please read this and offer advice!!!

[CherryMonster]

i have copied and pasted my original thread from chat, i could do with some constructive advice please

here

also, would love advice on how my fathers controlling behaviour when i was a child has affected me as an adult.

I posted on the other thread but having read more of your posts about your situation I think what you need both to understand and accept fully and to point out firmly to your brother is that the house is your home and he is the lodger. HE IS NOT IN CHARGE AND DOES NOT HAVE TO BE OBEYED. Unfortunately it sounds as though your father has given you the idea that women have to obey men, and that a man in the house is automatcially the boss and owner of any women and children who live there.
You are doing your brother a big favour by letting him share your home, and he should appreciate that and understand that you are entitled to tell him to leave if he can't behave himself and respect you and your DC.

thankyou both.

sgb- i certainly dont think that i have to obey him, but i was brought up to obey adults, and i would like my kids to be the same, only i would like the adults to not be so abrasive in getting them to obey. i have always been rebellious and i certainly did rebel against my father, but i did it mostly in small ways. my dad was in the military for 15 years, and i think that is where his disciplinarian attitude came from, it certainly wasnt from his parents who were lovely. (still have his mum, but she is in end stage alzheimers now).
the last few years have been very hard for me, and all i want is for everyone to get on, and my life to someday become simpler than it has been my entire life.

sgm- i have written down the behaviours that i have a problem with, and will discuss them with him tomorrow when the children are at school. mum will be here as a mediator, and if it cant be resolved i will tell her that her and dad will have to sort something out for him. i only took him in as a favour to mum, and she hasnt really done much to try and get him his own place.

Cherry - I too think your brother should move out. Does he work? Do you need him to manage financially? Even if you do, I think the disadvantages outweight the advantages. Why have your mom and dad got to sort something out for him. He's an adult isn't he. The council have no responsibility for him as a single male but he could get a privately rented flat if he works and if he doesn't then he needs to, in order to take control of his own life.

I'm sorry but it doesn't seem likely that your brother is going to change his ways. Have you talked to your children about their views of their uncle. He is controlling you all whether you can see that or not it is the case, as your post reveals. People who want to control others, don't feel that they are in control of themselves and are very insecure. It would do him good to live on his own too.

You need to give your brother an ultimatum in finding his own place, or he'll be with you for ever!

I would never allow someone, even family, to treat my kids like that! You will continue the pattern set up by your father.

You say you want everyone to get on, but you are negating yourself and your kids by letting your brother dictate all the rules in a house where he is a GUEST! .

Are you a single parent? Just wondering (didn't read the whole of the other thread, sorry).

Looks like you have let your brother take over the role your father played in your life.

'i dont know what effect his behaviour will have on my daughters, i never thought i would say this, but i am glad they see their dad every weekend as he is not like db, so it kind of balances it a little bit.'

I think the above statement should ring your alarm bells loud and clear - you need to put your children first. Their childhood is short and precious and shouldn't be made miserable by some control freak restricting and criticising them.

If I sound harsh, it's because I've had a similar issue with my DP - after moving in with us, he started trying to discipline my two DC in the way he was brought up, very strict and would get very loud and deep-voiced when in conflict with them. I had to put my foot down and tell him that's not how they are brought up, and if he didn't like it he knows where the door is - my kids come way before he does.

I know you feel a responsibility to your brother, but to an extent he can take control of his own life - your children can't, so they need you to protect their peace and happiness. I hope your parents help you to sort something out, you and your children deserve better from someone you're helping out.

'i dont know what effect his behaviour will have on my daughters, i never thought i would say this, but i am glad they see their dad every weekend as he is not like db, so it kind of balances it a little bit.'

I think the above statement should ring your alarm bells loud and clear - you need to put your children first. Their childhood is short and precious and shouldn't be made miserable by some control freak restricting and criticising them.

If I sound harsh, it's because I've had a similar issue with my DP - after moving in with us, he started trying to discipline my two DC in the way he was brought up, very strict and would get very loud and deep-voiced when in conflict with them. I had to put my foot down and tell him that's not how they are brought up, and if he didn't like it he knows where the door is - my kids come way before he does.

I know you feel a responsibility to your brother, but to an extent he can take control of his own life - your children can't, so they need you to protect their peace and happiness. I hope your parents help you to sort something out, you and your children deserve better from someone you're helping out.

Oops, sorry about double posting!

