Child Maintenance Plea...

[acorns2010]

New on here but am trying find out how many other women maybe in my position. My husband left me with two small children and moved in with someone else. Initially he paid me maintenance but once our divorce was final he stopped all payments. I contacted CSA who told me he was saying he was unemployed and I couldn't have anything. I know he works everyday, he is self-employed and so there is no PAYE or wage slips to trace. I contacted the Inland Revenue and they just said he had put in a nil tax return and they would look into it. I never heard anything again, meanwhile I am working seven days a week and some evenings just to survive. After our family home was sold I was awarded what was left of the equity, after clearing debts he had built up against the mortgage, the equity wasn't enough to buy another house and I have used it to pay my rent and supplement my income He has paid me nothing since this point and says use what you got from the house. Meanwhile, he lives with his girlfriend who works full time and her two children who live with them are both working.
He always tells me he has no work but I know people he has done jobs for, I even saw him at a job this morning! He had two holidays in Greece last year and took his children to a BB in Wales for two rainy nights at the end of the school holidays. He just announced this week they are getting married, funny when her Mum only died in September and left her some money and part of a house! I just wondered if there are any other hard working mums out there who are getting nothing from the fathers of their children. I thought if I could get enough feedback I am going to try and lobby my MP to ask what the government intends to do about it, This is not a whinge I want to do something constructive and hopefully help some other hard working women!

Hi Jellyjelly,

We went to court when my son was little to arrange access as he'd failed to see my son once the injunction had lapsed. He said he wanted 2 days in the week and one sleepover at the weekend. Funny as in the beginning Id said he could see him whenever he wanted and yet he chose to use that time to be abusive towards me instead. Anyway I stated I was happy for him to see him twice a week but as my son didn't know him well enough and had never slept overnight anywhere before and requested him to get to know him first. The following court appearance he changed his mind and said he just wanted him once a week! And this has been pretty much typical of him all my sons life. It annoys me so much that they think they are hurting us but yet it's the children who grow up feeling unwanted :( My son is now 16 and like I said sees his father in the street and gets ignored! How can they be so cruel? I hope Karma comes and bites them, but these kind of men never seem to get their commupance, his sister told me she's seen him crying and wishing he could see his son??? But no one stopped him, it's his choice! I get so angry, not just for my son but for so many other children who are neglected by their fathers. Xx

I agree and the thing is when you are a family you both pay for your child ( in most cases, although not mine) yet once the relationship ends its like these fathers think that's where there responsibility ends, but if that shared income is gone then the whole responsibility and costs to bring up the child is left to the lone parent, how is that right?
My son has never gone without and my ex knows that I wouldn't allow that to happen but my son could have had so much more. I've had to go without but yet he has been able to go out whenever he pleases, go on holidays as many times as he wants and buy his own home and not care about his child. The CSA don't seem to give a damn, they say they'll look into it but they don't.

I'm so sorry you are all going through this too and your children but you are all amazing mums and they are very lucky to have you. In the end it will be the fathers that will miss out when their child/children don't want to know them anymore and at least us mums will know we did everything we could for them :) xxx

Same here sadly.

Jesus Christ. What kind of a woman lives with a man who does everything he can to get out of paying for his own children?

Umm..The way it tends to work,is that you don't know he won't pay for his DC, until you're not living with him..It's not tatooed on their foreheads from the first date y'know!

i also don't receive maintenance

xp has recently started working part time after having spent most of the last 10 or so years on benefits so that he doesn't have to pay me

i work as much as i possibly can, so that my lovely lovely DS can have the best life i can give him. currently looking for a second job, so will be working 60 hours a week again. the amount of toilets i have cleaned, and backsides i have wiped, and all to provide for my boy. all so that my DS lives in an ok house, has a car on the drive, holidays that he loves and learns so much on, and most importantly understands the need to work and provide for yourself and your family.

if xp was to get off his ever growing arse and work, and pay maintenance, i would not have to consider leaving my DS on his own for a few hours each week to do a second job. DS is old enough for this btw, but it still isn't ideal.

csa are going to pursue a liability order. it's unfair that the onus is on me to find out where he lives, works etc when i don't know where he is and csa have the means to find all this info out.

what also annoys me is that the taxes i pay contribute to the benefits paid to feckless bastards like himself, and also towards the csa itself. ironic!

if i was to refuse to feed, house, clothe and communicate with my child i would rightly be seen as a neglectful parent.

Frizzbonce,

Are you referring to me? Or his new wife? Your message can be read two ways, as Jellycat rightly said we don't think, oooh I know i'll live and have a child with him and bring that child up alone while he does whatever he pleases. Obviously I was only young when I met my sons dad but never would have thought that he wouldn't look after his child. I can only think you mean how can another woman live with a man and have a baby with him knowing he has another child he doesn't see or support, as surely you would see that no mother would purposely be with a man knowing he wouldn't provide for their child. To be fair to his wife he is a liar and will have given her some sob story as to why he doesn't see or provide for his son and I guess that happens in a lot of cases.

Maristella, you are so right, if we. Weren't looking after our children we would be classed as being neglectful, yet they are allowed to be neglectful.

My boyfriends mum and dad split up when he was a teenager, but his father has always been a part of his and his brothers life and paid for them both. This is how it should be, if the marriage/relationship fails it's sad but doesn't have to be the end of a family. This is what I wanted for my son, I gave his father every opportunity to be a dad to my son and have a relationship with him and he threw it all away xx

America does take a grim view bestmamaderwelt I can attest to that :) Ex retired from a state job at 52 filed to have his cs reduced.The judge laughed at him told him to get a job as 52 was way to young to retire with 3 teenagers who needed school paid for,then UPPED his support payments by nearly $300 a month :o

While waiting to be seen by the judge there was some other poor bugger before us who was obviously trying for a second reduction due to unemployment (looked and sounded like a banker type) The judge told him it wasn't his kids fault he wasn't working and there were plenty of opportunities out there to earn a buck,hed seen 3 signs looking for help selling christmas trees on his way into court ( it was near christmas obviously) and as a dad no job should be beneath his dignity when it came to taking care of his kids

I stopped worrying at that point:o

Plus in this state they dont take that no earnings thing,they make you get a job an if ur unemployed they take that too.Theyll freeze your bank account and garnish your wages.They can stop you getting a new drivers license or professional license and passport. They can even take money from a joint account you have with someone else.Yep in this state you need to fear the child support people :o Oh yeah an theyll fck ur credit up too

Blimey, from one extreme to the other!

Just £20 a week child maintenance would help me out!!

wow, wishing uk judges could have the same attitude! xp's face would be a picture if a judge basically was to tell him to man up and support his child

Acorn2010. I feel your pain and frustration and
I'm glad that you have fire in your belly to get
This feckless, neglectful selfishness sorted out.
But may I say that if you think that a tory government
Is going to take it in and listen, then we as single
Parents are sadly mistaken!! Please remember
That it was a tory government that started the whole
Sorry arsed saga that is the "CSA"! Therefore taking the power away from the courts to make fathers
Pay their way. It should never of happened.
America has it sorted and doesn't stand for it
And austrailia also doesn't stand for it. Zero tolerance.
Britain actually sent a group of csa people over to
Austrailia to see how it works over there!! Still no joy!!
We need to mobilise ourselves and fight it all the way
For our kids!! How about we all meet up on fathers day and march in downing street. We will be heard!!
This government stand by and charge £10 a day congestion charge for a car to drive into London!
But stand by and let children blatantly do without from their feckless fathers. Shame on you Cameron shame on you!! I spoke to threasa may mp but she didn't come thru for my child. Useless article. Hope you have more luck with your mp!! I'm going for a variation on xp cos his taking the piss stops here now!!

Shop them to the Inland Revenue!!!!!!!

Hi
I can't thank everyone enough for all your really useful comments.....it spurs me on not to just sit back and take it, for all our sakes!
Had a meeting with my MP this morning, I went armed with all the info re the USA system, have you seen what they do?? Brilliant and it could be like that for us...Office of Child Support Enforcement (OCSE) USA. He never looked at any of the stuff I had taken and had an attitude of this isn't the states and it doesn't work like that here. He kept going on about costs but the USA system saves money for the tax payer. I suggested if all our ex's are unemployed why aren't they signing up for Mr Cameron's Big Society and doing voluntary work!! They could keep our libraries open and fill pot holes in the road. He said we couldn't make people do these things if they didn't want to....pathetic I say!! In America they take their driving licences off them and passports...no more holidays for their new partners and I wonder how long before the new partner starts moaning...perhaps that sort of pressure may make them pay up. I didn't really expect anything else from the Conservatives....it's time someone toughened up and cracked down on this! I now intend to write to Frank Field MP who was involved in that documentary " Feckless Fathers" and seems more motivated than my MP to do something about it. I also intend to start a petition in my home town Warwick Warks and set up a google site for it...will let you know details asap. Does anyone else fancy doing something...perhaps if enough of us contact mumsnet about this we could get a campaign going with their help and Gingerbread as well. Suggestions?? Lets try to lobby as many MPs as well. The general public don't know we exist...I am sure if they knew how much of their taxes could be saved they would be interested!! Can't say thank you to you all enough times... Lets keep doing anything we can to raise awareness
:)

Fantastic idea Bongobaby!! Am all for a march on Downing Street. If we were men something would have been done about it. They are idiots because think how many votes we are worth between us!!
I am thinking about having a big poster of my husband made and some leaflets to stand outside his wedding venue and tell people about him. I wonder how many of his guests know the real story!! Now I am sounding manic....but enough is enough !!
How can we get enough of us together to do the Fathers Day thing??

Acorns, good for you raising this issue. Its about time someone did because a lot of people are affected. Frankly, a lot of men are running rings around the system at present, unchecked.

I'm very impressed to hear what the US are doing, sounds like we ought to be following their example here.

A petition would be a good start, count me in.

I think we should publisize a national petition to include a signature of the mum and how many children she has that are affected. I'm no computer whizz but there must be someone on here who could set something up so this plight can get media coverage ??

Actually, this should be resurrected! I have over £40000 owed to me and my boys through CSA, enough for Fathers for Justice, we should stand up and fight too.....

I'd love someone to do something about this. I received no more than £1000 over dd's entire childhood (he wanted a child then deserted me during pregnancy). The csa were useless.

What gets me is certain sections of society,who refer to us as 'feckless single mothers' sponging off the state - when we're working our arses off, trying to keep a happy home for our children and repeating through gritted teeth that we're sure daddy will be in touch soon and of course he loves them, he just must be very busy at the moment...