violence

[caipirinha]

I have been horribly violent to my husband, when he had an affair. He has been violent back. I know what the general consensus will be, I don't know why I need to ask. I really was terrible, but it still isn't acceptable for him to hit me is it? why did he have an affair? I want him to leave, but we live in a different country and it really is very difficult.

It acceptable for him to hit you no. It's also not acceptable for you to hit him either. Violence isn't going to change the fact he cheated on you.

Are there children involved? If so for their sakes you should leave. They shouldn't have to witness their parents being violent to each other

*Its not acceptable for him to hit you no

It isn't acceptable for either of you to hit each other. Perhaps it has now just spiralled into a destructive pattern of hatred.

You have no respect for each other and shouldn't be together. It sounds like you both need some kind of urgent anger management counselling.

Please tell me there aren't children observing this and trying to lead their lives?

What would the impact of separating in another country be for you both?

no, I know it isn't acceptable to hit him, but I am 5 foot nothing and him over 6 feet and muscular. I hit him out of sheer frustration, he had an affair when we had everything going for us. why? we have babies, I know it is wrong, but they are tiny and don't witness anything. but I know the atmosphere is bad, even for tiny children. :( I don't know how to leave here. It isn't as easy as being home. I have no support network.

can you come home?

Where are you?

I have nothing to come home to. He made me sell everything; my home, car, furniture etc. I also have no close family there anyway. I have friends. but they are all over the place, I don't know where I would go

Size isn't an excuse, I have come across some small women in my time who are very strong and aggressive.
It doesn't sound like self defines but more like frustration?

Why are you unable to come home? Even for a short stay to get away from the situation? Where are your friends/ family?

Defense not defines

I am in the US. I have more family here than at home now.

Is the violence constant or just when it came out about the affairiyswim?

You need to decide what you want to happen. Do you still love him? If so then some serious counselling is needed - would he be up for that?

If you can't move on from the affair it will eat at you. Your children will grow up and see the hatred you have for him, is there no-one where you are that you can confide in?

It isn't self defense, I admit I started it, but he had an affair. I cannot believe just how angry it makes me. I am not constantly aggressive, but I am just so unhappy. I did come home, but even that is difficult. I feel like an outsider everywhere I am.

I punch him, usually about the body, he started just restraining me, but has given me black eyes twice. when he is drunk. he is quite a heavy drinker

I drink quite a bit too. I just want to numb everything.

I sound really rough and quite nasty, but to the outside world I am not like that at all. It is hard to admit to this, even in the anonymity of a forum. Thank you for listening.

I think his affair has shattered your self confidence and you are hitting him as you are angry at what he has done.

Was there any violence before the affair?

no, not on either part. I hate that he had an affair. I loved him so much and feel such a fool. everyone knew and he still watched me give up my whole life to join him.

What did he say about the affair and how does he feel now about your relationship? Was it a one night thing or was it over a few weeks/months?

I'm sorry that you are going through this.

it lasted a year, He came here 4 months before me and it continued for a while until I discovered it. he swings between remorse and seemingly not giving a shit.

I'm sorry for you being in this situation Caipirinha, it must be really frightening.

Firstly - rather than dwelling on the wrongs and rights of what did what, I think you need to look at immediate protection of yourself and your sanity. If the US is your home and where your family is, are there people/ friends you can go and stay with?

It's not acceptable that he cheated on you or hit you - but you need to remove yourself from this situation because it has broken down.

You can deal later with questions about the affair etc but clearly the two of you need space apart.

Of course it's not good that you hit him but you have to ask what drove you to it. THen deal with that.

If he doesn't give a shit at times he's probably not all that sorry. Just sorry he got caught out.

Do you want to stay with him though? I know you feel very isolated right now but leaving maybe the best option for you all in the long term.

thank you for your time and kind words.
I do keep 'running away' to stay with family and friends, here and in the UK, but coming back is hard.
I don't know if I want him stll. I was so excited about moving here but cannot believe how horribly it all turned out. you are so right. I don't have any respect for him anymore.

I really was terrible, but it still isn't acceptable for him to hit me is it?

It sounds to me like you are excusing your own violent behaviour. You shouldn't.

How violent were you to your husband? How violent was he to you? Have either of you ever been violent before?

This relationship is over, it is harming both of you. Two violent drunks in the same house is a horrible situation and very bad for the children. You're the one posting so you presumably have a little more motivation to change the situation, so the best thing you can do is start working out a practical plan for one of you to move out of the house and divide the assets.