Anyone any experience with a parent that didn't bring you up but you have found and in contact??? Or any advice would be welcome and appreciated

[ScrewballMuppet]

My dad raised me, he and mum split up as he'd had repeated affairs so she left.

I found out by chance were my gran lived (mums mum) when I was 16 and plucked up the courage with friend to knock on the door. I was greeted with a huge warm welcome by my gran who rung my mum and said that I was there...we spoke a little then swapped addresses. She had lived a 10min walk from mine and dads house all my life she knew I would be around that area but had no idea that I was so close.

Anyway going off track a bit here...that was over 10 years ago now. I had hoped that as I was still young that we would be able to form some sort of relationship...not in each others pockets but in touch.
She will get in touch with me then I will not see her or hear from her for maybe 6 months to a year. My attempts at getting in touch with her are ignored and I always end up feeling foolish. I have written to her twice and asked were I stood and said that just popping up in my life unannounced and then dissappearing was difficult for me (why I do not know I'm a grown woman...it just gets me every time). To this she replys not to be stupid and that she'll always be there and she'll always be my mum and that if I want to contact her to contact her. So I do then I hear nothing and end up waiting. I don't understand why she says she'll come round/rings/email if she doesn't mean it.
I usually put it back of my mind and decide that its not a healthy situation and that I'm best out of it, then she'll contact me and the funny thing is I would love for her to be in my life so fall for what she says everytime.
I haven't seen her for over a year she contacted me and asked for my email and photos for the kids to which I gave her, she also said that my sister was going to get married next year....I replied and asked if I could have my sisters address to post her a congratulations card and never heard from her again.
Again I decided to just leave it that I'm best to be not contact with her if everytime I end up disappointed and let down.
Today I was at uni and saw my brother walk by me never even noticed me....I was dumbstruck but as I thought he was in durham uni I just walked away thinking it must be someone else. Curiosity got the best of me I went back and bumped into my mum (shes doing a degree at same place). She said she had seen me with friends but didn't want to embarass me (haven't seen my mum since last christmas) and that yes my brother had moved over here. She was pleasent but as usual took no notice of what I was saying in fact walked off during a conversation saying bye. I said goodbye to my brother who payed me no attention and turned his back.

AND again I'm back here not sure what to think about the whole thing wondering what it is about me that they don't like, wonder if they think that I'm some mad stalker woman (although I've contacted them only a handful of times this year all with no responses from themselves). I'm tired of it now I just want to be left now to get on with my life. If she doesn't want to be n my life then why keep contacting me?

I've so needed a mum over the years and there a times even now that I just wish I had a mum who I could say...'Oh mum I've had such a bad day' or something.

Sorry that this has been so long but its a huge thing in my life that I always try to ignore or rationalise and I just can't anymore...I don't know what to do, how to deal with this situation? I can't talk to her personally as she always brings someone with her without warning or cancels when asked specifically to meet her in neutral place to talk

Anybody been/going through something like this...any advice???

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Hi SCM,
No advice I'm afraid, but jsut wanted to acknowledge your post really. I hope you find an answer to your situation.

Message withdrawn

Oh SM, I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm not sure how much help I can be, but what you say did ring some bells for me. My parents split up when I was 9 (my father had an affair) and when I was 13 he moved abroad with his partner and child and went on to have another child. Since then I've seen him once a year in the summer and that's all. When I was younger I used to go to him and then he started coming to England to see his mother. For years I went out of my way to maintain contact: I phoned him and kept up email relations with my step-mother (who I dislike) simply to keep in touch because he's my father and the only grandfather my children have. This year, I think I've decided to give up on him. He never bothers to ring me from one year to the next, I've had years of watching him play best-dad-in-the-world to my half-sisters (one of whom is pretty monstrous) and preferring my brother because they can both talk for England about music and cricket and saying nothing to me. He and I have no conversation, and I mean none. We say hello and pass a couple of comments on really trivial subjects. Never anything meaningful. He's not much better with my children, though, ironically, his wife and my half-sisters (even the monstrous one!) are really good!

I've come to the conclusion that some parents are just crap, and I just have to let go. If he wants to see me and my children, he can get off his backside and come to my house. He knows where it is, though he ahsn't made the effort in six years. It's always left to me to find out when he's coming and haul my three young children around the country to sit in a room and say nothing!

Sorry, this is probably no help at all. It's not necessarily personal: my father doesn't have a malicious bone in his body, he's just lazy and crap at responsibility. Always has been. My mother says relying on him as like leaning on fog! I know it's hard to accept that you don't have a bond with a parent, but it may just cause you less heartache to let go now than try and force a relationship that just isn't going to take.

Hope some of this is remotely helpful. Are you close to your Dad? I've got quite a good relationship with my Mum, and I'm thankful for that!

Pruni put it so much better! Sorry, just had to press post or I wouldn't have done it at all.

I've just been thinking about this and started to get a bit upset. But I know that I'm upset about 'losing' something that I don't actually have. I'm letting go of a dream of what I'd like my father to be. But he isn't that and he never will be. It's not worth the repeated disappointment.

Totally know where you're coming from SM.

My mum ran off with someone leaving me and my brother alone in the house for hours when we were 11 mths and 3. (I was 11 mths).

