kick up the bum please! (Sorry it's long)

[breasticles]

I'll try to keep this succinct. Broke up with DP approx 6 months ago after 10 years together (been friends for 17) I initiated the breakup as I felt for about 2 years that he just didn't love me - no affection, he got irritated if I was ill, used to roll eyes at me when I spoke, took no interest in my friends, family etc (loads more but there's no point) We grew apart, despite the fact I loved him very much. I suggested relate to him for about a year but he refused. I took this to mean he didn't care, so felt I had no option but to move on. Around this point, I read his private messages, I'm not proud of this, it's dreadful behaviour, my irrational justification was to find any clue to how he really felt about me.

Anyway, he moved out, lives local. We have a 5 yr old DD, she spends her time between the 2 homes. The situation has been really amicable and respectful. We've got on better than we have for years, we have managed to rebuild our friendship. And we spent most of Christmas/New Year all together as a family.

A complicating factor is that I have been off work for 4 months, diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome. This has left me feeling stir crazy, lonely, my self esteem has been affected.

Well around Christmas, I felt that I had fallen back in love with him again. Probably rose tinted glasses but the separation enabled us to see the best in each other. I foolishly thought we could work things out. This is where it gets mental... Instead of asking him outright, or just taking things naturally, I looked on his facebook page again (I know, I'm screaming at myself!!) and there I saw messages that he's clearly embarking on a relationship with someone else who lives over 200 miles away.

I begged him to let us try to work things out but he said no.

The rational part of me knows that it wouldn't have worked. I also know that I have turned into a complete bunny boiler and my behaviour wouldn't be out of place on the Jeremy Kyle Show but I'm hurting so much, I feel like my heart's been ripped out (but that does not excuse the way I've acted). I've been so horrible to him, he doesn't deserve it. He's really a good man, a good Dad and I wish him well. I know I have so many issues I need to work on and have arranged to see a counsellor.

I need to sort my head out, not just for me but for my little girl.

Any slaps/advice greatly appreciated.

I'm sorry that you're hurting so much.
It does sound like you're being pretty hard on yourself.
Loneliness, separation, illness, Christmas etc can all play havoc with our emotions.
It sounds like the rational part of your brain knows what is best for you. You had the guts to initiate the break up in the first place and you have been making your life work since then.

You had a slight lapse over Christmas and thought you might have fallen back in love with him, but your rational side still knows that it probably wouldn't work.
I'm sorry that you found out indirectly that he is starting a new relationship, but that's probably for the best. He probably wouldn't have treated you any better than the first time around.

It's great that you've arranged to see a counsellor and that you're taking active steps to get yourself back on track.
Don't beat yourself up about it all. Put it all down to experience and move on.
Good luck!

Just to add, 6 months isn't such a long time in the whole scheme of things.
It's natural to still feel bruised and sensitive after that amount of time.

you are very hard on yourself. No slap just a big hug.

You deserve a happier life annd to be with someone who loves you more.

Hi RuthChan, thank you so much for taking the time to reply and writing such thoughtful words. Take care.

And to you MigratingCoconuts. Love the name by the way ;)

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Hi breasticles,

I am wondering how much your general health is contributing to your anger and hurt. I have also suffered from a CFS-type illness and found anger management went out the window at that time. I may be barking totally up the wrong tree. Do you feel you are getting the right support with your CFS, and do you feel you understand what is causing it? Happy to compare notes if not.

ditto breasticles

Hi balena, thanks for that.

I definitely know that being unwell has affected my mood. There have been days recently when I can't even lift my arms! My muscles hurt all over, frequent headaches, vertigo, insomnia and can sometimes do barely more than stand without needing to lie down for an hour! I saw my GP today to ask her to refer me to a specialist service, she asked me to hang fire as I've had a few 'good' days. As I was so upset re op, I was not able to push it with her but I will. I'm worried that the stress from all this will lead to another 'crash' so I'm trying to pace etc, do my relaxation stuff. It's easy to see why I may have gone off the rails a bit!

How are you doing now, balena. Are you completely well, or have you learned to manage it?

CFS is such a broad term that we may have had very different causes and experiences; there can be a different mix of physical and psychological factors. Mine was very much related to stress and the exhaustion that comes from being excessively stressed over a long period of time. My symptoms were extreme fatigue, mental fuzziness, inability to concentrate or remember things, being extremely quick to get violently angry, total lack of emotional resilience, extremely low blood pressure, insomnia, chest pain and nervous sensitivity (what in the past people might have called 'weak nerves').

I don't think I can be completely well while I am in my current stressful profession, so I am considering not returning to it after the birth of my child (I am 36 weeks pregnant). I found that the things that really helped me to manage it were diet and exercise. In terms of diet, I found stabilising my blood sugar levels and avoiding high glycaemic index foods, caffeine and alcohol really helped. This is specifically because I came to the conclusion my problems probably stemmed from endochrine factors (low thyroid (formally diagnosed) and adrenal fatigue (not diagnosed)), but this might not be relevant to you.

This might not seem obvious, but the other thing that really helped me "sort my head out" was acupuncture. I don't really understand it, but you don't need to be a subscriber to any underlying philosophy for it to benefit you. It helped me gain a sense of how different parts of my body and psyche were interconnected and how harmful thought patterns over a number of years may have contributed. I was calmer and more balanced afterwards.

I don't know if any of this chimes with you or helps ... it is somewhat tangential to your original message perhaps!

PS it is good that you have a GP who at least acknowledges you have a real problem that needs help. I was not insistent enough and regret that. I would really encourage you to be politely assertive and prepared in any dealings with your GP.