Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Want to explain my mane and really need advice

37 replies

horridmum · 06/10/2005 23:17

I am a lurker more than anything else. I started a thread some days ago and just as I got to the end I decided not to post because I guess I was still irritable and possibly still in anger. Now that has subsided and I now have a quiet house and am settling down with a glass of wine. So will try and be as calm as possible which is what I should be except for DD1. She is a challenge to me anyway. I don't even know how to start things.

We have always had a difficult relationship. No matter what I say she will not do what I ask her and she knows how to push my buttons all the time. The other three are no problem at all, it is just her. She angers me to the point of screaming. She annoys the others. She is loved by all others outside of the home, a typical "street angel, home devil" and it maddens me to call to her friends houses and their mums to say "oh she is such a good girl" when at home she is a total nightmare.

I end up screaming most of the time at her, something I don't want to do but I just boil to a certain point and then it is just explosion time. DH is always telling me to ignore but it is difficult.

I do love her to bits but I really think I am in danger of ending up hating her and that is an absolutely horrid thing to say. And I worry about her going forward, she is 9 now so what will she be like in 2,4, 6 years time unless we can resolve things.

I try my best but it just isn't good enough. I feel so hurt when she says the most horrid things to me and I end up feeling so guilty when I let off at her.

This has been ongoing since she was about 3-4.

I am at my wits end, I have tried the nice approach, the praise, the time out, the withdrawing priveleges but it is an "I don't care what you do" attitude.

Why is it just her and none of the others, where have I gone wrong.

Sorry I didn't mean this to be so long. Just thinking aloud.

OP posts:
dweebusdad · 06/10/2005 23:41

Hey
this might sound a bit obvious, but if she's the eldest maybe she's just wanting a bit more attention. The eldest can feel robbed of being the only child and loosing out on time with you. Problem kids - and I don't mean yours - can go to any lengths to get attention, even if its only getting into bother. I do wish you well with dd1, at times I've had to reorder my time to give my eldest dd what appears to be unfair priviledge, but I do know how she can feel.

Original poster
horridmum · 06/10/2005 23:52

Dwee she was the first grandchild on both sides but just for a short time. But she really and truly has had the same if not more attention at times. I really try and treat them equally and will always allow special time for her. Things are great for a while but then the kick back. We don't expect more or less of her than any of the others but the others are so obliging and do things when they are told but she is just the opposite and it is beginning to rub of #2 now, not a lot but a little.

OP posts:
CousinItH · 06/10/2005 23:54

hm, I could have written this a few years ago.

I have 4 kids too and one of them is a daughter who I felt just like this about, right through her childhood - not all the time, but fair to say we would have a run-in every day, and several some days. It started earlier than 3-4 with her - she had a "strong character" from the very beginning. She used to anger me to the point where I screamed so hard my throat used to hurt. (And yes, I used to smack her too, she was smacked far more than the other 3 put together but she always seemed as if she wanted me to do it to make her stop.)

I went through all the wits' end stuff you are going through now, and my DH used to tell me to just let things go too, but most of the time I couldn't. DH was softer than me and nicer to her (felt sorry for her) and I think that kept everything on the rails.

(She was lovely too some of the time though and I'm sure yours is as well .)

Anyway, long story short, she is 20 now and has been living away from home for nearly 2 years, and although she still has that very short fuse she loves to come home now and really really appreciates all of us. She sometimes tells me she thinks I was right to be so firm with her (firm a euphemism sometimes!) because it concentrated her mind. She has some friends who are similar (does your DD?) and their mothers had a tendency to let things go for the sake of a quiet life and she thinks that was wrong for them, because now they expect others to do the same.

She is a lovely girl and I am very proud of her now. I hope your relationship with yours will turn out the same way. Do not despair. (The simple fact that her friends' mothers like her so much shows that you are doing something right you know! With mine I used to feel that she had a limited supply of niceness and used it all up when she was out )

CousinItH · 06/10/2005 23:55

Mine was second daughter btw.

jennifersofia · 07/10/2005 00:01

No answers, just lots and lots of sympathy. I have been thinking about writing a similar thread - my DD1 is 4.5, and we have a bit of a similar dynamic. It is very very difficult, and I too worry about the future.
Does it help if you spend time with just you and her, doing something nice - like a trip out?
Don't think you necessarily have gone wrong - some personal dynamics are just a test, constantly. Not consoling, I know. With my DD I just keep trying to think about how I can keep growing, and also any ways of lateral thinking to get around our normal power control path that we tend to run down.
Wish I could help more, good luck.
(Ps - you don't sound like a horrid mum, but one that is trying to find a solution.)

Original poster
horridmum · 07/10/2005 00:07

Cousin
That was really nice to hear in a funny sort of way, if you know what I mean. In relation to friends being treated like her I would say no, I am probably the strictest. That is a horrid word. I am not strict in the "you can" "you can't do" sort of way, but I wouldn't let bad behaviour pass without some recourse, be it grounding, or sent to her room or whatever. I know that being the eldest is supposed to be the hardest but I am middle and I have certainly suffered "middle child syndrome" to quite an extreme.

But I have to admit I am tired of screaming, and yes, yesterday though I tried hard not to, I smacked her and I ended up shaking and crying cos I didn't set out to do it or mean it.

OP posts:
Original poster
horridmum · 07/10/2005 00:12

Thanks Jen, we do those sort of things and we end up hugging and kissing and "you are the best mum in the world" and 10 mins later all hell breaks loose and we are back to square one again.

