Illness invaded everything. Constant pain is horrendous, it's debilitating. It ruins everything.

You have to talk to your Dr. Print off your post on here and just give it to them to read. No more pretending you are coping. I think you have to have the Op from reading this. It's scary but think positive. Think of how your family unit may be happier?

Pain and illness are very hard on the person ill and also those who love you. Can they get some support too? They also miss the old you - before all this pain.

To the Drs please. And have the anti-b's if you wish to. But I think you need to talk more on this Op.

I am so sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time OP. From what you've said, there seem to be a few issues running at the same time re: your illness, your mum's illness, your marriage. That's a lot to be coping with all at once, particularly as you sound to be in extreme pain a lot of the time. I think anti-depressants may be an idea but they take a while to kick in and will probably not be fully functioning until after the surgery. However, hurt feelings/mind can also magnify pain and it would be an idea to get your mind - brain chemicals - stabilised. I do think though that you need someone to talk to who is in your corner and is not personally involved in your life ie a counsellor/therapist. the things you are saying - I'm useless, I should be better at this, people would be better off without me - are classic depression statements (not surprising with all you're facing). Your GP should be able to point you to someone who specialises in counselling people who are in pain - as pain can seriously distort your thinking and emotions, as Evelyn said. It sounds like there is a lot of residue from your upbringing that is battling for space as you're struggling with your own illness, plus you are not feeling supported in your marriage - that could be for a number of reasons and a counsellor will help you unpick it all whilst carefully supporting you along the way. I do feel for you, you do sound very low, bless you - go easy on yourself hun. I hope the surgery is soon and successful and that will be one huge thing off your list so to speak. btw I don't think it is at all 'pathetic' to be wanting your mum and your gran at this very difficult time in your life. Grief never really goes away, and wanting your mum just shows how raw and lost you are feeling. (lots of hugs)

Ask for help, professional help, this is simply too much for you to cope with by yourself.
YOur H sounds a bit useless but then again living with someone who is in constant pain and constantly unhappy can be very hard work and even the nicest person can end up getting a bit snappy and irritable after a while. Please do go to your GP, there is no need to suffer all this by yourself.

what stuffing said.

Really good advice!