Don't know what to do now...(sorry, long one)

[MildredTheMagnificent]

Relationship with H has always been a roller coaster (14yrs, married 8, DD 6)but over the last year has gone downhill massively and over the last few months I have come to the conclusion that it would be best for us to go our separate ways.

He does not know (as far as I'm aware) that I'm thinking/feeling this. Tbh we don't really have a relationship anymore as far as I'm concerned. No conversation, affection or respect. He can be controlling, moody and aggresive (in attitude - not violent towards me or DD) if he doesn't get his own way and he in turn is controlled by his mother who he refuses to stand up to, hence me & DD are in effect being controlled by her too.

He is completely uninterested in the people and interests that mean something to me, and although on a day-to-day basis a lot of the issues could be swept under the carpet and we could plod on I am no longer willing to live like this, so...

I saw a solicitor yesterday. She advised me I'd be entitled to 50% of equity in the house, and it would make sense for DD to live with me and he is unlikely to be able to contest that. All good so far, but, she thinks I should stay in the family home until matters are sorted.

I cannot see this being a viable option. I know H will make my life absolute hell and DD will have to live in that atmosphere for months if not years. He and his family are obsessed with money and whilst his parents could help him to buy me out of the property (and I would be more than happy to leave and set up home for me and DD elsewhere) they will prefer to see me penniless, especially if they think it means they can get their hands on DD.

I want to move us into rented accommodation (have CAB appt next week to get advice re benefits and practicalities, I also work p/t) then take it from there, but solicitor thinks he is more likely to drag his heels over financial arrangement. I am sure he will do this anyway and don't see any point in me and DD living in further misery in the meantime.

I have contacted Relate for individual counselling. I think it's unlikely H would attend and if he does it is more likely to be a case of helping us separate amicably (doubtful but worth a try), than resolve things.

WWYD?

It might help to chat to Women's Aid, see what they say.

Myself and DC lived in the same house as Ex for 6 months while we tried to find a new home, and it was hell. He made things as difficult as possible, aimed a lot of stuff at the kids as he knew it was the best way to hurt me, and it was just a horrible, horrible time. So I'd say get out as soon as you can for your own and your daughter's peace of mind, but you have to do what feels right to you.

Thanks guys!

For a start I don't think he'd let me just leave with DD in tow without a fight.

I know he had a girlfriend living with him years ago b4 we got together and when he wanted to to finish it and she didn't he made a pita of himself til she packed her bags (it was a v. silly relationship on both sides to be fair, but even so...)

Atmosphere is bad enough now. I just think mine & dd's emotional welfare is more important than money, and as I've said am sure he will drag his heels and be awkward about money anyway. Perhaps even more so if by doing nothing he thinks it will prevent me moving out with DD.

tattie - sorry your ex was a nightmare. Are you and your dc's doing ok now?

I think you're right - your emotional well-being and that of your DD is much more important than the money, and yes, he'll drag that out too if he thinks it will make you stay. For the six months that we were all stuck in the same house, ex was paying the bills but wouldn't pay a penny towards the girls.

He once took them to the supermarket with him, and when DD1 asked for some yoghurts, he said he couldn't buy them because 'Mum is responsible for buying all your food now', and that was when living in the same house! So I think your money issues will be more quickly solved once you're away.

Yes, we're doing much better now thanks it's lovely to be able to relax and no longer have the horrible atmosphere that used to take over when he got home. It's horrible going through it, but worth it to make you and DD happier.

Definitely talk to Women's Aid: it should be possible either to get him out of the house or force him to buy you out/sell it and give you your share. If he is a controlling bully, he will get a lot worse when you tell him the relationship is over so it's as well to be fully informed of your rights.

I can protect my rights re house without living in it and force his hand to pay me off via court order if needs be. His parents could afford to pay me off in.one hit, then he could arrange to pay them back however. Tbh I don't want to stay in the family home at all.

Women's Aid seems a pretty hardcore route, although cab have already mentioned emotional abuse when I spoke to them over the phone.

DH has not been all bad over the years, but can't be doing with feeling like I'm walking on eggshells all the time. I have changed and just want more from life than I believe I can have if I stay with him.

I do worry that I'm deluding myself a bit though tbh.

Sorry if I'm not responding v. quickly btw. Am a regular and am flitting between this thread and one where everyone knows me so have to keep changing my name each time I post!

you just described my husband :(

Women's Aid are there for women who are being bullied by their partners. They will not tell you to sod off and stop making a fuss about nothing, nor will they insist that you immediately call the police to have your H dragged out of the house or that you flee with your DC and nothing but what you stand up in. The fact that this man doesn't actually hit you doesn't stop him being abusive if he intimidates you and makes you miserable, which he clearly does.
If you know this man will make your lives miserable and that you can protect your rights in the property without living there, moving out sounds like the best option: you will have to allow contact between H and DC but you don't have to stay in the relationship just because he doesn't want to let you go.

Stuffing - you've pretty much summed up how I feel about leaving. I've no desire to fleece him financially (although obviously I'll make sure I get what I'm entitled to) or damage his relationship with DD - he's a good dad on the whole (a bit nitpicking about certain issues imho, but nothing to worry about).

I feel a lot of his behaviour is linked to his childhood but don't think he is self-aware enough to realise that and am sure he'd be unable and unwilling to acknowledge it and do anything about it. He had a couple of counselling sessions once before and stopped, having come to the conclusion that "I wouldn't have a problem if you didn't piss me off so much" !

Even if he did make the changes I'd need to try again, I think they'd either not last or would cause so much resentment our marriage would fail anyway. I am so tired of being the one that makes the effort - I just want to be free and get on with my life.

re your DH springchick - I read your post - hope you manage to sort him out!