competitive SIL

[Sonnet]

I could really do with some advice from you all. I'll try to keep it brief.
I have a very competitive SIL. She constantly compares her daughter to my DD1. My DD1 is older by exactly one year. My DH is her younger brother. There is only the two of them in the family. We (Dh&I) had the first baby in the family and to be honest that was when our previously satisfactory relationship changed. She hardly spoke to me while I was pregnant and never mentioned the fact that i was. When DD1 was born, except for an initial comment she ignored my DD until she too became pregnant - that I can forgive, but things have just gone from bad to worse over the last 7 years. Everything from schoolwork to swimming she compares. Egs of this:

1. She bought the school reading scheme to do at home with her daughter ( who is a year younger than mine and is always asking what book my DD is on now and then commenting how hers is "catching up - and a year younger".
2. I started swimming lessons with DD - who is getting on very well and made some great friends. A few months later she started her DD on private lessons and is again constatly asking what standard my DD has acheived and how hers is now far better.
3. I started riding lessons with my DD, and yes you've guessed it, she has done the same , but private lessons - and again the questions and comments as how her daugter is better and sooo much younger. I admit they are far wealthier than us, therefore they do have the best of everything. I don't have an issue with that, it's the constantly comparing that gets me down. Last Xmas she told me that she was stuck for ideas for her her duaghters xmas pressis and asked me what I was getting for my DD. I told her - a barbie typewriter - and which model. She then bought the same, but the superior model. This may sound stupid, but it annoyed the hell out of me. This was closely followed by birthdyas. Her dd is 51 weeks younger than mine ie her daughters birthday is the week before mine. My DD was desperate for a microphone from the ELC. SIL asked me for birthday ideas for her DD and stupidly I told her about the microphone - yes - 1 week before my DD's birthday her DD gets the long coverted pressi. I just felt let down when my DD's birthday came around and the same pressi came out!. This came to a head for me last night. We are in the process of having my DD's bedroom decorated and my Dh mentioned to SIL the other day that a good friend of mine was going to be painting some fairies etc onto her wall. Yesterday she tells me that she is now decorating her DD's bedroom and she is having a full wall mural at a cost of £600 - ie bigger and better than ours.

It just seems that everything I try to do is copied, and then far better ( superior toys, private v's class lessons therefore beter progress!) as they have more money than us.
Am I right to feel like this or just plain pathetic. I'm getting this all out of proportion so if you all tell me to grow up and get a life I won't be offended, honest.
Your thoughts please.....

She sounds like a pain in the ass. And frankly, that isn't going to change. So you can either let it keep pissing you off (understandable) or you can feel smug and amused about it - about how she clearly is so threatened by you or looks up to you so much that she has to copy everything you do. They are really the actions of a deeply insecure person. And imitation is the sincerest form of flattery!
Of course you could have some fun with it as well, if you wanted to be a teensy bit nasty, like make birthday suggestions to her and then give your dd something different - maybe even say "actually I thought that first idea was really a bit young for her" - but Im sure you aren't as bitchy as that! Just see it as slightly pathetic and rather flattering and I'm sure it will start to annoy you a bit less.
Moral high ground here for you, I think!

Sonnet I don't think you are pathetic at all to feel like this, I would feel exactly the same as you do.

I actually went through a similar thing when I was a kid, where I was always being compared to my cousin. She was 2 years older than me, and my Mum behaved a bit like your SIL. It meant that my cousin and I hated each other as kids and even in our late teens/early twenties as we both picked up on what was going on. It wasn't till we both got married and had kids we realised we actually liked each other and we now got on really well.

So no dvice I'm afraid, I guess if you aproach your SIL she will think that it is sour grapes maybe?

My Mum hated it when her sister accused her of copying presents she was going to buy her daughter, but my mum always insisted it was never malicious, but they both had daughters of a similar age and they were bound to have interests in similar toys/activities.

I think she sounds like she admires your ideas!!! Take it as a compliment and tell her next time - "I am glad you like all my great ideas" and see what she says...
She appears to be highly insecure and (poor daughter) will have to be her trophy.
Sad really - she may be very unhappy !

Agree with PPH, what a cow she sounds sonnet! I'd start lying tbh.

your right PPP - i know i should try to rise above it...In fact If I could remember everything she has ever copied you'd all fall about laughing...(curtins, clothes, holidays....). I did use to laugh about it when we were more financialy similar, but now it makes me feel inadequate that I can't provide the same for my children.

Thanks as well Northerner. No , I cannot approach her - in fact she is a very unapprochable person - honest. She has a habit of snapping heads off and going for people ( verbally!.) All the family have to watch their step and both MIL and FIL openly admit that they have to tread carefully with her.. At the two most important events in my life - my wedding day and the birth of my first daughter, MIL said that "we would have to be careful that she (SIL)didn't feel left out!"....says it all really. I use her to remind me how NOT to bring children up!!
I cope now by not seeing her very much. Helped by their recent move 18 miles away, although children go to the same school so not as easy to achieve as it sounds!!

