This is somewhere between a Relationships/WWYD/AIBU post, so I thought I'd try here first... it's also very long, sorry!
I met this guy about 10 years ago through a shared hobby. He's gay - the relevance of this is that there is no sexual element to this relationship whatsoever, I have no feelings for him on that level, he definitely doesn't fancy me! I got on with him well on a superficial, chatty level, he seemed to think we were made for each other and proceeded to bombard me with invites to things, lifts home (unfortunately we live quite close together) where we diverted to his place to meet his partner 'ooh, you have to meet LC' type of thing, he is very charming when on form, and initially I thought he was just being (very) friendly. I'm quite friendly myself, so I went along with it.
Then slowly over the next 5 years he started trying to insinuate himself and his partner into other areas of my life. Nothing particularly sinister, but they would invite us to things and wouldn't take no for an answer (in a very charming way), would ask us what we were doing at Christmas/Easter etc and the first time I was stupid enough to tell the truth they ended up inviting themselves round(!), many other such incidents. I find it hard to say 'no' to people, especially when they keep on with 'why?' and don't just take no for an answer!
Due to our shared hobby we have a lot of mutual friends, and I found that I would mention something to them in conversation, then when I next saw him, he would already know all about it, passing little comments in a 'knowing' sort of way - can't exactly put into words how annoying and creepy this is, but it really gets under my skin - I became aware over the years that he is very good at subtly wheedling information out of people, as he's done it to me too. And spreading downright lies about people he dislikes.
Now, in the course of getting to know him and his partner better, I realised that his partner was deeply, deeply racist, sexist and anti-semitic. I called him on it if he said anything in my presence, he was always very apologetic but then the next time I'd see them he (the partner) would do it again. They also drooled all over DH in a way that made him at first amused and then uncomfortable.
I started distancing myself from them at that point, but it was difficult with knowing so many mutual people and he always made a beeline for me whenever he saw me.
When DD was born they kept hinting about being godparents and/or coming to the baptism (over my dead body!) - that one I did stand firm on! - but I did it by ignoring all hints and when he asked me point blank when and where the christening was (on the pretext of getting DD a gift) I told him it was a very small ceremony, family only. Which was a total lie, but I really did not want him and his partner there.
We continued distancing ourselves and heard very little from them. Phew!
Then when DD was a year old, his partner died in very unexpected circumstances. He rang me up in hysterics, as I was on M/L and only round the corner I went round and stayed with him until another friend could come and be with him, as he was in bits. He was very depressed for a while, and I felt very sorry for him, and as it had been his partner who was the vocally repulsive one, I suppose I hoped that he was not the same.
That was 5 years ago. I have come to the conclusion in the last 2 years that he is using his bereavement as a stick to beat people with and get away with saying and doing the most outrageous things. He is rude, judgemental, extremely self-absorbed, just as racist/sexist/anti-semitic as his partner ever was, horrendously right wing - we just don't have anything in common beyond the shared hobby. I have tried to distance myself again but he won't let go. If I'm talking to someone else he will either come up and interrupt or else call 'LC, LC, LC' at me until I look at him and then say something utterly stupid and irrelevant like 'have you lost weight?' (chance'd be a fine thing...) - it's like he's a 4 year old in his need for attention. He is also vilely bitchy about friends behind their backs and I know damn well he's done it to me too.
He is one of those 'yes, but' people - he will moan on at me about how lonely and miserable he is, but do nothing to help himself. I'm not the only one exasperated with him on this count. I suggested to him that he might be depressed, he refuses to countenance this, it's all some 'other' fault or problem, never him - currently it's that he's being bullied at work - trust me, this man is incapable of being bullied!
He is also using DD as an excuse to keep in touch with us - buying her presents all the time, trying to be "uncle xx" with her, even though she can't stand him (out of their presence he goes on at length about how much he hates children, and tbh there is something a wee bit creepy about him being so ingratiating with her, which I think she picks up on!) I then feel beholden to him, which I have come to believe is his intention. He bought her a huge present last year, unasked for, we didn't get him anything (don't do presents for adults) and I heard back from a mutual friend that he'd been bitching about this to all and sundry!)
And now... he buttonholed me last night and said DH and I have to meet with him as he's making a will and leaving "a lot of money" to DD. I told him not to, he said he has no-one else to leave it to since xxx died and we must be his executors.
I am thinking that this is just another way of trying to control our relationship (since a pretty unforgiveable incident before Christmas I am madly trying to distance myself from him, have told him I think his behaviour is unacceptable (he tells me it's not his fault, he's not well...) and have been very businesslike in my dealings with him) and I don't want him to have any 'claim' over DD or my family by this. I know damn well that he's going to go around telling everyone what he's done, so if I do then break our 'friendship', I'll look like a right cow.
Can anyone give me some advice on how to deal with this? I hate being rude to people but he always, always has an answer to any polite excuse I give him and just saying 'no' (I've tried it!), and unfortunately I am taking over his role on a committee and need him to sign stuff over to me, which I don't believe he'll do if I affront him (he has form on this one!).
But I really, really cannot begin to describe how creepy he makes me feel and how suffocating his behaviour is - it's so subtle, if I gave an example I doubt you'd think it was anything at all, but taken together... aargh!
I really want nothing to do with him or his money, how can I get this across? Can you actually refuse to be a beneficiary of a will? I don't think you can, can you? I know we can refuse to be executors and I will tell him that if he insists on DD being a beneficiary then we won't be execs as it's a conflict of interest, but I would much rather he didn't leave her a bean and got his fingers out of our family!
If you made it to the end of that, thank you! :)