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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I cheated

19 replies

alexiamay123 · 20/01/2011 16:55

I have been going out with my bf for 5 years. when i was away once i got drunk and had sex with someone else. I don't remember much about the night except that i remember saying I didn't want to. It was the biggest regret of my life and i wish it never happened. A few months later i discovered i was pregnant. Not wanting to tell my bf i kept the fact i had cheated a secret. So i pretended to be a happy family i gave birth to my child and was convinced it was my bf's. Although i have thought about the lie every day and torture myself with it. 2 years later i had a second child by my bf. I found out a few weeks later the person i cheated with had died. Soon after i started getting depressed due to the fact i had kept this secret for so long and felt so guilty and bad about it. He started noticing there was something wrong so in the end i caved and told him the secret. He is so upset and wants a paternity test, not sure if we can stay together if he can get his head around it. i know its all my fault and i should have told him before my child was born. advice?

OP posts:
emmyloulou · 20/01/2011 17:01
Biscuit
TheDevilAndTheDeepBlueSea · 20/01/2011 17:09

Why the biscuit, emmylou? Surely this is a feasible post?

BluddyMoFo · 20/01/2011 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 20/01/2011 17:11

OP it sounds like you were raped. have you spoken to anyone about this? you could speak to rape crisis. WRT your partner, does he know that you didn't want to have sex with this man?

BluddyMoFo · 20/01/2011 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alexiamay123 · 20/01/2011 17:13

think so.. just wondering if anyone think's we can get back from there.

OP posts:
alexiamay123 · 20/01/2011 17:14

yeah he knows but i don't like to call it rape as the guy died so it would disgrace his memory as i dont really remember what went on.

OP posts:
DeidreBarlow · 20/01/2011 17:15

I think you will have to wait for the outcome of the paternity test and then take it from there. Would your partner be open to some relationship counselling?

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 20/01/2011 17:15

you think so what? that he knows it wasn't consentual?

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 20/01/2011 17:17

sorry, xpost.

rape is rape, regardless of whether the perpertrator died during or after.

i think teh first thing is to get teh paternity results. and then sit down and talk it through. no one here knows you or your DH so we can't say whether he will want to go on from thsi or whether he will want to end things.

DeidreBarlow · 20/01/2011 17:17

he is probably reeling from the shock that the child might not be his.

You need to speak to someone about this, drunk or not and him dead or not. If you were raped this isn't your fault and nothing you did or didn't do could have changed what happened.

alexiamay123 · 20/01/2011 17:20

Yeah he is destroyed by it. thats the first time iv seen him cry. I'm not sure it was rape but i have been messed up since it happened. The person i feel most sorry for is my child.

OP posts:
IAmReallyFabNow · 20/01/2011 17:20

If you found out a few months later you were pregnant, were you a few months gone?

alexiamay123 · 20/01/2011 17:22

yeah the dates of conception are too close to call of who's the father. but the child is very like my boyfriend

OP posts:
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 20/01/2011 17:32

you need to do the test, for the child's sake and so that your boyfriend can make a decision based on the truth of it.

Lulumaam · 20/01/2011 17:39

whether you test or not, your boyfriend is upset and this will potentially destroy you anyway.. with him wondering if the child is his biologically.. evne if he is not hte bio father, he can still be a father and bring the child up

I am sorry for what happened with the other man, regardless of the fact he's passed away, if you did not consetn to sex, he raped you

nappyaddict · 20/01/2011 17:44

Does your boyfriend know it was not consensual?

alexiamay123 · 20/01/2011 18:14

yeah to start with he was sympathetic now he's angry. mostly at himself tho which is worrying

OP posts:
nappyaddict · 20/01/2011 19:21

Do you think he's really angry at the person that didn't listen when you said he didn't want to? I really think some sort of counselling would be good for you, both together and seperately.

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