Need help with what to say. (Mum related)

[TottWriter]

Okay, so this is an ongoing thing, some of you may remember, others, probably not so much.

My mum has a track record of being quite controlling and overbearing, and is a very dominant person, and has caused a big rift between herself and DP (as well as his family).

It's coming to a head as DP and I are getting married in the autumn and he has given me the courage to say something to her about her own behviour and what I want to change about our relationship (i.e., for her to stop criticising the way I live my life and the decisions I make, and for her to make more of an actual effort to be nice to DP beyond a thin veneer of politeness masking disapproval)

I've been chatting to my sister about this (she still lives with my mum) and how I could word it, as my mum has been through the mill somewhat with my Stepfather having an affair and her having rather poor health recently. Also, given that I get on well with my siblings who both live with her, I really don't want a massive, lingering argument to start. Well, I am anticipating an argument (if someone points out that she is wrong she lashes out verbally as a kind of offensive defence) but I don't want a feud that interrupts me calling ht house sometimes. Plus I want this to heal over and me to have a better relationship with her.

So, basically, I'm looking for advice on how to say it. My sister has given me pointers on areas to aim for and specific events to focus on or leave out, butI just have no idea how to start the conversation, or how to put into words what I think without making her try to shut me down right away.

It has to be over the phone - she's too far for me to visit, and my sister came out in a letter a few years ago and to say that went down poorly would be an understatement. My mum was massively hurt that she felt unable to say it out loud.

oh dear. so not only do you feel wary of saying anything but you can't say it how you'd like re in a letter.

bcs I wonder if a letter (or the written word re email?) would possibly be the better way to put it to her - and a conversation over the phone puts you under a lot of pressure to get the wording right (unless you have a script in front of you). It's not an ideal way to do it tbh.

that said, a letter can be incredibly hurtful if it is full of bile and attacking. letters like that should never be sent imo as they do so much damage - imo a letter should be used to keep the bile out, not use it as an opportunity to fling very hurtful things in isolation.

actually, a 'script' may not be a bad idea, as I would suggest writing a letter 'to' her - one you intend to send iyswim. writing a letter you intend to send focuses the mind, you can be more succinct. write it and edit it until you feel the wording is exactly what you would like and is said in a way you would like. that way, when you talk to her, you will know your stuff. ok, you do know your stuff already, but emotions can blind things and to get it in black and white so to speak is a good way to keep it rational. then edit it right down, take out attacking statements, so it is short and to the point, without being attacking or hurtful.

I would suggest you don't attack but use 'me' phrases re: "when you blah, I feel blah". it's an old therapy trick but it does take out the sting when some difficult things need to be said. mind you, no matter how carefully worded, some people on the receiving end dive off the deep end regardless how carefully you try to say it. it sounds like your mum could be one of those.

it doesn't sound like she likes confrontation of any kind tbh. with people like this it is good to make statements and to keep things short. re 'I am offended when you treat dp with no respect and would like you to stop', 'I feel controlled when you...'. she clearly thinks she is in the right re dp (and his family) so try not to get into a wrangle about the ins and outs of what happened - just state that you would like/expect her to treat dp with respect. It sounds like she is trying to, but only you will know if she is genuine? does she feel she has been supported by you re dp and his family (sorry, impossible to know the ins and outs from the outside re she could feel is the wronged party in all this).

she's obviously had a rough time of it lately and may not appreciate being tackled over this, as you suspect. but there we go, maybe the time has come to say your piece. just try not to beat her with it iyswim? things said in anger can be incredibly damaging to a relationship, so try not to get angry (easier said than done).

that said, domineering/prickly people sometimes need to be pulled up short re "fuck off/stop it mother". but only you can know if this is appropriate LOL.

btw can the 'talk' wait until you next see one another?

waffling a bit here. good luck!

(sorry, impossible to know the ins and outs from the outside re she could feel she is the wronged party in all this).