Issues with my mum

[sleepygirl]

I wasn't sure where to place this, so apologise if this is in the wrong place.

Firstly, a quick background. Mum and I don't get on. When I was little, she abused me but none of my siblings. She teased and mocked me in front of them. Even as an adult, she still tries to "control" me if that's the right term. She use to just turn up unannounced and let herself in as she used to have a spare key to my home as I'm known to locking myself out I had a nervous breakdown a few years ago because of her and the way she still continues to treat me. I don't have the heart or strength to cut ties with her altogther. I did 2 years of counselling, which helped. I was able to stand up for myself a little, in terms of laying down rules such as asking to come round and not use the spare keys. However, when I'm expecting her, I get stressed and anxious before she arrives, and now DP has said I should arrange these visits for when he is at home, because he helps eases the tension and is there for me. Though mum always says she's coming to visit DD and not me. So often, DD goes to my mum's house to visit, rather than her come see DD at mine.

At NY, mum had said her resolution was to see DD more. I wasn't happy about this as obviously I find it very stressful, and DD sees my mum every two weeks as it is. I can't handle my mum turning up every week. So my mum asked if she could take DD away on holiday over the Easter holidays. She had first suggested a long weekend. However, on the Friday, DD breaks up from school. I mentioned this, but mum didn't want to do that weekend as she felt it wasn't worth missing a day, although they could have still gone late afternoon/evening . So she suggested the Mon-Fri. We have a holiday planned on those days. I then suggested the following Mon-Fri as DD is off, but I have to return to uni. Mum then asked about the weekend after Easter without acknowledging my suggestion, so presumably it's not good for her. The weekend she did suggest was the weekend DD is doing something important (not going to say what as it may give away who I am), so I said that wouldn't work either. She then got angry, saying that she had told DD she would spend more time with her and that I'm stopping her from doing this. She also acts really childish and says things like "ok whatever" which really winds me up rather than being an adult about it.

I feel that partly the idea behind the holiday is because DD's father and his family are taking DD on holiday for the first time this year for a week. This is the first time they've done it, the longest they will have her, and the longest DD will be away from me. Me and DP are staying nearby as well under DD's request as she is a little nervous about it. She doesn't have much contact with her dad. He didn't even bother to contact her to wish her a Merry Christmas on Christmas Day... and hasn't tried to contact her since mid December... I agreed to the holiday because his family are there, and I trust them all with DD. They have done a lot over the past year for us, so I feel they deserve to have this time with DD even if ex doesn't. I think it's partly jealously that mum has suggested this holiday, which may sound ridiculous, but I know my mother. She had once said to me that ex's parents weren't actually DD's grandparents because me and ex weren't together anymore. I told her that's rubbish, and they are DD's grandparents as much as she is (my dad left when I was young and I rarely see him). She has always thought she was better than them because she sees DD more than they do. That really bugs me.

But it's like today I saw my mum whilst I was out, and she saw me, we made eye contact but she just blanked me and carried on her way. It really upset/angered me. Also when I had my breakdown, I told her the reason for it was because of her, and she said "well if you need someone to blame, I suppose I'll have to do won't I?" without acknowledging that I actually do have a problem with her. Also, when I had talked to her about the abuse I suffered for years as a child, she denies it and thinks I'm just making it up to get at her.

I don't think I'm really looking for advice as I know the jist of what I'll get, but I think it's more I needed to get this out, because I just feel really upset at the moment.

Just cut contact
tell her she's not taking your dd on holiday
why do you leave dd with her when she abused you? You don't need her in your life

:(

Like you say, you think you know the gist of the advice you'd get. My first thought would be to cut off contact altogether, but you don't want to do that. Why though, when she abused you, is it OK for her to see DD and spend time away/alone with her?

Hope someone with something more constructive can come along :)

Are you sure your Mum isn't trying to see your DD as a way to get at you?
Not sure I'd be happy with her (your M) being on her own with DD in any case.
It must be awful to be cut like that by your own M in the street.
Are you sure it's worth continuing your relationship with her at this level? Sounds like a once a month/2 months contact would be more appropriate?

Thanks for your responses.

Before NY, contact wasn't regular, as I tried to keep my distance. TBH, I'm not really happy of the idea of my mum taking DD away, but didn't want to say that in my post in case I sound unreasonable. My mum knows that we don't get on, so I think she tries to force herself onto us even more through that. My brother still lives at home with my mum otherwise I wouldn't be comfortable with DD there on her own. And usually mum takes DD out somewhere when they do spend time together so I know she wouldn't do anything out in public as she never did with me.

But then, in my head, I feel like mum wouldn't abuse DD, just like she didn't abuse my siblings, that it was just something to do with me, and I have reasons in that thinking, such as she was forced to marry my dad when they found out she was pregnant with me, so I feel she blames a lot of her bad experiences on me. My dad was never abusive, I'll just add. But I do know my grandad was abusive to my mum when she was little.

