We've come to the end of the road and i haven't a clue what to do

[brightlightsandpromises]

So, thats it

19 years, 15 of them wonderful, 4 of them not so great but ok, but its over. Five year old DD who adores her daddy.

I dont want to go into details, i just don't want to drag it all up and defend myself, defend my DP etc. I can slate him, no one else can, i still love him.

So, what do i do - ive got nothing, and when i say nothing i mean nothing. The house is in his name, which is neither here nor there, it will have to be sold as we are already struggling to meet mortgage repayments. The thing is, we are under stress due to our/his business but i realise, that if the love was still there we would be pulling together, not scoring points and and doing out best to hurt each other. I dont want to aportion blame, it falls firmly at both our feet. Amicable split? I don't think so, its too painful, i want to lash out, i am lashing out, and im hurting him.

I've no job, nowhere to go, im looking for a job - im thinking he could maybe stay with his mum until i find a job, find a place and we sell the house. There will be no money left after the sale and debts are paid.

I know this has been coming, ive known it for a long time. I just don't know what to do. I know i have got to face this - but its like, can i hold on? When i say we had the perfect relationship i am not lying. 15 years gother and still in love. 19 years together and its not long before we hate each other.

I dont want to be alone, im scared, im 40 and fat and ugly and have nothing to offer so i know that i will be on my own. I think that i have been avoiding leaving for so long because of this reality. Can you be happy on your own? really truly happy with no one to sleep with? no one to turn to? Ive not got any friends, not friends who i can really talk to. Just those superficial freindship with people think, oh shes happygolucky brightlights.

Hey listen, I know I've not seen you, but it's irrelevant - 40 fat and ugly doesn't mena nothing to offer!! You may be overweight (but you can do something about that, PMA!) but there are a lot of other people out there who will be uglier than you :) beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that. It's not about looks, it's about your character, and just because it hasn't worked with this one partner doesn't mean there isn't another who will be more perfect for you. Trick is to lick your wounds and not go looking just yet. You're a strong woman (you've had a child!) and you can do it for her.
I know partly how you feel although we've not got to the end yet, so yes I can understand then not wanting to be on your own. But look at it positively, you've done it, draw a line and look forward to some new things in life - maybe not now, but they will come.
good luck and hugs x

thats the thing missworld - ive not "done it" yet - i can beg again

I totally understand what you mean, had a discussion/debate/row with DH this evening and I don't see any way back from it.
I'm in the same position re house. Like you we are not pulling together. This has been going on for nearly a year now. I have tried to tell him how I feel - where I think we are going wrong but I don't think he wants to see it. I think I've cried wolf so many times that he doesn't believe me. But I am at my wits end sorry to hijack your thread but it really struck a chord with me.

Have to say tho my saving grace is my friendships.Any reason they have fallen by the wayside for you? I do think you can be happy on your own. But to be honest I'm concered why you have no one else to talk to? Do you have family close by?

i cant talk to my family, im an only child and my dad is gone :( About five years ago he went

Ive got friends, just not friends i can confide in and sob into a cup of tea, i used to do that with DP

He said he is not going to come home after work tomorrow, that i am not to grovel to him to come back. To be fair, i sort of told him to go, but he took me at my word :(

But you can talk on here if it helps, or make an appointment with your doctor? You shoudn't feel isolated. I understand you don't want to get into a I did this he did that post but maybe it would help to elaborate a little so we could help you further?

i definately dont want to talk to my doctor, ive suffered from depression in the past, he says he will use that to try and get custody of DD.

going to try and talk to him now, see if we can salvage something

ok then (although I think he is talking bollocks re custody) would it be worth elaborating further on here what the situation is?
You say you sort of told him to go is that what you actually wanted? Or are you hoping that he will get a wake up call?
Sorry - I'm crap at this but I feel for you so much.

Yes you can be happy on your own.
Anyway you're not on your own are you? You've got your DD.
I know it's scary now but YOU WILL BE OK.
This is the worst bit but you will get through it. Change is scary but it's also exciting - this is when things can start to get better for you.
Be brave. Chin UP. You can do it - thousands have and lived to see much better times!

This will sound like the most predictable cliché, but how you get through this difficult next stage depends entirely on your own mental attitude.

