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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

affair.what do i need to do first?

15 replies

keeplaughing · 17/01/2011 21:13

sorry, haven't got time to read previous threads Dh (- is there an acronym for fu*wt H's ??) just need to get quick answers.
Found e-mails (arranging to meet, darling, honey xxxxx, etc) receipts for underwear. Relationship bad already but want to minimise crap for ds. Have been to solicitor for advice and just about to cut off any access to cash (he's screwed me over before, only cash available is a mortgage draw down which I can stop) What else should I be doing?

OP posts:

Roisinniamh · 17/01/2011 21:17

Confronting him !

Original poster

keeplaughing · 17/01/2011 21:38

thnx! will be but not until my head is ready, and i've thought thro practical things.

OP posts:

LifeMovesOn · 17/01/2011 21:41

I find 'twunt' is a good description of my cheating soon-to-be-ex .

Good luck, keep strong and protect all your finances if he's used you before.

Roisinniamh · 17/01/2011 21:41

Good Luck !

LadyLapsang · 17/01/2011 21:41

Talk to him.

LuckyLillian · 17/01/2011 21:45

Find his pension statements, payslips, investment details, anything financial he might be tempted to 'forget' about. If you can get unrefutable evidence of infidelity Eg emails, print them off and keep them. Store all above at a relative's if necessary.
Take a deep breath and look after yourself, the shock may hit later on.

Original poster

keeplaughing · 17/01/2011 22:01

twunt! love it. can think of many more words but trying to keep it together for now. But v difficult...I will ask him to go away while I think things thro but know he will say no and I also know I can't keep him out of house (legally).What is the best way to nail him?is it worth trying to catch him out, because I feel if I don't have more evidence he will try try try to lie his way out of it.Hmm he must have destoryed my self esteem and belief even more than I thought

OP posts:

Roisinniamh · 17/01/2011 22:04

I think he has destroyed your respect for him and therefore love?
Have you children with him ?

Original poster

keeplaughing · 17/01/2011 22:23

yes. ds, 9. loves his dad to bits but knows things are wrong with us. stepdaughter (my daughter, 20) thinks he's a jerk. Her words.he hasn't had any respect for me for years. don't know why really as I'm the one who sorts everything (usual story) and have been main earner as he has got sacked, run up debts and generally been a loser

OP posts:

monkey9237 · 17/01/2011 22:24

Before i did any confronting i took copies of all his bank statements, credit card statements, mobile phone bills (all the calls to OW), share certificates, bank account numbers and sort codes, addresses of his other business interests, anything official-looking that had numbers on it, basically!

When I confronted him he first denied it of course, but i qouted their text messages back to him word-for-word and told him that i knew he went to see her on X date at X time whilst pretending to me that he was going somewhere else (but I had his phone bill showing he called a minicab and then her, one after the other as soon as he left the house). Basically he didnt hide it well enough. Maybe he wanted to be found out. Who knows. Who cares!

I wonder if WWIFN will be along soon, she will be great at advising you. Take care.

StuffingGoldBrass · 17/01/2011 22:24

Whose name is the house in? The solicitor should have advised you on this depending on your circumstances: you can't ban him from a home he has a legal right to unless he is violent: however if he won't leave and you don't want to leave then a court can (for instance) force the sale of the house and a fair division of the proceeds. You speak of 'cutting off his access to cash' - are you the main income earner or is the money jointly earned? Because if it's joint income, no matter how angry you are, you can't take his share of the money to punish him for infidelity.
Obviously, print off those emails and keep hold of the recieipts, they are clear evidence of infidelity.
Do you have RL support nearby: your mum, a friend, a sister? Once you are sure that a relationship is ended (which it sounds like you are) then you need support from people who care about you, particularly if you have DC you need to keep up a brave face for.

Original poster

keeplaughing · 17/01/2011 22:44

he's v secretive (no surprise ) so little in the way of bank account info/ phone bills etc. No savings v minimal pension etc. Am not cutting him off from cash just a mortgage draw down facility as I don't trust him once I do tell him I know. He ran upd £25k on credit cards before which I had to put onjoint mortgage as he had no way of raising funds and companies were trying to recover it. Trying to protect kids and he promised haha that he was sorry. He never thought he had to rebuild my trust in him and didn't try to (even tho we wnt to relate) he couldn't be bothered. Have caught him since on internet porn, chat lines etc and now affair. plus constant calls from credit recovery agencies and taxman (he is self employed)he has take £1600 in last month from mortgage draw down. I get thr statement as although joint mortgage it was based on my income alone. Yes do earn more than him. will protect money (ie the drawdown available to us and have been advised to write letter of intent. Cannot block this debt facility but dont trust that he wont keep taking money from it. Shit I can do the prher....actical stuff but not the emotional yet. Want to shout scream and say many things and he is still sitting upstairs on inbternet no doubt having a laugh with .....

OP posts:

NoNamesNoPackDrill · 17/01/2011 22:59

Actually you could make a reasonable case for arsenic in his curry

Your DD is spot on isn't she? Why have you put up with the fuckwittery for so long?

Don't be sad, be angry that he is treating you so badly, and stealing from your DS to spend on his own horrid pastimes.

Original poster

keeplaughing · 18/01/2011 21:16

{smile] i need as many laughs as possible. thnx for help so far think i may be on here for months....too tired to tell todays story tonight but at least have sorted money and paid off my credit card (in my name but joint spend on it) not feeling at all smiley actually but got to keep it together for ds and work tomorrow. he laughed in my face and told me he could stay here and I'd have to put up with it. he's now gone out so I think has been advised he can do what he likes. Which i guess he can as apparently adultery has no impact on any eventual divorce settlement...?

OP posts:

LittleMissHissyFit · 18/01/2011 22:40

Make sure that you keep records relating to the £25k credit card bills, and you drawing down to cover it.

You might be able to get that taken off any final settlement when the house/assets are split. At the very least you could potentially register a charge of £25k on the deeds of the house.

Focus on what you can do to protect yourself financially, the rest will follow.

Try to sleep, and come back to us when you are ready.

Flip