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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh really nasty when we argue

23 replies

neepsntatties · 20/01/2011 23:33

Mostly we are fine but obviously we do argue. My problem isn't so much that we do but the way he reacts. He just becomes nasty telling me to shut my face or fuck off. Often I feel he totally over reacts too.

Tonight for example I was trying to tell him something and he kept interuppting me assuming that he knew what I was going to say. First time I said you're not listening to me and I started to explain again and he interrupted again with another assumption and so I said again that he wasn't listening and he just started to tell me to shut my face and stormed off. I went to bed in tears because it is such a horrible way to be spoken to.

No clue how to deal with it really.

OP posts:

Tortington · 20/01/2011 23:35

shit in his pillow.

it requires a sit down conversation about communication

sheepgomeep · 20/01/2011 23:52

My dp is like this too.. no advice just sympathy.

I find myself going back at him and being just as nasty which is childish I know but its a cycle we just can't seem to break

Heroine · 20/01/2011 23:59

well I do know that often what gets people increasingly annoyed in an argument is being blocked from having your ideas heard. I know you say he is interrupting you, but then you interrupt him to tell him he is interrupting you, which then becomes a battle - when he is blowing off steam, wait until he is completely talked out - even fake listening but don't say anything stupid like 'are you finished' just say 'I see, I didn't realise' or 'wow, sorry no wonder you are pissed off' and then make your point. I learnt it in a shop, play 'watching the freak' but do listen to why he is angry but wait until the onslaught is finished. It really is like opening a pressure cooker - if you stick your hand into the jet of steam you will get scalded, wait until the steam lets out all the pressure and you can put your finger where you like, it won't get scalded.

LittleMissHissyFit · 21/01/2011 00:30

If he does that again neeps, just stop talking. Don't waste your breath.

Leave the room and go do something else.

He's trying to be overbearing and dominant. He can be neither if you don't let him.

Don't Engage.
[Fine One to Talk]

kepler10b · 21/01/2011 12:38

my OH does this sometimes too. i generally do the walking away thing to get bit of space but this makes him even angrier - it's like he wants a confrontation and starts shouting at me about why do i walk away. i might try the pressure cooker thing next time. only it can be a while - he can rant for ages.

good luck.

Original poster

neepsntatties · 21/01/2011 12:42

Thanks. He just seems to snap suddenly and I don't always know why. I think it is ok for him to be annoyed with me for whatever reason but not ok for him to be so nasty when he is. Have tried to say that but makes no difference.

OP posts:

madonnawhore · 21/01/2011 12:45

He sounds like a rude, disrespectful, horrible bully.

Is he mean in other aspects of your relationship too? There really is no excuse for him to talk to you like that. I bet he wouldn't say those things to anyone else he was disagreeing with.

Original poster

neepsntatties · 21/01/2011 12:58

No he is lovely most of the time, it's just when he gets angry/ in a mood. Maybe just not good at dealing with anger. I am not good at conflict either, it freaks me out so perhaps I am too sensitive aswell.

OP posts:

madonnawhore · 21/01/2011 13:04

I don't think having a strong reaction to being told to 'shut your face' and 'fuck off' is freaking out, i think it's perfectly natural to find that kind of language violent and shocking.

If he's nice in all other ways then he really needs to have a word with himself about the way he communicates. It is just not acceptable for him to speak to you like that and he can't carry on justifying it to himself that it is.

snowexpected · 21/01/2011 13:21

Neeps you have my sympathy. My dh does this too and it really really upsets me. In fact I have been considering leaving because it makes me feel so shit. He can be really nice and caring as well so not sure why he reacts like that.

I recently waited for a time when he was in a good mood and told him how I felt. He started to tell me that I am ridiculous but I said that that was an example of language and behaviour that is out of order.

He accepted it and I'm just waiting to see what happens - the conversation was 6 days ago.

How long have you been with your DH? Has he always been like this and if so have you tried to talk to him about it?

GelflinGirl · 21/01/2011 13:25

nothingto say other than your other half is an imature idiot and custardo your seriously hilarious!!

Original poster

neepsntatties · 21/01/2011 13:31

9 years. We've had some bad patches but are pretty good just now. We had a bad time after ds was born which was a big adjustment for us both.

