Am I a committmentphobe?

[tiptop2]

Are there any MNers who feel like they are or might be?

I hear so much about men being afraid of commitment but not so much about women.

Reasons behind me asking is that i've been going out with a guy for about 6 months. He is so lovely, kind, considerate, good sexual chemistry blah blah. All good. But he's had to go away for a few months with work and just before he left/since he's been gone, I've only really concentrated on all the negatives things about him - mainly you would say supericial stuff - his family background, his financial status, his looks...it's embarrassing to write it down actually but in my head i'm worried he's not the one for me because he doesn't tick all the boxes I've assumed are what i want.

I;m 32 and want to have children so I really want to be a committed relationship but something stops me. This has happened before with other boyfriends around the same
time and I've always dumped them with lots of excuses as to why they aren't right.

however I think this guy could be someone really special and I don't want to break it off because of my issues but I can feel myself doing it and I'm getting really anxious because of it.

I've just read a book 'He's scared, she's scared' all about committment phobia and it was like a lightbulb went off in my head.

Is there anyone out there who's experienced similar issues and can offer advice/guidance?

Having a committed couple-relationship is not compulsory. Not wanting one does not mean there is something wrong with you.
And maybe you dumped all these men because they actually weren't right for you.

It's not impossible or morally wrong to have children without a partner: you could go for donor insemination, or you could adopt, or you could reach an agreement with a man you know and like to have children together and be co-parents but not a couple.

Basically, don't be panicked by social pressure into tying yourself into a longterm relationship with a man you are forcing yourself to 'settle for' just because he's pleasant-looking and a decent human being.

TipTop - I am 30 very soon and have thought the same about myself.

As well as trying to convince myself I just haven't met 'the one' yet (to which many people I know have rolled their eyes at, as if I'm looking for a non-existent fairy tale) I also have considered the point of view that SGB puts forward.

It's enlightening and scary at the same time.

I just don't think I could live with myself if I stayed with someone that didn't feel right for me though, someone can be great 'on paper' but I don't like the idea of that being it. Don't settle. Give it a bit longer perhaps, but I think you'll soon know if this is a relationship you want to be in.

Very often when someone tells you that you might be 'commitment-phobic' what they actually mean is 'Lower your standards, woman! You can't remain single, a woman is nothing without a man'.
WHich is bullshit. There's nothing wrong with having high standards, because the truth is that it's better to be single all your life than spend your time pandering to some man who actually isn't good enough for you.

Thank you for replying. I just think i've never really had a lonng-term relationship or been properly in love - well I have but they didnt' love me back :( so I'm starting to feel that it is something to do with me, not just my choice in men. I have suffered from low self esteem for a long time which I'm working on the whole time and feel much better about my life than I have done for a long time.

SGB - I would love to think I could have children by myself but I'm not sure I would want to do that.

I think I do need to really think about whether he is the one for me..I guess I always thought 'I would just know' as that's what my mother said about my father and they have a very strong, loving relationship so I think maybe I have high expections - but as you say, nothing wrong with that!

Your self esteem is not that low, love, if you have the strenght of character to dump a man who isn't right for you. Hold that thought.

Oh, just to elaborate, it;s not a matter of there being The One out there: anyone who wants a partner should have a reasonable pool of attractive, pleasant, decent human beings to choose from. It's a matter of not just settling for one who is OK but who has faults that you know will drive you nuts after a while.

I hadn't thought about my self esteem like that. Time will tell about whether I can put up with his faults..I guess i just want know now if he's the one/handle his faults..I think I need to breathe a bit and see what happens when he gets home.

Remember also that 6 months is fairly early on in dating terms. Most people who are intending to pursue the conventional heteromonogamy path don't tend to discuss the moving in stage till they have been together a year or so.
What are his faults, by the way? I hope he's not, for instance, intermittently violent or a cokehead or inclined to borrow lots of money off you . If it's a matter of him eating in a funny way or being fond of Star Trek then you might be able to live with that...

Being fond of Star Trek would be a prerequisite as far as I'm concerned. Mind you if he insisted on wearing Spock ears out to dinner that might be a little over-enthusiastic.

Well I suppose they aren't really faults, they are just him. He is definitely none of the above, not even a Star Trek fan! I know he'd never do anything to hurt me (well at least at this stage I do). Things like he's very careful with money, not tight, but careful. When I look at him, I don'treally fancy him but then it's a different story when we're in bed, or he's giving me a cuddle which I love. I guess I've just thought 'the one' in my little fantasy world would be different. Having said that I never considered I would need as much attentiveness/kindness/honesty in my fantasy relationship that he has shown me and I've realised I like it!

I know 6 months is early but because he's away for a few months (6 to be exact, he's in the Forces), I guess I'm starting to get anxious waiting for someone who I'm not 100% on. But then don't want to jeopardise what cold be a great relationship - I'm just not used to one.

So he's mean and not that attractive? FFS no wonder you think you could do better. You could.

well yes maybe i could..I guess I just need to start believing that I can, and will.