The aftermath of bereavement -Help!

[AnotherAnonPoster]

Bit of a odd one really.

I'd like some input and maybe some advice if there is any to be had.

A family member died a few months back from cancer.She was very young (under 45) and it was obviously devastating for all of us,more so for her husband as they had been together since teenagers.No children involved.

I spoke to him just after Christmas and he was still very emotional and missing her presence dreadfully.He did seem much brighter and slightly more positive which was great.

He's announced he is now seeking a new partner.Fair enough we thought,maybe a bit early but it would be good for him to forge new friendships and everybody still needs physical touch...

He then announced that he is going to an Asian country to find a new partner.

Why would anyone do this?

I'm finding it very difficult to understand his attitude.He's not some leery,sad,desperate businessman.He's someone whose just lost a wife and partner 4 months ago.What the fuck makes you want to travel around the world to pick up a Thai 'girlfriend'.What's wrong with trying here,in the UK?

I guess I can't say anything,he's now a single guy

My head is reeling tbh.We are still grieving ourselves.

I am so sorry, this is horrible, I remember it with my grandfather. Not that he went to Asia, but he did move on and get a gf indecently quick we all felt. Him and gran had been massively in love and he was devastated when she died. He said he was incredibly lonely and would say goodnight to the News At Ten presenter on tv and those were the only words he had uttered all day

We found it disloyal and avoided him and the gf. And yet, as an adult, I now see that in some way it was a compliment to my gran. He loved married life, he missed the domestic routine and someone to chat to all the time, and so he did what he could to try and replicate it.

Maybe in some ways this is what your family member is thinking? Perhaps he thinks it will be too difficult to meet someone here and is trying to be proactive. Perhaps he believes women from Asia will be happy to settle down to domestic bliss? and marriage?

Am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because grief does wierd things to a person, and he was with his wife such a long time, it's no wonder he is feeling all at sea.

Thanks for replying Perfumed.

I wouldn't be sad if he hooked up with someone now.I don't care so much that it's only been 4 months,it's the fact he is planning on travelling out there and looking for 'girlfriend'? I guess it will be contrived feeling if he goes down the route of the thai woman scenerio.

Where would he find one of those? On the street? In a go-go bar?

I'm also cross that he decided to announce this to my elderly Grandmother (who ok,is very liberal minded) but has just lost her daughter.

I wish he would speak to a counsellor tbh as none of us know what he is thinking or feeling (and why should I really?) I feel he could be very vulnerable if he did embark on this.

I do understand that he is very lonely.

It's very difficult. .

I think he is grieving and not thinking straight and to be honest, it would be foolish for him to go out there right now. He is vulnerable and when you are grieving, you can feel a heightened sense of fate and serendipity, as though you are being sent signs.

When my best friend died, his partner announced he was going to marry a someone he had just met, whilst deceased friend was still lying in the mortuary waiting for a post mortem I was disgusted but felt i had to humour him as he was in some ways, out of his mind. He later acknowledged that he was, he had lost his mind to grief, and wanted to move on super fast to avoid the lonliness and the actual grieving that needs to be done.

If I were you I would try to talk to him, gently, not saying he ought not to go, but that he should leave it for a while longer until he has processed the feelings her death has naturally brought up. It's important not to push him away as he may take off all the quicker, but if you say you can see why the idea appeals but you think he needs a little while for his own sake and the feelings of her family.

I don't envy you.

You've helped a great deal Perfumed,many thanks for your time and input.

I completely agree with him seeking out a fast 'fix', it really does seem that if he moves on then he won't need to deal with his grief.Her handbag is still where she left it before she died,this is not a man ready to start a new chapter of life yet.Totally understand the vulnerability of the bereaved.

I've offered to go around and chat but I'm leaving the ball in his court as I wouldn't want to be forceful(as a family we aren't).

I do hope that this will pass and he will allow himself to grieve naturally.