I should try and talk to him about it when he is in a good mood although maybe not right now as I am 39 weeks pregnant and a bit emotional.

I don't think he understands how much it upsets me. He is mostly lovely, tells me I am beautiful every day and that he loves me but is just unbearable when he is in a mood.

OP posts:

bibbitybobbityhat · 21/01/2011 13:40

I do sympathise. My dh goes totally overboard when we argue. Unfortunately it means we have a very bland and dishonest relationship.

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 21/01/2011 13:56

You don't have to listen or watch that sort of awful behaviour. Walk away.

If someone behaves like a child then treat them like a child, tell them right there and then that their lanuage and behaviour is unacceptable and you'll talk to them when they can keep a civil tongue. Then walk away.

I should imagine you'd never dream of letting your dc speak to you like that, or anyone else come to that, so don't let your dh. Don't give him the opportunity, walk away.

DH and I eff and jeff with the best of them, but NEVER in anger at each other, it's unacceptable and shows a lack of repect.

CoffeeDodger · 21/01/2011 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

snowexpected · 21/01/2011 14:07

Ah congratulations on your pregnancy Neeps. No wonder you feel emotional with all those hormones swishing around and DH shouting.

Definitely try and talk to him when he's in a good mood and tell him how you feel or you could try relate? You can then discuss your concerns but feel safe that he won't start yelling at you (hopefully.

Are his parents still around? If so, how do they speak to each other/him?

ItsGraceAgain · 21/01/2011 14:31

Have you tried saying "Can we please argue without swearing?" You need a special calm way of saying this, much as if you were saying "Pass the salt". It's important to say "we" as well, so it doesn't sound like an accusation.

Heroine's pressure-cooker advice is brilliant.

Here's a very good assertiveness primer.

snowcherries · 21/01/2011 19:06

mine is exactly the same....

echt · 22/01/2011 08:23

I was once at a dinner party where a man did the aggressive interrupting of me. Clearly picking on me for no clear reason.

Very embarrassing, as the hosts did shit to move the convo on.

I punched him out over the table.

Just saying.

Resolution · 22/01/2011 09:07

Have you tried marriage guidance? Doesn't mean to say that you're telling him it's that or divorce, but why wait until the problem gets critical before you seek help?
Could you secretly record one such conversation the play it back to yourself so you can, away from the immediate pressure, decide how bad it truly is?

Heroine · 22/01/2011 09:49

DON'T treat someone like a child when they are 'behaving like a child' because that is why they are behaving like a child! Being parental and walking away is prolonging that level of exchange - you need to get to adult-adult (Transactional analysis fans!)

purepurple · 22/01/2011 09:59

Heroine, I love TA. I have explained it to my LO who are 14 and 21. I just need to drip feed it to DH who always goes into any situation at the parent state.
It does my head in. I have made slight inroads with him, as I automatically responded in my child state. It caused massive sulking on his part, and mine too, I have to admit. I now tend to nip in the bud by responding in my adult atste. It throws him

Op, your DH sounds just like mine. I too hate confrontation, and tended in the past to avoid it. I now refuse to listen to him when he is ranting and wagging the finger. He has admitted he needs time to think things through before he speaks about things that upset him. I have told him I refuse to discuss things with him if he is shouting- I will only do discussion, not angry shouting.
I think that it is important to discuss things afeter the event, in a calm rational way, which is something we haven't done very often. But it does help.

Heroine · 22/01/2011 10:01

also I want to make a point about conversational style - my friends and I are like babbling brooks, lots of overlaps, negotiation and interruption, and we see that as fine. One friend of mine and his lot get REALLY stressed at ideas jumping around in the group and over what I see as 'yeah yeah i think so too here's an example' they see as me trying to muscle in on their conversation and contradict them even when I agree so that might be a factor if, say, his idea of argument is power struggle and yours is problem solving...don't want to negate your experience (and love the primer above) but its worth thinking about - at work once someone I was presenting a strategy too started freaking out and shouted 'you are percieving this as an argument!' when I was just trying to keep her on track about what I was describing - it was so weird, but it had something to do with her perception of the power relationship - I thought as desccriber of the message, I was responsible for its delivery, she got more and more nervous the less she was dominating and controlling that delivery... or something!!

Good discussion - I hope it helps.

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