All very complicated

[Smanfer71]

H and I split 4 months ago (at my instigation following another argument). I didn't realise it at the time, but I had been emotionally abused throughout my marriage and probably before. I was constantly walking on eggshells and really not happy. We have a 4 year old girl.

Since then I have been very up and down. I feel desperately sad for DD who won't grow up with both parents under the same roof, and personally grieving for the relationship I tried so hard to work at but failed.

Even now I just want to get back with him and have another child. Long term I know I won't be happy because he will be just as controlling and not help around the house and blame me for everything.

Everyone around me could see how unhappy I was with him and how I would be watching everything he says so as not to embarrass me. He alienated my family from me and we had to spend a huge amount of time with his side.

He fell out with his (recently found) brother because he was spending time with me and DD (as well as H). I still see his brother and we get on very well, day to day and emotionally. He is very supportive and I think there's a chemistry there. We have a great time when we're together, but when we are apart, I just want to put walls up and not carry on. He has said he is prepared to wait for me. I know if anything bad happened or if I was in trouble he'd be by my side like a shot.

Apparently I am being insensitive in continuing to see him, but H within weeks of our split was on dating websites. I also found out that he had been in text conversations with three different women at all hours whilst we were still together.

I find myself being very scared of H and cannot articulate myself very well when I am around him (and yet I can do this with everyone else). It's like I'm still trying to please him by not wanting to hurt him and moving on and being happy with my own life.

If I am the briefest bit happy, I then find myself on a downer thinking how I shouldn't be happy, and feeling guilty that I have been. And like I've done something wrong.

At the moment I cannot see a way out of this rut and I do hate feeling like this. All I ever wanted was a loving, safe, happy family unit but I never got that. And now that looks further and further away, and my H is still controlling everything I do.

I wish I could get angry at him, but I don't really do angry. I'm not sure where to go from here. I know that our relationship wouldn't work, so I won't get back with him, but I need to fix myself and be stronger around him, and I'm not sure how to do that.

I have no experience of controlling or abusive relationships, but I didn't want to read this and not post support.

I do know a bit about depression and anxiety. Perhaps you would benefit from counselling? Perhaps talk to your GP.

I'm worried that you're scared of your H. Suggest keeping contact to a bare miniumum?

Finally, your H's brother. That sounds like a whole can of worms you don't need right now. I'm not sure I'd be ready for a new relationship so soon, would you be better on your own for a while to resolve all your emotions around the end of your marriage? But surely it doesn't make sense to enter into a new relationship with DBIL of all people - you'd still be linked to your H for evermore (I mean even more so that through your DD).

Hope you feel better, and get more constructive advice, soon.

Hopefully someone else will be along with a link but you could try googling Freedom Programme in your area. Basically, someone who has been abused by a partner often has a lot of trouble sorting out her boundaries and feelings (abusers inflict their own warped and nasty worldview on you, whether they are physically violent or whether it's just ('just' FFS, how horrid is that?) psychological torture.
You may well need a little bit of professional help to sort your head out.
Best of luck. You did the right thing in dumping the fucker's sorry arse.

I'll second the Freedom programme. It's brilliant and they'll really help you move forward. Counselling would be good too. I'd also be very wary about his brother at this time.

Smanfer71: This might sound impossible and crazy, but I'm a man who's been in the situation you describe (this does happen!) and I recognise almost everything you say. My advice is to trust yourself. There is no one more trustworthy about yourself than you.

Smanfer, my abusive H passed away and even a year later I sometimes find myself realising, even now, that I can do something that I previously couldn't for fear of 'upsetting' him, as I still hear his voice in my head.

I am now free and so are you, but you still need lots of time. Living with someone who makes you feel that way, you develop a method of coping which goes deep into your subconcious.

You have not failed, in fact extracting yourself and DD from this type of relationship IMO is exactly the opposite and if he hadn't behaved in such a way you would not have had to do so - I doubt that he feels failure yet he has created the situation and failed in his ability to take good care of his family.

You must be very strong to have got this far, don't lose sight of that.

Thank you for your replies.

I have emailed regarding the Freedom Programme. It looks very good.

BIL is a whole can of worms and I'm already aware that any relationship with him would tie me to H even more so. I am trying to distance myself from him, even though he has been very kind and supportive to me (he sounds just like the last chapter in the Freedom Programme book!).