Of course it is sad and of course you must wallow for a bit in the grief of what has been lost and what might have been BUT

You are still young and healthy and your precious daughter is the result of a long term relationship that may have reached its conclusion. You lasted longer than most marriages and you were blessed with a child that you both love. Is that so bad? Imagine one of you had just been diagnosed with a terminal illness - you would view this current situation as a walk in the park in comparison would you not? I don't say that to make light of your plight, in my own life I tend to compare any difficulties against a worse case scenario and it does put things in perspective for me.

You don't have to jump up and down for joy at the beginning of this new chapter but you must accept it. Don't resist and don't view everything as a fresh torture. If you are fat, start a new healthy lifestyle. That will take care of feeling ugly too.

You were with your partner for a long time - maybe this is your chance to discover who you really are?

Don't look at this as having to unwillingly sleeping alone - make yourself a nice girly bedroom - your sanctuary with scented candles and pink fairy lights or whatever is your thing. Make your home with your daughter a happy girly enclave where you get to make all the decisions and there are no rows (until she hits 14 anyway).

The most important thing is your daughter; she will learn a lot from you and how you behave and react to what is happening now. Try to be the woman that you would like her to remember you being when she is grown up. You can teach her how to be independent, brave and strong (as opposed to taking to the drink or being bitter or being dependant on being part of a couple to make you happy - not suggesting you would do any of these obv)

Try not to let the relationship with your DP/exDP sour too much - you are tied to him for life now and your little girl will be so much happier if you can agree to get on and put her first. I know how hard it will be to maintain a civil relationship but you must for her sake.

Go and see your doctor!

Depression, current of past is NOT a reaso to remove custody of a child.

So many men use this against women and it is fucking disgusting that so many believe it.

I agree with going to see you doctor. Having depression does not make you any less a capable mother.

Not wanting to rummage through your relationship, OP, but I can see from the timeline here that it was around the time DD arrived that the cracks began to show.

This sounds really painful for you. I really like all the things "msboogie" said too. It's OK to grieve for some time that it hasn't turned out as you thought it would. It's all so raw. But DD will be passively observing and learning how to be a woman from you.

I spent quite a few years on my own with DD1. Once I got used to it, (and, yes, it took a while, but months rather than years) it had some utterly fantastic aspects. I'm feeling it might be a bit early to be all pollyanna about it with you, but honestly it can be great. And much nicer than being in a dead end relationship.

Will post more on here if I think of them. Life's different for me now, but that whole time gave me a resilience I didn't realise was possible.

Good luck, and keep posting on here if it helps. There's more support around than you think. You're not alone.

The last time you were on your own you were a baby, really - 20? 40 feels very different. And being on your own when you're older and a mother is very different to being on your own as a teenager. It really is possible to love being single for a bit. It is highly unlikely to be for a long time unless you want it to be.

The things that got me through being on my own: 1. Enjoying the autonomy of not having to defer to someone else with my decisions - if I wanted to have a cup of tea and a bar of chocolate for my tea, I did. Etc. 2. A really nice bedroom for myself - new sheets, hot water bottle, really good things to read 3. Ringing my friends (lots of them lived quite a distance from me, and I didn't like parent & child groups). When I did start to make friends, I accepted it would take a while. I started singing with a local choir, and met people that way. And also got to know school run mums eventually. There's nearly always at least 1 that turns out to be great. 4. I went on an evening course for a while. (Took a while to sort childcare, but good people can come your way for that.) 5. Learning financial independence and budgeting - it wasn't easy at first, but I took a fair amount of pride in it eventually.6. I met one or two other single mums and realised I wasn't as alone as I thought 7. Facebook/Twitter, etc. Looking at that, I realised that everyone's lives had ups and downs too, whether they were in relationships or not. 8. Eventually meeting one or two people I fancied, and realising maybe I was on the mend. Nothing happened with them, but it awoke me to new possibilities.

We have talked, we have yelled, we have tussled a bit. This is where we are at: I told him to go, he said fine (among other thing), i begged him to stay, he called me his jellybaby (freak!) i have also been called a sausage (and he wasn't being complimentary - definataly a freak). I then told him to go, then begged him to stay, we yelled. He is stressed, i am stressed (tax return time). We have agreed to carry on, because - this is what he said: Where would i go? Where would he go? What about our daughter, she adores her daddy and it would be that she stayed with me. He'd be lonely, i'd be lonely and we are meant for each other.