Honestly - Your bro is low on the housing list as he has somewhere to live. If he works he should find his own space.

You should make it clear - your house - your rules! (even if that means there is a lack of them!)

having just gone upstairs to bed, and had a thought, i have come to a conclusion. i think that the way my dad treated me has had an effect on how i am now. i think that if anything i resent my brother (and to a degree my sister) because as the first born, i was the one who had all the hopes and dreams pinned to me, but none of the rewards. i was expected to behave and perform well in school ( i was bullied my whole school life for not having nice clothes and shoes, for not being able to have instrument tuition, for not being able to go on trips) when i was little there was never any spare cash for these things. my brother and sister got loads more than me (brother got tv and games console one christmas, i got a bible, my sister had flute and singing lessons at school, i had nothing.) i begged for years to be allowed to have piano lessons,even when i was doing gcse music i wasnt allowed, yet the same year my sister was having flute and singing lessons, and she wasnt even in secondary school. i never had friends to stay over because there wasnt room, but my sister did. i was the one who left home a month after i turned 16, because of living in my dads dictatorship, most of which they managed to avoid.terrified and 4 months pregnant with a baby that 6 months later was stillborn. yet my sister was put onto anti depressants at 12 years old due to anxiety. i was the one who was kidnapped and held at knifepoint 3 weeks after losing my son, by my ex's brother and friend because i wanted to keep the bracelet that my ex had bought for our son, to remember him by, rather than burying it with him. i was the one who put up with 2 violent abusive relationships where the only good thing to come out of them were the 4 children i now have. i am the one who's father has never met his 2 little grand daughters, despite only living 12 miles away, and has not since his grandsons since they were 3.9 years and 18 months respectively (they are now 11 and 9).

yet, i am still the one that everyone turns to when their lives go wrong!

so where is my break, where is my silver lining????

sorry guys, am in bits now, i want to know when my happy ending is going to arrive.

Cor blimey, Cherry. I think we're secret twins.

I've only read bits of your linked thread and this one; I'm getting 'triggered'. I may have missed hugely significant points, but anyway. Obviously, a controlling father leads to a controlling son (QED). The boy's role model was a twat, so what can you expect? Your brother has now taken over your dad's role, casting you in the role you always had - his (surrogate) mother. No doubt he expects you to 'fix' him, on some level, as your mother failed to do whilst relying on you to fix everything.

I'd like to be able to tell you how to relinquish your place as family stand-in but, regrettably, I can't as I haven't found out for myself. I try to help because that's what I'm programmed to do ... however, I have learned that 'caring' doesn't equal doormat! (Took a while, but I got there.)

Your brother's going to have to find a real wife (of either gender) and I'd bet my last pound he'll find a doormat fixer.

Your DCs need and deserve to live in a home where they're free to be celebrated for being creative/joyful/clever/talented/useful rather than merely obedient. So do you. Either you or your brother has to break out of the parental programme. You can't make him do it, so do it for yourself - and your kids, and your friends and their kids.

:) Hope that made sense.

not really grace! i didnt get the bit where you said i have always had the role of his surrogate mother???? it seems like you think my dad was controlling towards our mum which was definitely not the case. dad was never as strict with him or our sister as he was with me.he never beat us though, we would get the odd smack if we were naughty, but we so rarely were as we were terrified of his shouting. my brother will never find a wife, he doesnt go anywhere to meet one, and has only ever had one girlfriend, he is not gay, but seems to have no sexuality at all, he looks at pretty girls if they walk past him or are on tv, but that is as far as it goes.

we would get the odd smack if we were naughty, but we so rarely were as we were terrified of his shouting - so you were very effectively controlled. Until you see the truth of this, and how it's coloured your world view, you may as well stick with your brother until you pair up with a similar dictator.

YOU CAN'T CHANGE HIM. For your DC's sake, if not for your own, it would be a great idea to start changing yourself. Most people are nice, you know? Chuck your brother out. Give him three weeks' notice, as you can't find a rental until a fortnight before moving date. Don't do his packing. Point him to the CAB; it's about time he learned how to take care of himself. While you're at it, make an appointment for yourself - they have financial management advisors.

I think that both you and bro could do with a decent course of therapy, but how about starting with the practicals ...

i dont get why i need to see a financial management advisor? my finances are perfectly fine, i just have any spare cash (does anyone these days)

not sure about therapy, i find it very difficult to talk about things, much easier to write (or type) them.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have posted without reading everything.