Alcoholic DH and 3 young children - what to do

[Anjelika]

I have a DS who's almost 4 and DTs aged 9 months. My DH has always liked a drink but since the DTs came along (and he's been at home full time) this has escalated to bouts of drinking behind my back during the daytime, to the point where he falls asleep at anything from 6pm onwards. Xmas was a total nightmare - Xmas Eve he was out for the count from 4pm and Xmas Day from 1pm, resurfacing both times around 10pm. He gave up drinking (yet again) on New Years Day but within 11 days was back to his old ways. This time he is totally denying drinking (vodka is his daytime tipple)and is claiming he's just very tired (to explain why he falls asleep every evening early on) and that maybe he's not eating enough to explain why he is slurring his words and staggering about! It is unreal and I feel like I'm living in this mad world. The next morning he's always as nice as pie, helping out with the kids and taking DS out then every afternoon it all goes pear shaped. I just don't know what to do - it's easy for everyone to say "leave him" as this has been going on for some time now but I don't think I could cope with the kids on my own and I have no family support nearby. Has anyone else put up with a simialr situation until their DCs were a bit older and they felt they could cope? My only plan at the moment is to divorce him when the DTs are 2 (so not till Apr 2012) and get an au-pair in to help out. Is this madness?

ARepleteHmmSkiNun the op has asked for advice not to have more responsibility heaped upon her. To imply that she can cure the alcohololism of her husband by looking into his eyes is preposterous and unhelpful.

Morning snorbs. Sorry about your experience.

It is not possible to 'cure' anyone of anything by 'loving' them unless the afflicted person is prepared to put effort in on his/her own behalf (or has access to relevant medical treatment and a good constitution, in the case of physical afflictions).

I am going through a similar thing at the moment, my DP is going through detox which he started at the end of october. He did pretty well for a couple of months but things seem to be declining just lately. I too posted a question on here an the majority of answers were 'leave him'. Leave him isnt my answer, thats a last resort, if you feel you cant take any more, if he gets violent etc. My partner used to dink though the day from when he woke up to when he would fall asleep, like you say about 6ish. I found there is nothing you can do to help him until he realises he has a problem, while he is in denile he wont do anything about it. I found this ( an i know most people who read this wont agree) I just left him to drink himself to sleep eveyday. I carried on as if he wasnt there, i did all my daily things by myself, went out to see my friends and totally left him out. This took a while until he got to the point where he found himself sittin in the kitchen all day on his own. Only then did he admit he had a problem, then it took weeks at Aquarius an a home detox to stop him drinking, bear in mind he had been drinking heavily everyday from the age of 15 ( hes now 34) After he agreed he had a problem it was said, by him, that i take the money so he couldnt just go to the shop and buy more. Until he agrees he has a problem there is nothing you can do, but live your own life.

Well, as someone whose husband made the choice to stop drinking after a horrible conversation where i asked him honestly if alcohol meant more to him than us, I can see where Areplete is coming from. Of course, the op can't solve his drink problem but she can talk about it with him.

If he will not take responsibility after the |O|p has laid it on the line then... agree with vixy, 'until he admits he has a problem, nothing you can do but live your own life'

adair i did the same, i picked up each can saying heres your son finishing college, first girlfriend, married, grandchildren an so on until i had a stack of them, then pointed out he'll never get to see any of it because he'll be dead by the time it happens if he carries on drinking, but not to worry as hes got all the beer he wants. I also pointed out that DP wittnessed his dad drinking all through his childhood an he has turned out the same that history shows us his DS will most likely grow up thinking its normal an do exactly the same.

Thanks for all your responses. I guess I just have to accept that I can't change him and that it really does have to come from him. I'm fed up with all the energy this takes out of me - I'm constantly sneaking around the house trying to catch him out and as a result rarely feel fully focused on my kids. It's such a bloody horrible situation. I'm afraid that leaving him really isn't an option - I have nowhere for me and the 3 DCs to go and, in any case, why should we leave the family home? I have asked DH to just leave until he sorts himself out numerous times but he refuses to leave. I did seek legal advice in the summer but the only option to get him out would really be divorce. He is OK in the mornings - literally falling over himself to be helpful and take DS out etc - this morning for example he baked a cake with DS and made us a stew for dinner tonight. I'm not trying to make excuses, I'm not that stupid. I'm sorry but I can't face being on my owns with 3 DCs right now so think my best option is to put up and shut up until I feel I can. Saying that, I'd be interested in any coping strategies that others in this situation have come up with - trying to reason with or argue with DH when drunk is just a waste of time so what do others do when they realise their DH has been drinking? My instinct is to just ignore him until the morning when he's sober.

Must go - baby crying.

Anjelika

Anjelika thank you for your post, you aren't alone in your situation. No, mine is not exactly the same but it is similar. My DCs are 3 & 4 and I just can't put up with it anymore. I have a plan and when i have summoned up just a bit more courage I am leaving (with my children - always). We don't need an adult to look after when we have our little ones too.
Feels like a terrible choice to make, I feel dreadful about it, it haunts me all the time, I never wanted to break up this family.....but I know longer have much of a choice.....

Anjelika, I totally understand how you feel. If you don't feel you can do it now, then maybe you can get the ball rolling. Think about what you need in the future and work towards that.

Coping strategies? Thankfully I don't live at home anymore but ignoring would be the only thing that works for me. If I receive a drunken phone call, I hang up immediately. I want nothing to do with it.

Whatever the other OP said sounds good though. Ignore him. Dont reward your husbands efforts in the morning. Why should he be doing stuff to pay off his guilt and it all goes back to shits in the evening.

I hope you can get some support from someone. Even if its a support group for dependants. It will help to talk.

Anjelika

re your comment:-

"I have nowhere for me and the 3 DCs to go and, in any case, why should we leave the family home? I have asked DH to just leave until he sorts himself out numerous times but he refuses to leave. I did seek legal advice in the summer but the only option to get him out would really be divorce"

You should not have to leave the family home. Your DH refuses to leave as well because he finds it more convenient to stay.
He does not have to take any responsibility because someone else (you) is doing all that.
BTW he will not "sort himself out" because at present he does not want to. There are no guarantees re alcoholism; he could well lose everything and still drink. You are still not responsible for him.

Is divorce really such an awful option to contemplate?. You have young children, you do not need a selfish alcoholic manchild to take care of as well because he is now using you as his crutch.

He being nice (preparing meals and being sober in the morning)is far too little and far too late. He reverts to type soon enough.

Consider this too. What are you both teaching your children about relationships here?. Your relationship is not healthy and you are both imparting damaging lessons to them.

I would also suggest you read "Codependent No more" written by Melodie Beattie as there are often such elements within these types of dysfunctional relationships.

Putting up and shutting up will cost you dear ultimately and April 2012 is still over a year away. He will continue to drag you all down with him just as he is doing now; this will not get any better for you as time passes. You write this about
yourself, "I'm constantly sneaking around the house trying to catch him out and as a result rarely feel fully focused on my kids".
You are forgetting one of the 3cs re alcoholism here - you cannot control it so stop trying to!.

It is only when you are free of him will you perhaps wonder why you did not get out sooner. You can and frankly should make a better life for yourself and your children - you have the power to do that.

Al-anon will talk to you over the phone; you do not have to attend a meeting. They also have some helpful literature. Do call them, they are very helpful to family members of problem drinkers.

You definately shouldn't have to leave the family home. When I was seeking legal advice you can get an occupation order through the courts to give you and the children to be in the house and not your DH.

I think what I found useful leading up to my split was to keep saying to my ex (when he was sober) that if he didn't stop drinking then we could not keep going on. And that if that happens then he would be the one who would have to leave for the sake of his DC. Put the guilt trip on him that he shouldn't force his DC out for his own selfish needs. I did sugar this pill with "but if you stop drinking it won't come to that"

I then gave him a ultimatum when he was disgustingly drunk on my DS1's 6th Birthday. - This is your last warning if you don't stop drinking then its over and you will have to leave.

He managed 6 weeks and his drunken binge coincided with his sister coming to stay with us from America. Seeing what I lived with through her eyes and her support that it must end made me tell him to leave. First he stayed with friends before finding a place to rent. I never ever thought I would see that day.

As for coping strategies in living with an alcoholic I found that I pretty much lived my life as if I was a single mum. I organised my day/outings etc as if he didn't exist. I totally ignored him as much as I could. And if he happened to be sober to join in our lifes then that was a bonus.

I wish I had shared my pain, talked to friends and let everyone know what was going on but I kept it all hidden as that was what he wanted. Once we split I found being able to talk to friends and family was so helpful.

LmO - I know it is an incredibly difficult decision to make and I still feel that it is such a shame - but you have to remember you are not breaking up a good family unit but a damaged one. One of my friends said at least you had a good reason to split, which sounded really peculiar but she meant splitting for the sake of the children not just for your own desires etc.

I also think it is easier for children to deal with the younger they are. My DS2 was 4 when we split (he's 6 now) and he appears to be much more comfortable with it just be us 3 at home. DS1 was 6 and has definately been more affected, talks more about when dad was at home and the bad things he did, worries if he sees anyone drinking and is determined he is only going to drink milk and water for the rest of his life.

My mother in law brought up three children (one of them disabled) with an alcoholic husband, my dhs stepdad.