Actually just following on from my original thread she really hurt me the other day when I was going to post and didn't. She said I didn't listen to her and have to say that yes I can be guilty of this at times. I just want a turn-a-round but I am tired and fed up of the constant battle.

I love her to bits and she me but I just think there is a missing link and I can't find it.

OP posts:
Original poster
horridmum · 07/10/2005 00:15

Can someone tell me or give me hints into how to be more patient? Because I do think that is my downfall with her.

My other three just take what I say as "said" and are happy go lucky with that and I never have to say things twice. Well not normally

OP posts:
CousinItH · 07/10/2005 00:16

I recognise the screaming and smacking and shaking and crying

Forgot to mention, one of the biggest problems we had was making sure she got enough sleep - she needed (still needs) a lot, but used to resist going to bed, and then would get overtired and sleep badly, which made her worse, and the vicious cycle could go on for days before she would give in and have naps and/or an early night.

Original poster
horridmum · 07/10/2005 00:20

Sleep isn't a problem. She was bullied in school last year and she has assured me that it is all sorted out now but I just still feel inadequate.

I don't a "hate v hate" relationship.

OP posts:
Tortington · 07/10/2005 00:25

i think you just need to build your relationship instead of thinking about discipline at this moment in time - and if you read any of my posts you will know i am very victorian in disciplining matters. however i think that it works well if its balanced.

no one tells you that there can come a point twhere you just dislike your child. you always love them unconditionally - thats a given - but to find yourself disliking your own kid - OMG the guilt!

my daughter is only daughter - middle child if you will - but eldest twin has a twin borther and an older brother.

shes always been hard work. slamming doors, moody. stroppy, wilful to the extreme.

soooooooooo, mindful that i was activley disliking her - i made a special effort to try to like her.

so did face masks - .99p from tesco and one does two people.

bought nail varnish from car boots and false nails and did her nails one weekend. then did hair straightening and non perm hair colour and let her use my foot spa, and nice bath type thingies - made an effort to call her beautiful and activley ask for her help when doing something. its amazing the complete inane shite you get to talking about whilst opening a can of meatballs and mixing up mash. and its opening those lines of communication that help.

hope that helps

very good luck xxx

CousinItH · 07/10/2005 00:25

Does she get over the rows before you do? Come in ready to be friends again when you are still seething?

Original poster
horridmum · 07/10/2005 00:30

YES!! All I am sorry mum but I can't let go and more often than not I keep part of it going,. I know i should let it go but I take it so personally and motherly to be honest. And "how did I let it get this far".

I just feel sooo down that I have to shout or whatever, it takes a lot for me to smack, once in a blue moon but it is all the tension that is left behind.

OP posts:
Original poster
horridmum · 07/10/2005 00:36

Thanks Custy
Mine are quite close in age that it is hard to get the "quality time" and as i said when we do do it it is, as far as I am concerned forgotten about fairly quickly.

Even though out of the blue I will be told I am the best.

Is this totally normally - am I just over reacting. I know I need to "chill" but I still expect a certain level of discipline. I am hardly gonna let her rule the roost.

Sorry I am rambling.

OP posts:
CousinItH · 07/10/2005 00:42

I think you are doing as much as you can atm, esp with 3 younger ones. She does need discipline, she does need to know you are in charge, it would be lovely in an ideal world to be able to deal with it all calmly and perfectly but you are human

IME, with a child like this, it is normal and you are not over-reacting, and the fact that she can sail in shortly after a blazing row as if nothing had happened indicates that she is not being damaged by the rows - venting makes her feel better at the same time as it makes you feel worse.

It might be good to try to explain that to her - that the rows affect you more than her, and that it would be tactful if she kept out of the way while you simmer down.

(DH used to say "you are the adult" and it made me want to hit him )

Original poster
horridmum · 07/10/2005 00:50

Aren't men so complacent

OP posts:
Original poster
horridmum · 07/10/2005 00:52

Thanks Cousin
I know what you are saying but I just wonder when the battle is in the morning and the blazing row starts is teacher told

I know my youngest very innocently tells things at school

OP posts:
CousinItH · 07/10/2005 00:56

Well, FWIW we would regularly have blazing rows at breakfast and 10 minutes after she went to school I would feel a complete shit - DH worked locally then and I would get him to go to work via school - he would always report back that she was skipping around the playground with her friends, laughing, without a care in the world.

Any chance you could spy like that?

Original poster
horridmum · 07/10/2005 01:03

cousin, I know that is all forgotten on her part within minutes and it is all hunky dory in the playground but she will cast things up.

Glad I am not on my own on this. Really felt as if I was the Bth from hell.

But I am presuming it is a little bit more common.

OP posts:
Tortington · 07/10/2005 01:09

could just let her stay up longer on friday night and get pizza

CousinItH · 07/10/2005 01:10

Well, we know there are 2 of us - maybe a few more will creep out

I wouldn't worry too much about what teachers hear - I think most of them keep an open mind - ish - (esp the ones who have kids themselves!)

Original poster
horridmum · 07/10/2005 01:13

We do all that Custy

BTW
Are you Custardo post name change - if you are I have read your posts before and they have been logical

OP posts:
Original poster
horridmum · 07/10/2005 01:14

We try and treat like the "grown up" but bang the next day

OP posts:
Tortington · 07/10/2005 01:16

yes yes

Original poster
horridmum · 07/10/2005 01:19

I can do all that butjust give me tips on "how to control" my temper

OP posts: