effects of depression on baby

[shadylane]

Currently my partner is in the depths of despair, waiting to be referred to rehab. We are not sure how long this will take- the system seems designed to not understand the needs of the patient and it's family. My son (10 months) is a beautiful bouncing wonder, despite the way my partner is. He is an alcoholic but also massively depressed. However he has managed to stay dry for the last week or so because he wants to get into treatment. Around us he is up and down- sometimes angry, sometimes just so sad- hanging head, biting nails, mute etc. DS doesn't seem to notice. Will he be ok?

A 10 month old baby will not hang his head and bite his nails for the same reason an adult will. You are projecting. The question you should be asking is why you are happy to bring up a baby with an alcoholic. That will be far more damaging than depression will.

I'm not happy clearly or I wouldn't be posting! I love my partner very much and he has never drunk around the baby as I wouldn't stay around him. Alcoholism and depression are tied together and I am not stupid so please don't assume I am not putting the baby first. I am not projecting I am asking if the baby will be ok

Also without telling the whole story I did not realise he was an alcohiolic and I did not realise alcoholism is a desease in the same way depression is

WIthout tellingthe whole stiry? When did you realise he was an alcoholic? I'm not qualified to talk about alcoholism, but I've had a serious eating disorder and people telling me it was a disease, which is resolutely is btw, gave me a fabulous excuse for a long time to do nothing about it. Yes, it was a disease, but I had the power to beat it. By saying 'I have a disease' he's kind of takign the responsibility away from himself and making himself helpless and powerless in the face of it. That's how I see it, but I'm more than happy for others to come and disagree with me.

shady - yes, your baby will be fine. He has you as his 'constant' IYSWIM. He may pick up on DH's mood swings but they won't do him any harm.

You need to stay strong for the three of you which is never easy. But if DH has sought help (and he has) and has managed to stay dry to get inro rehab, then as hard as it is for him now, in the long term, it can only be a positive move.

Does he go to AA at all? Or have any kind of 'community support'? Or is it a case of waiting for the rehab?

Does he see a CAT (community alcohol team)? Or have the support of his GP?

What you have to remember here is this is not your fault, or even DHs. This is a spiral that he has gotten into but the most important thing is he is doing something about it.

Good on him

If you need some support through this, you can always pop onto the Brave Babes thread. Even just for a rant!

here

There are lots of posters that have drunk, still struggle to control their drinking or have partners who drink to much.

Hey I realise all this now ok, but I was in love and all that so please don't preach I am desperately looking for support. Think I'll go elsewhere though. Look I said in the original post he is waiting to be admitted into residential rehab

You did not realise he is alcoholic?.

Alcohol acts as a depressant; do you think he is self medicating this with alcohol?. Rehab may not work for him, many alcoholics do relapse.

You may well love him but he loves drink more and everything else comes a dim and distant second. Love is not enough sometimes.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You think you can help/rescue/save him from his demons?. Short answer to that one is no. Think carefully therefore about why you are exactly with this man.

StAl-anon would be helpful to you as they can help family members of problem drinkers.

It will neither do you or your child any favours to grow up around this man. Your son will and is learning from you both.

thankyou mouseface- thanks. i have to go out now but will reply properly when back .

What is the longest period of time he has gone without drink prior to being dry for 10 days now?.

Stopping drinking as well without medical help/back up can cause problems of its own in terms of withdrawing from alcohol.

your baby now at 10 months will be jsut fine if he has your love and constant care and support.

also if you ahve good caregivers to take car of him while you supprot your partner visit him in rehab or however you intend to do that.

long term -there are potential very negative effects of depression/alcoholism on the hwole family and the children - but there are ways to mitigate this. eg child should ahve time away from the depresssed parent, experience non-depressed households/people etc.

you need support, you need to go to al anon and seek counselling and RL support from your family to support you and your baby,

not drinking aroudn teh abby does not mean the family is not impacted by the drniking at other times - your stress will show thru not just when he is drinking. because you always waiting fo the next time....

so dont worry too much now about the baby if things are happening to get your P treated but you need to look onger term.

do consider who else can care for him if you need to go off and support your P, get support for you and advice from al-anon and be aware that living in a stresed out family - long term - will have an impact.

surround yourself with RL friends and family who are not drinking/depressed so you and baby can have times away from that. so that the majority of times you are in happy, calm, loving environment.

sorry typos
take care of P etc

Drinking alcohol is normal in society and before you had a baby and are presumably now not drinking a lot, it is understandable that you did not notice that your husband drank too much (assuming he is not the half a bottle of neat vodka for breakfast-type). It is amazing how your own view point on excessive drinking changes when you are either pregnant or on maternity leave, and have the new responsibilities of looking after your baby. Also, the pressures of having a baby and the stresses of being a parent can exacerbate the depression and hence drinking, making it more obvious.

I found a report recently that was interesting, on alcohol and depression www.mentalhealth.org.uk/publications/?entryid5=38566&char=C and on men and mental health www.mind.org.uk/news/4437_delivering_male_mind_and_men_s_health_forum_launch_first_men_s_mental_health_guidelines as they both discuss that men are more likely to drink excessively to self-medicate when depressed. It is all a bit chicken and egg, which came first.

You should be proud of yourself supporting him (as long as he is trying to get better). And the biggest hurdle in both illnesses is truly admitting you have them. Your son will be affected if he is exposed to your husband's alcohol abuse for a longer period of time, so it is important not to ignore that. He will be affected by the depression (over a longer time) but not overtly as long as you tell him over and over that daddy is ill and it is not his (your child's) fault or responsibility. He has you to look after him, and you must make sure you look after you too so you can be there for him. Just remember that you are not responsible for your husband and it is his illness, he needs to deal with it. Whether you want to be there to support him or not is your choice.