Of course, with alcoholism, he could not hold down any job, so like in your family, dad was at home (drinking) and looking after the kids, and mum was working. Always worried about what happened at home. Everything was fine on the surface. She was frantically looking for his stash, emptying it out into the sink. But of course, this just meant that even more of her hard earned cash went into drink, for as soon as she had emptied a bottle, he would buy more. In the end she gave up. In the end his liver gave up, and she was widowed at 50.

Have you ever thought into the future, you are keeping and enabling an alcoholic. You are okaying his behaviour, supporting him financially. Your children grow up damaged, because trust me they will cotton on, and be ashamed of their dad, their home, their mum for her inability to act. Angry at their mum for a ruined childhood, and later on angry because of their OWN screwed up views upon adulthood, responsibility, and not least their view on family dynamics. I know, because my father did also have problems with alcohol at one point.

And the neighbours will cotton on, start making excuses, and say about your husband "well, he is an alcoholic, of course, what can you expect from that family....." because neighbours talk.
And when your oldest start reception and wants to bring home playdates, and the other mums are not forthcoming, thinking "can't let my child go and play at the home of an alcoholic".

This choice you are making about doing sod all, nothing, nada, zilch with the situation, is a choice you are making for your children, and it is not fair on them. You are choosing for your children to live with alcoholism. Is that the best they can get?

Your husband may well recover, but not as long as you are letting him ruin his and your children's lives. Not as long as you are enabling his behaviour, because he has no reason to stop. Life is comfortable for him now. Make it uncomfortable. Serve him divorce papers, and kick him out. That, if anything, might spur him into action.

Some painful messsages (esp the last 2) to read but they have really hit home for me, thank you.
Yes I am keeping and enabling an alcoholic and sadly I am badly letting my children down by doing this.
This is definitely not the best my kids can get.

Quint - that was my childhood. Even extended family gave us a wide berth and we (me and my sibs) left the small village we came from and moved far away as soon as we were old enough. Maybe subconsciously to shrug off this feeling of inadequacy/being judged.

Never posted on MN before (tho' it used to be my Bible), just searching generally on web for children of alcoholics, and came across this. I've been living with an alcoholic for many years, enabling, ignoring, hoping for improvements,and ever open to persuasion. I like to think I'm optimistic but actually I think it's just cowardice. My DH is unusual in that he has had all the help that money can buy - but remains a "problem drinker". Doesn't like the term alcoholic, and I have learned not to waste energy arguing about his drinking, particularly when he has been drinking (which I think is every night, tho usually after I've gone to bed).

Anyway, from my perspective, although it must be an enormous step to leave, if you stay you run the risk of your DC developing difficult relationships both with alcohol and with relationships generally. My DS discovers little bottles of vodka in the strangest of places; the DDs are let down by a still-over-the-limit dad unable to drive. We're all living on eggshells. I wish I had gone before these problems were obvious to them; how I handle it now is going to inform how they deal with problems and what they tolerate or do in their personal lives. And what they think of me, never mind him! The older they get, the more obvious this seems to me.

Hope this doesn't sound preachy - obviously in no position to, as I ready myself to passively-aggressively accept all excuses when he turns up (tomorrow), and put off the inevitable.

I have an alcoholic father who my mum split with when i was 18 mths old. Although I have always seen him I'm glad she did what she did as he has got progressively worse over the yrs, whereas she has moved on, found a new partner and made something of her life. I am glad that I can't remember the misery my mum must have been going through and that she didn't put up with it for years. Don't stop him seeing the dc's tho, he is still their dad and they deserve to know who he is, despite his faults.

So many painful stories here.

Anjelika, the only thing which stopped my exH's drinking was me leaving him.

2 years on and we are all in a much better place, I no longer have that sick-to-my-stomach feeling I used to get when I realised he was drunk again, nor do I spend my days crying and reading the AA website trying to find a reason to convince me he was an alcoholic.

It took me 2 years to work up the courage to end my marraige but I'm so glad I did it when my kids were still very young.

ExH is a great father now and a good friend to me. If we were still married I am certain that nothing would have changed.

oops, that should say "convince me he wasn't an alcoholic".

Not read all the posts but you CAN do it alone and be happier I promise, my DC were 7, 5 and 7 weeks when I can home to find house being re-possessed he had hidden all the post had no idea.

At the time it was a shock and devasting now 7 years later I look back and realise if it hadn't have happened that way I probaly would have stayed forever as my confidence had been dragged out of me.

He still the same but my kids are doing amazingly and I am proud to say I have raised them and we made it.

my friend chose to stay with an alcoholic husband, in reality because she liked her lifestyle more than she hated her OHs behaviour

as a direct consequence, the kids have no time for their father now, hold him in contempt and dont speak to him. I assume they have a bit of contempt for their mum as well, choosing her large house over their happiness :(

I separated from my alcoholic husband in August. Can't say I have looked back since. Don't bother doing what I did and trying to make it work, I wasted 10 years of my life doing that and got no where fast.