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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I am fed up of being spoken to with contempt and like dirt :(

15 replies

springchik · 18/01/2011 20:15

It happens every day my husband seems to be permanently angry and surly these days. Just 2 examples from today I went to a preschool committee meeting this morning and when it had finished I rang him up to tell him - todays he had a rotored day off. Saw no reason why I shouldnt he was in a happy mood when I left for the meeting. He answered the phone with what do YOU want in such a nasy way. Apparently I'd interupted him when he was in the middle of doing something. Tonight I came downstairs and he had gone out without saying goodbye so I rang him up. No reply but seconds later he rang back with a nasty tone that is hard to put across. He said you rang what do you want NOW in a horrible nasty tone of voice.

He is often like this. He dissapears for ages in the eveninings either in the bath or toilet (yes I mean ages!!) He doesnt say much to me (civilly anyway.) When I try to find out why its because we dont have sex often enough. Thats also why he's moody with the kids apparantly. :( I told him is it any wonder when he is so unkind. THe only time he shows an interest is at night. The other night I told him how can I fancy him when he hasnt got a kind word for me or hthe family. We argued and the next day he sent a text saying sorry xxx. :(

OP posts:
springchik · 18/01/2011 21:01

BUMP

OP posts:
Mymblesson · 18/01/2011 21:05

He sounds like a bit of an arse, sorry.

Going out without saying goodbye, for example is a deliberate, calculated, nasty thing.

What does he have on his mind? Work OK? Anything traumatic happened recently?

springchik · 18/01/2011 21:07

Work is fine afaik he's a bus driver. Nothing traumatic has happened lately.

OP posts:
Mymblesson · 18/01/2011 21:09

Not sure what to say, then. How long have you been together? Has he always had this tendency?

springchik · 18/01/2011 21:13

No he hasnt he's getting worse lately. Been married 12 years. He gets stressed at the slightest thing the dc really stress him sometimes. Theres always a reason for why he acts the way he does not just lack of sex it could be because I rang when he was in the middle doing sometthing or because he's annoyed with the dc about something or bad day at work etc etc etc the list is endless!

OP posts:
Mymblesson · 18/01/2011 21:23

Could be stress or depression.

From a bloke perspective, the only way I've behaved like that in the past is if there's been something on my mind which I can't or won't talk about and I'm brooding on it. It's probably to do with the two of you as the reaction is triggered by your calls.

The sex thing is a red herring of sorts. The real reason is that he's feeling trapped by his responsibilities, but he doesn't know how to express it. Do you talk much?

worthless · 18/01/2011 22:18

Read my thread "urgent help needed- when is enough enough? Sounds like your h is similar to mine. Seeing a pattern here about EA men. Didn't know they existed until MN few weeks ago. Do you think your h could be guilty of this too?

Hope he isn't and you sort this out soon x

patbutcherrocks · 20/01/2011 21:26

are you married to my 'd'h? mine's default position these days seems to be contempt and nothing I do seems to be good enough. how old are your dcs springchik? sorry to raise this but do you wonder about an OW? (i know I do sometimes, but have no real grounds for suspicion, other than his foul moods).

actually what you said mymblesson is very interesting - have you tried to talk to him Springchik? ( i try to talk but h just listens and says 'i see' w/out giving anything back).

hope you work it out.

quiddity · 20/01/2011 21:48

Does any of
this seem familiar?

tattiemum · 20/01/2011 21:49

"The real reason is that he's feeling trapped by his responsibilities"

This struck me - my ex was so grumpy all the time that the DCs referred to him that way 'grumpy daddy'. When we split he said he felt that having a family was a burden on him, and admitted he was unhappy. The hardest thing though is getting them to talk, but you shouldn't have to put up with being treated like that, and your husband needs to be told that bluntly.

springchik · 20/01/2011 22:25

quiddity I answered yes to 16 of the questions! Shock

OP posts:
springchik · 20/01/2011 22:28

My children are aged 3 and 5

OP posts:
mommmmyof2 · 20/01/2011 23:16

Sorry but yes he may be depressed, he may have things on his mind, and worrying about something he can't talk about!! But he needs to get over it!
I sound harsh but there is never any reason to treat someone who loves you like that.How about your feelings, bet you have hard days, times where things get you down.How do you handle it?walk out without saying where your going or even goodbye!

If he has got a problem, then you need to tell him now is the time to talk to you, you are his wife and you will support him.If he is depressed then he needs help.

It is not healthy for any of you to live in a house like that.Not saying he is all bad by the way but if he loves you he needs to change his attitude.

quiddity · 21/01/2011 00:30

Oh dear, I'm sorry to hear that ?springchik*. It may help you to do some more reading online about emotional abuse. Also a lot of MNers who have been through it recommend a book called
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft

TimeForACHEEKYWine · 21/01/2011 23:49

That questionaire was abit strange in questioning, in one part it is asking if he admits he'd wrong and says sorry etc etc then on the same question it asks, does your partner point the finger at you, and that you are the reasons of his anger etc etc. So in a way you can answer 2 questions on 1 question iykwim?

Anyway that was off topic - just thought id be nosey and see what the link was Grin

OP i would say he is deffinatley been emotionally abusive to you. Do you feel scared to ask him whats wrong?

If you do then i would say that somethings not right and as another poster mentioned ahve you thought about OW?? Hope your ok.

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