Grew up with my dad rarely hearing from her exept at xmas or b'days. I could count the times I saw her from aged 1 til 18 on the fingers of one hand.

When I had kids of my own I couldn't imagine leaving them in the same way as she left me. Although we saw each other weekly as I moved near to her, looking back I now see our relationship was all one sided and superficial. After I moved away, if I didn't ring her to make arrangements, months and months would go by without hearing anything from her.

She remarried 3 weeks ago. During the previous year that she and her fiance were courting I have come to realise that she is actually a very cold hearted and shallow woman. I now question whether it is worth making the effort with her - if I had a friend who treated me like this I would bin them.

I know where you are coming from with not having had someone to say "oh mum I've had a crap day etc".....I never had that and a part of me wants her to be the perfect mum. She never lived up to my childhood fantasy of perfection. I am 35 but with regard to this I feel like a vulnerable 10 year old all over again.

If posting here too personal and upsetting I would be happy to CAT with you.

thought long and hard before posting this because the facts of my experience differ greatly from yours (my parents stayed together until my father died) so I cannot say that I know how you feel.
But my childhood experience was such that I feel very strongly that I wsa not "parented" (I have discussed this with my sister and she feels the same) and for many years I felt the kind of anger and frustration you feel about not having a mum to rely on, or something to fall back on. It is a very scary, horrible feeling and I also experienced intense feelings of envy when I saw how other "normal" families worked. Especially when I saw other parents supporting their children and wanting the best for them. It was hard not to be bitter. What I felt to be a gap in my life led to me making some bad choices in relationships.
But as I have got older I have started to feel differently about it. There comes a point when you have to say "enough" and stop expecting your mother (in your case) to be something she is not and is never going to be. Because your expectations are only leading to your pain and there is no prospect that will change. I think it sounds like that you are just about at that point.
It was painful for me but I was able to just train myself not to be disappointed, and to convince myself that (in truth) it was not about me, but about her. It's like the end of a love affair - it does take time to heal but if you face up to the facts then it will get better over time.
I truly believe that this is not about you - it is about her.
I also came to realise that relying on yourself can actually have a good effect on your character. Sorry if this sounds trite but I think it makes you a stronger and more self reliant person.
The other thing is that - amazingly - I now have a good relationship with my mother. Especially since my father died, and I have become a mother myself. She is still not exactly a mother to me but still... I am not saying that this will happen to you but who knows what the future might bring.

I am truly sorry if any of this sounds trivial next to what is clearly a very difficult and traumatic sitation for you. sending you all support.

Thankyou all very much for your posts. I don't know whether to feel comforted that others have experienced something similar and have moved on or sad that these things happen IYKWIM.

I had a good long think last night and have decided to cut her out of my life so that I can get on with mine. If she emails or writes I'm just not going to reply and if bump into her at uni or brother again well...all I can think is to just to smile aknowledge them and carry on going.
As for phone calls...I'm not sure....I don't really want to change my number...will see if theres away of blocking numbers or something but I don't really want her contacting me again so may change numbers.
I'd write her a letter telling her not to contact me again but have done last year and she ignored it telling me not to be stupid and making promises that she didn't keep...so just not going to waste the paper or breath.

ScreamEagle thankyou very much for the offer I just may take you up on that offer in the future if you didn't mind

oh screwballmuppet - i cannot offer advice. but i've now grown up many years without a mother figure in my life. i know exactly why you say you want a mum to turn to. you need that person you can turn to and tell what ever you want, to ask any motherly advice, to feel that motherly protection. when you have children you want that motherly experience passed down. my words arent describing exactly what i mean but i think you will understand what i mean.
I'll tell you about my parents. It may lose you. Here goes - my tale is a long winded one so will summerise. My dad (foster dad) died last week. I'm 28 and he is the only dad i know. my cousin rang my real father to let him know. he never asked about me which really pissed me off at the time. then i was upset. now i have written him a letter telling him exactly how he made me feel. but it may be worth me giving him a go. my dad (foster dad - who i will always call dad) always wanted me to contact him. i was too young, too resentful, too angry. dad even went to see him when he travelled east a couple of years ago. my dh made a very interesting point when we returned to the city after my dad's funeral. what if things had been kept from me by my mum (foster mum) who would have been carrying out my real mum's dying wishes (she died when i was 2 and a half). my mum (foster) died just before i turned 18. strange that it never occurred to me why all of a sudden i received an 18th present. but none before. or why i received a wedding gift the next year. etc etc. me being young was resentful. all i could think was why had he thought he could contact me after 18 years. but as my dh said there are always two sides to a story so that is what i am seeking from him. i have a half sister who he does not acknowledge (apparently), her and i have been best friends since we met.(we finally met 10 years ago at my foster mums funeral - she is three years younger than me)
another question sparked though when in our country town where dad's funeral was there is a 19 year old girl who strongly resembles my half sister and i. with exactly the sam,e mannerisms, my cousin pointed this out. my birth father must of been a complete "root rat" excuse my language.
i guess i'm kind of scared to find out the truth incase its what ive thought for many years. i want to find out if this girl may be another sister. but its not for me to upset her current life. i need to know f it is possible he is also her father first. but i pray my letter telling him how i feel may prove he is no a complete wanker. i guess it will take time to see.
but i am sending you a big hug screwballmuppet, i hope your ok xxx