I have wanted to break contact for a long time, but I just find it so hard. It doesn't help that she lives not far from us. I have been wanting to move for a long time too, but as I'm in uni (though finishing in the summer!) it wasn't fesible to move whilst I was there. Then obviously we will need to save once I'm working to be able to do so.

I don't think I can explain how hard it is to cut contact with her. I have cut contact with my siblings though. I don't even understand why I can't do it with her though. I know my DD adores my mum though, which I think is what makes it harder.

And I know I sound a mess, reading that back :(

Of course she will abuse your dd, she has no idea of boundaries from your post, she probably has no idea it is abuse.

Why when you know she is abusive and she caused a breakdown do you cling to her, because you want her to change? She won't, she has no interest in doing so, she has you and your dd and she can carry on behaving as she is with no consequences, so what motivation has she got to change?

Your mum is trying to get to you by blanking you in the street.
Dont let her get to you
be strong
Dont contact her to apologise, don't overthink why she does anything, don't try to appease her.

She is not going to take any responsibility for the way SHE treated YOU when you were young, instead she tries to make YOU feel guilty therefore the "well if you need someone to blame" comment.

Knowing that try and take conrtol of your life

If you haven't already done so change your locks.
If you feel you need to leave a spare key with someone try your DP family, or a friend or a neighbour anyone other than your mum.
You can even get key safes which hold a kay and need a code entered, make sure it's a code your mum wouldnt guess.

If/when she does make contact be polite but firm. If the holiday with DD is mentioned, state the times that suit YOU. Ignore emotional blackmail comments, for thats exactly what the "you are stopping me spending time with her " is designed to do, wind you up and make you feel in the wrong.
Dont explain, dont apologise, calmly state when is suitable again and say its not up for discussion
Dont feel bad about putting the phone down on her if she continues.

Sadly you are never going to get her love and approval, what you need to do now is protect your daughter from your toxic mother.
Be a better mum than she ever was

You're doing well, going to uni, looking after your child and starting to lay down rules to your mum.
Keep going, you CAN do it

Hi, thanks again for your comments. Just to answer a few comments:

"Why when you know she is abusive and she caused a breakdown do you cling to her, because you want her to change?"
I wish I could answer this. I remember once her telling me she is set her ways and wouldn't change. I can't remember the reason as to why she had said this to me, but I believe it was around the time of my breakdown. And I understand what you mean by the motivation of not changing. This is partly why I often make up excuses to not see her, though I know really I should just say that I don't want to see her.

^"Sadly you are never going to get her love and approval, what you need to do now is protect your daughter from your toxic mother.
Be a better mum than she ever was"^
I have tried my best, I always put my DD before myself. And I know from how our relationship is, we've very close and everything me and mum weren't when I was younger.

I have taken the keys back off her. I also changed the locks just in case. I spoke to DP a long time ago about my wish and need to move away from the area. He also agrees, as we would like to buy a house in a few years time when we have got our savings going again once I'm working, and we have decided where we would like to move to due to the lower house prices compared to where we live now.

I feel that my fear of just cutting ties with my mum or being more honest, is because I still have that fear I use to have as a child. I think this is why I still get anxious and worried before she visits. I know I would be happy to never see my mum again, just as I am with my siblings now. I mean I'm very lucky to have DP who understands me and my past. He knows how my mind works, as I've also had horrible relationships in the past, so everything has made me feel for many years that I don't deserve happiness. I still get like that sometimes, but rarely. Even if I don't say anything, DP can just tell when I get like that. So I'm very thankful that I have his support and love, as well as DD's. I'm still on anti depressants, and go to counselling on a casual basis through my uni.

But I feel like the only way I can cut contact with her, is by moving away. Like where I live, she seems to have been able to make it so she passes my home when she's on her way to work, or when walking the dog. That was why she use to just "drop by" before, but since I told her to stop it, she doesn't, but still continues to make those trips nearby. And from saying that, I do feel very trapped. I can't take DD to the local park as my mum might be there, or my sister, so we have to go to one 20 minutes away.

I know I can change things, I've done it before. I found the strength to split up with DD's father, I found the strength to stop contact with my siblings, yet I seem to be terrified to do the same with my mum.

So she controls you, she belittles your feelings, she disregards your concerns, she dictates to you, she's overly competitive and she emotionally blackmails you.

Seems to me that it is taking more of your strength to keep putting yourself through all this and struggling not to get completely overwhelmed than it would take to simply turn your back on it all.

Our parents don't get special allowance to treat us badly just because they're our parents.

Snorbs, that's a fair point, and I know how stupid it must all look and sound.

But is it possible to cut contact with her when she only lives a 15 minute walk away?

You could just blank her, like she did :)