I'd be fuming! But it's obviously some problem of hers, and doesn't really matter except where it really affects your dd, (undermined excitement of her birthday pressie etc) so can you tackle her solely on those points? e.g "Isn't it lovely that the cousins seem to have the same interests, but when I told you about the microphone, I didn't realise you were getting one for your dd. It did take away the surprise for my dd, you know"...For me, how to handle it would depend a lot on your DH's perspective. If DH is wholly in your support over this, you could probably take a much more direct approach to the whole subject...and you could subtly point out to him that it's his lovely mural which is being upstaged!!! Would your DH speak to her?
Or: "Yes, your dd is obviously a genius far in advance of anyone in our humble family - and it can't come from YOUR genes, can it, otherwise my dd would have them too!" (and then you'll have a family row on your hands and will never have to see her again as a result!)

Thanks all for your comments - I feel so much better just being able to talk about how I feel ( DH is aware of what goes on, but it's still his sister after all!)
Maryz - oh no SIL has a clone out there.....you described my SIL to a T! - everything has to be better or worse!! - How do you manage to cope?

Pupuce - you've got a very good point there - I think maybe she is unhappy underneath. Her husband left her 18 months ago saying he couldn't "cope with her constant moaning". He came back after 3 months because he says "he missed the children" - don't know what's going on there now as history has been re-written and he never left at all - On the surface life for her looks rosey but maybe it's not underneath..

you'll be pleased to know Beetroot I am going to keep all my ideas to myself.....

I'd tell her that DD wanted an action man or some such similar toy!!

After she has bought one for her DD tellher that DD changed her mind and now wants a different toy.

Start taking DD to places like the woods and the park and other places that don't cost much and she can't top you on.

Tell her a list of things:

Ice Skating
Dancing
Musical Instrument

that you are thinking of getting DD involved in and thn watch her run about spending all her money organising them then tell her that you are not going to bother but are going to spend good quality time with your daughter.

Horse riding gives you big thighs - twell her you are thinking of stopping your DD doing it because of this. God just wind her up - you could have her running around inc ircles.

You caould always say you are trying for another child and see if she does the same - bit drastic.

I'd love to be able to do what you said Blu...I am normally a very direct person and don't take c**p from anyone, BUT in this case it would just make things worse for me in the long run. DH is very supportive but has been conditioned by his upbringing that SIL is the superior child and he must bend to her needs...not joking or sour grapes!
My parents always treated all us children fairly and equally - not this family. MIL and FIL worship the ground she walks on and as already said go out of there way not to upset or offend her ( and WOW is she offended easily). MIL and SIL often have hugh rows but MIL will never hear a bad word spoken!.
I have been coping this last few months by seeing less and less of her. MIL & SIL think that I am jelouse ( sp!!) of her!! - but I'd rather that than have her in my face all the time!!

sorry for ranting - feel tons better

Glad my job does not rely on my fast typing ability - let alone the accuracy of it!!

LOL Boe!!

I know you're right - good quality time is important and that is where I score ( if it were a game!) more points than her.....
I live in a beautiful cottage with direct access to the fields and a beautiful forest less than a mile away - we have a great time and love going on nature walks and getting all sticky afterwards sticking various findings to bits of paper!! - sort of got clouded over by SIL latest house move complete with own acerage and even their own woods!!! - I'm being a defeatest now and that I won't be!!.
My children are happy and secure and unfortunatly she does have "problems" with hers - both have been seen by child psycologists and diagnosed as cronically insecure...( she could be exagerating though!! )

Sonnet, I was posting as your more detailed description of this B**y woman was reaching the board: she's way beyond responding rationally to constructive criticism!
Really, it sounds as if you should feel sorry for her, and your dd clearly has a much happier life...in fact I was reading your description of your cottage and activities with dd and feeling genuinely envious! Might send my poor city-bound ds to stay with you! Enjoy your own life, and don't let someone who you use as a touchstone for bad parenting affect you....except maybe to be ready as a strong and loving aunt when her poor kids suffer the fallout from her personality / empty marriage!

A heartfelt thanks Blu - I feel far more positive...
Your welcome any time ( just don't forget your wellies!!)

Sonnett - it sounds like your DD is having a lovely childhood - swimming, riding, nature walks, nice toys and you said yourself that she was "happy and secure". I understand how you feel though re your SIL. Sometimes its hard not to let things get to you but I think you've got some good advice. Just be a bit more careful about what you tell your SIL and thats about all you can do unless you want to follow some of the naughty suggestions....

I agree that your SIL sounds desperately insecure and unhappy and yet..... I find myself fully in agreement with princesspeahead. I would definitely not tell her what you are getting your dd ever again. Say you are considering such-and-such, and then when she gets it for her dd say (as pph suggested) that it was too young for your dd, or if you want to be really nasty (which of course you don't ) say you went to look at it in the shop and realised it wasn't very well made at all/really rather trashy.
Sad to say, your dd is clearly growing up happy and well-balanced, whereas hers is being set up for a life of neuroses.
Try not to let it get to you, but I can completely see why it does!

I'm with Pph and Boe on this one - not sure I could resist playing a few tricks on her!

Thanks so much everyone - your support is much appreciated and has helped me get it into perspective again

I am going to rise above it - but maybe a few tricks along the way cannopt be resisted