Tell me - how do you know it's" love " you are feeling?

[piranhamorgana]

Genuine question.

My experiences -

Parents sexually,physically,verbally abused me as a child - but I thought they "loved" me;

They are still abusive,but still claim they "love" me.

Not surprisingly, I chose partners who behaved in a similar,abusive,way.I thought they "loved" me,and that I "loved" them.

Clearly,none of that was love.

I have had a lot of therapy,and know I will never be abused again.

It has taken me years - and lots of MN - to really understand what love is not

But

What is it?

And how would I know,if I were to experience it?

I am really interested to hear from those who are/have ever experienced what love is like in a genuinely equal,mutually respectful and generally satisfactory partnership.

And how did/do you know that this is it?

Is it different/does it feel different for those of us who have had to learn to love ourselves first (as I do now) to the way it feels for those who have always had high self esteem/never been abused?

I think it is someone who doesn't want to think badly of you. If you are ill they WANT to look after you. To think of you feeling bad makes them want to alleviate it. They feel happy when you are successful.

This is not to say they are consumed by you but stand beside you and do what they are able to help you be happy, they of course get this in return from you.

Above all they actually seem to like you as well as claiming to love you.

I dont think it exists though .

Yes,that sounds like the behaviour of a loving friend/partner,shimmery.

Like and respect would have to be there from the start,and remain.

I too ,have my doubts about its' existence - or at least my chances of finding it,now.

But having really felt what I believed at the time to be "Love" - but it wasn't.....

How do I know when/if it really is....

(all hypothetical,currently....)

If a grand,overblown,hearts and flowers-style declaration (early on) is a potential red flag;

And if the idea of "the one" and "soul mates " is also unrealistic and - in my experience - the stuff that often comes with a controlling,if not bullying partner..

If big promises and romantic dreams - when offered by a relatively new,"ideal" partner are,again,red flags,

-these are all things I have experienced,and mistook for proof of "love" -

Then,what would I feel,notice,experience that might suggest "real" love?

I'm not religious but the bit of St Pauls from corinthians that is often read at weddings is an excellent description of Love I think.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. "

Kepler's post says it all really.

I think love is when you respect and trust that person completely, and you care about them being happy.

I've listened to that at weddings a good few times,kepler,but not really considered it in relation to anything to do with my life ...
( hmm,that probably is the answer to my own question....?)

Very beautiful and moving.