Im not ready to walk away yet - i know you will probably all think im mad, but i need to make my "marriage" work. I do love him, i know he loves me - he is a good man.

Im depserately trying to find a job, but its not going great, nothing about.

Reality, im glad you remember me - things have got better. Im off my tablets, which means im a whole lot more volatile than i was, but more proactive. I think we will be ok, we have been through to much to give up.

I dont want to be on my own, and i believe that families need to stay togeter really, for the children - stay together happy, not unhappy.

Wish me luck girls, im going to fight for my man

Well, I hope he wants to fight for you too. Have you done Relate or anything like that?

I remember you too.

No pearls of wisdom but wishing you all the best.

Good luck brightlights, hope you both win the fight for your relationship :)

You need to go to couples counselling.

spid, i did a whole year in counselling. It would never work for my DP. I don't have the energy to explain how we got to the point we did last night. It was pretty ugly - on reflection i have to take the blame, well 70% of it, the other 20% circumstances and 10% DP - no, im not saying DP never does anything wrong, but this time, i know it was me. I behaved terribly when DP already under stupid amounts of pressure. I know what needs to change, and i can make the changes I need to make, and i hope that brings about some positive change in him.

REality, things are much much better between DP and I, this week has been a challenge, but overall the business going better and we re stronger as a couple. I am hoping last night was just a blip. Business is so stressful and i know i need to step up and support DP. He just has to keep his head down and keep soldiering on. He has done well this year, not necessarily in terms of finance (although we are no longer in mortgage arrears so that is a massive relief), but in terms of learning more about the business etc. He's not perfect, but then neither am i, we are muddlign through. Last night we spoke about chucking the business in and both getting jobs, but the reality is that we are too involved in it and there is potential for it to improve more this year.

Anyway, reality is knocked up?? How many is that now??? congratulations xxx

I'm glad you've both decided to try. I think people give up far too easily these days.

Thankyou wannabe, it does almost get to the point that you have been through too much together to walk away. Sometimes i do wonder if we would be better apart, but the thought of him not being in my life is too painful to contemplate. I agree with you, people do give up to easily, we have a child together, if we were to split it would break her heart. I also know to grow up with warring parents is hell because i was stuck in the middle of parents who hated each other. I think that we have some growing up to do! The only person in this whithout fault is my beautiful DD and she deserves a loving family, and so help me God, that is what she is going to get

Wannabefree - couldn't agree more. The negative spiral happens all too easily. Doesn't mean it can't be incredibly hard to sort, but it's worth that hard work more often than not.

brightlight - hang in there. There's lot's of positive energy being sent your way by everyone here! :)

We are not married, and i do have some problems with that because i am a catholic and believe that marriage should be for life. I FEEL married to my DP, and he refers to me as his wife. He just has never wanted to get married.

I want NEED the situation to change, we have lots of debts and this is the problem but we are making headway but its slow, it will be years before we are out of it. I did get a job at the end of last year but it didn't work out. Long story but it was a job that i should never have taken and it was too much - high stress, low pay - i dont mind low pay, i'll do anything really now but the level of stress was too high for the renumeration. I am just hoping that something comes along soon as that i think is the key. Im applying for loads of stuff but don't seem to get anywhere :(

I have to TRY and do the tax return for the business this year (sacked our accountant and dont want another) it is only self assesment and i prepare the accounts every year, but i am so incredibly stressed about it, DP too busy to support me with it at all so i feel overwhelmed - i guess my reaction was to go down the whole, lets finish it route - incredibly unfair on my DP as he is working stupid hours to get a job finished, hence him working today. Last thing he needed was me to have a fucking meltdown. So angry with myself.

I was on anti anxiety medication for nearly three years and ive stopped taking them, i am slowly coming out of the fog of not giving a shit what went on around me and now trying to pick up the peices of just being pretty inaminate for three years (our house is a disgusting state due to my prolonged inertia) - like my DP said to me last night i need to mend myself not rely on drugs and he is right.

Dont get me wrong, he has things to change and he knows it but i need to learn to stop spelling that out to him at every minute of every day